Tina Talk

No Platitudes Please

2011-12-22T08:47:00.007-05:00

plat·i·tude [plat-i-tood, -tyood] noun
1. a flat, dull, or trite remark, especially one uttered as if it were fresh or profound.

I have been very open about my struggle with infertility over the past three years. In that course of time, I have heard every platitude imaginable: "just relax and it will happen", "God's timing is perfect", "when you stop wanting it so much, it will happen", "you can always adopt", etc.

Platitudes used to make me angry, but I have come to realize that people just don't know what to say sometimes, especially if they have not personally walked the path you are walking. People are uncomfortable with pain and unanswered questions and they just want to "fix" it and make it better. The most comforting words I've received are, of course, from people who know this struggle personally--they have been a balm to my weary soul. Of course, the "I am so sorry" and "I am praying for you" responses are helpful too--just to say, "I know you are hurting and I am here" is really all that needs to be said (just a hint to those who may be looking for things to say to anyone who is grieving).

Since we found out our first (and probably only) round of IVF was unsuccessful yesterday, people have offered me all kinds of grace. There have been platitudes too--some that stabbed at my heart because they were too painful in their simplicity--including an email encouraging me to "relax and it will happen in God's timing"; I am just going to pass those off as well-intentioned, and am grateful that people try their best to offer something. I know it means that they care.

I have come to regret sharing this IVF journey so publically, not because of what people say, but because others became emotionally invested in the outcome--not to the extent that Joe and I are invested, but still invested. People who love us are broken-hearted on our behalf. If they feel even a fraction of the pain I feel right now, that is too much to ask another to bear.

We speak about this as a "failed IVF"--as if a process did not work. Really, it is a death...or in our case, 7 deaths. We implanted 2 embryos and there were 5 others we hoped to be able to freeze and use for another attempt, but they did not make it. I have always been a pro-life person, but watching those tiny little cells develop daily, I believe more than ever that life begins at conception...and I feel like I lost 7 little lives that I loved the instant they were created. I am not sure what the technical term for IVF failure is. I don't know if what happened would be considered a miscarriage, but that is what it feels like to me. There were two living beings--half me/half my beloved husband--inside my body and now they are gone. The past two days feel like a funeral procession that will never reach the actual funeral.

My in-laws took us out to dinner last night to cheer us up. It seemed like a good idea to get out of the house and focus on something other than my sad thoughts. At one point during the meal, I saw my husband look up at a picture on the wall: a picture of a dad and a little son following behind him, imitating him. Joe looked like someone had punched him in the gut and I knew instantly what he was thinking: "Why can't that be me?". I started sobbing when the entrees came. I don't know why. Joe held me and I heard my step mother-in-law say to Joe's dad, "What happened? Did we say something wrong?" They were nothing but gracious and kind and upbeat but, for some reason, it suddenly seemed cruel that life goes on as normal--eating, breathing, talking--when your whole world has been forever altered. Isn't that the nature of grief, though? You are normal one minute--thinking, "yes, this hurts, but I will be make it through this"--and then WHAM! a huge wave washes over you, instantly knocking you off your feet, and you wonder how you'll ever be ok again.

I am mourning the deaths of our little Fox babies, but I am mourning something else: a dearly held dream. This was the only round of IVF that we can afford. We will, after we have grieved, start looking into adoption. We always wanted to adopt and feel it is the Biblically mandated duty of every Christian to care for the orphans, aliens and widows. But I had always dreamed of still having a baby of my own--just one; a baby that was part me and part Joe...with his tender heart and wry humor and keen intellect and piercing green eyes. I want that more deeply than I can express in mere words. People tell me that it is not God's time yet. The truth is, I have no assurance that God will give me that desire; actually, it does not seem to be His Will for me at all. I turn 37 in a week and have had actual babies placed in my uterus and it still did not "work". All the vacations and relaxing in the world are not going to help me have baby. This very clearly seems to be the end of the road for me in terms of having a natural child--though I still trust that God can work a miracle if that is His Will (and that is what it would be: a miracle). I think I will be a mom, one way or another, but I believe the time has come for me to release the dream of giving birth to a child. That is a painful, gut-wrentching, terrifying release. There is some intense anger also--that what comes so easily to an unwed teenager in the back seat of a car will never be mine. It is unjust and unfair...but that is my reality.

I re-read C.S. Lewis's book "A Grief Observed" last night. It is the journal he wrote after his wife died from an agonizing bout with cancer. His brutal honesty and courage to wrestle with the darkest questions gave me hope. I know an awful lot about God (have a theology undergrad and spent 4 years in seminary). I have studied the Scriptures and immersed myself in the spiritual disciplines. None of that knowledge means anything when your heart is broken. I know the answers, but I don't FEEL the answers. C.S. Lewis told me last night that it is ok to get angry and to hurt and to cry out to God--and maybe even normal to feel His absence during a time you most long to feel His Presence. Great men and women of the past have wept and questioned and perhaps even yelled at God in the wee hours of the night and He was big enough to take it. Even my precious Jesus quoted the Psalms during his Agony: "Why have You forsaken me?". I have no doubt I will come to the end of this season of mourning, knowing my God more deeply and intimately for the struggle. Perhaps, I will be grateful some day for the struggle itself, knowing that all suffering produces Christlikeness, if we allow God that room to work in us.

C.S. Lewis asked a question some may consider blasphemous: Is God a vet or a vivisectionist? Is he caring for us (though we may not understand the "treatment") or is He experimenting on us in a cruel and malicious way? When you are hurting, you ask those kind of questions. Lewis said his deep fear was not that He would begin to doubt God's existence, but that He might begin to doubt His nature. Thank you, C.S. Lewis, for letting me know that those questions are part of grief and not a lack of faith. Thank you, C.S. Lewis, for letting me journey with you through your pain and loss and see you "come around" at the end--giving me hope that though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning.

Lewis also posited that perhaps God is like a great surgeon, getting to the root of an illness. If He were to stop the surgery--no matter how painful it is to the patient--before the problem were fixed, that would be the most cruel act of all.

I trust God has a purpose. I know God uses all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose--to make us into the image of Christ. I don't FEEL that right now, but I do KNOW it. There is one thing that I do feel in the midst of all this: that my pain, my questions, my doubts, my anger, my inability to understand, my uncontrollable weeping...none of these things can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus my Lord. I am clinging to that truth, whether I feel it or not...trusting that one day I will feel it again.

St. Patrick's "Breastplate Prayer"

2011-03-17T11:59:00.003-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!

St. Patrick's "Breastplate Prayer"

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this day to me for ever.
By power of faith, Christ's incarnation;
His baptism in the Jordan river;
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb;
His riding up the heavenly way;
His coming at the day of doom;*
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of the cherubim;
The sweet 'well done' in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the Prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord,
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the starlit heaven,
The glorious sun's life-giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea,
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward,
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility,
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and wiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave and the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity;
By invocation of the same.
The Three in One, and One in Three,
Of Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

Online mini-prayer retreat

2011-03-14T09:59:00.003-05:00

Since it is Lent, I have been looking for some ways to be more reflective, slow down, rest in God, etc. I really need to get away for a couple days on a retreat, to spend time specifically focused on Jesus and listening for His voice. That is still in the planning stages, but while looking around for some options this morning, I found a resource online that looks interesting to me and thought I would share.

There is a daily, 3-minute, online spiritual retreat with Scriptures, questions and pictures. They have a new one each day:
http://www.loyolapress.com/3-minute-retreats-daily-online-prayer.htm

I tried it out this morning and found it brief but relaxing...a nice way to start the day.

Apparently, you can sign up to get a daily email reminder that gives you a link to the daily "retreat"--if it something you find interesting.

p.s. For some reason I felt like checking in on my blog site today, after an absence of about 8 months. I have been bombarded by spam on here and just got tired of dealing with it, but am thinking about maybe being more regular on here or just deleting the blog. Gotta decide one way or another about that. Thanks for checking in!

Post-Surgery

2010-07-08T16:06:00.003-05:00

I made it successfully through my laproscopic, exploratory surgery yesterday. It was a little more intensive than I expected...guess I was expecting to wake up and simply feel a little tired and kinda sore...but it is a bit more intense than that. Today is worse than yesterday, kinda like when you exercise really hard and the 2nd day always feels worse. Having a wonderful husband who dotes on me is a great blessing. If only I could get him to go to the bathroom for me, I'd never have to leave the couch.

The surgery was meant to tell me if I had endometriosis or any other problems that could be inhibiting my fertility. Turns out, there is nothing wrong with me...at least no endometriosis. My worst problem was a few random staples from a previous surgery that had made a home on top of my liver (or bladder--not sure--all the pictures look the same to me), but they had a protective layer of something formed over top of them and weren't disturbing anything, so I guess they are still in there, hanging out.

On one hand, it is really good news to not have endometriosis. That can be nasty stuff...hard to get rid of...hard to keep away...making an inhospitable home for developing babies. But there is part of me that is disappointed. I guess I just wanted an answer, a diagnosis, some reason why we aren't able to conceive. Test after test seems to reveal that everything is working just fine, except that it isn't. Having a "name" or an answer to why the baby thing isn't happening wouldn't change the fact there is no baby. I just wanted some title or diagnosis...something to make me feel some semblance of control in a situation where I have no control.

There are so many times in life that are like that. If we just knew what we were facing, if it had a name, we feel like we could handle it better...get our minds around it all a little more. So much of life, though, is "limbo": the unknown, the unnamed, the uncontrolled. I don't like that part of life, but it is life, nonetheless. I have no simple answers for how you handle those times, those "un-namable" times. But it does make me think that maybe a lot of life is about learning to trust, and these times that we don't understand help us learn how to trust in One who does know the reason, the name, the answer...One who is in control, and who does a much better job running things than any of us could.

Infertility Addendum

2010-07-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

I should have added this to my first note, but didn't: the vast majority of people I know have been so incredibly gracious, understanding and supportive of me (and Joe) during this process. Even people who have said some of the things I mentioned in my first blog, did so with good intentions. It is just a hard subject and people don't know what to say or do. I have yet to meet someone who was malicious in regard to my struggle, who intentionally set out to say something hurtful. Even people who have inadvertently said things I wish they wouldn't say, didn't mean it that way...and I realize that at the time it happens and hopefully show the same grace to people that many have shown to me when I have said stupid things (which is several times a day!).

I know part of the issue is my own ultra-sensitivity to the topic, as well; I think that sensitivity just comes with the territory (being hyped up on hormones doesn't help anything, either). I guess I wrote what I wrote because it is something I have been thinking of for a long time and those are things I would never have thought of until I went through the struggle myself--stuff that was never covered in my pastoral care classes. A dear friend went through infertility struggles and I know I said something to her about adoption and about God's timing at different points, not understanding how that comes across. I meant well, I just didn't get it until I went through it myself. So, that note was really just a "heads up" to say that when people are hurting, sometimes well-intentioned comments don't always come across the way you mean for them to come across.

I also should have added a great big "Thank You" for the overwhelming love and support I have received and the kindness that so many have shown to me...including people who are willing to listen to me talk about this over and over again as I process. I am really blessed and thankful, even though this process is painful at times!

Infertility

2010-07-06T20:58:00.003-05:00

I am having laproscopic surgery tomorrow (Wed) at 1pm to check for endometriosis and other infertility related problems. So, I could use your prayers. My doctor assures me that she has never had a patient even have complications from the procedure and she has done over 1,000 of them, but she still had to give me the "you could die from general anesthesia" spiel...so prayers couldn't hurt! Since I am being forthcoming about my surgery, I thought I might share some other thoughts on infertility...specifically things you shouldn't say to someone struggling in that area.

Because of our ages and our desire to have children, my husband and I started trying to conceive right after we got married. After about 7 months, we started tests to see if something was wrong. Nothing showed up, but still no baby. So, at a year of trying, we began fertility treatments. What all is involved in those treatments is long and arduous to explain, but sufficed to say, the longer the infertility goes on, the more intensive the treatments become.

As people have learned about my desire, and struggle, to have a baby, they have offered friendly advice. Most if it is harmless, though the emotional roller-coaster of infertility makes the most benign comment a potential landmine. So, for all 5 people who regularly read my blog, I want to pass on some helpful suggestions of things NOT to say to people struggling with infertility.

Top Three Things to NOT say to those struggling with infertility:

1) Just relax and it will happen (variations on this include: "When it's supposed to happen, it will" or "I have a friend who went on vacation, and she got pregnant; you just need a good vacation").

Reasons why this is troublesome to me:
My doctor assures me that there are medical reasons for why infertility happens, whether we know the cause or not (my age is not helping anything either). The "relax" comments are like saying to a diabetic, "Just get rid of the stress and your body will start making insulin correctly".
Women get pregnant in the middle of wars, economic hardship, while in mourning, sometimes even from rape. I just don't buy the stress argument. And who isn't stressed? I don't feel any more stressed than most people who somehow find themselves pregnant.
This comment makes me feel like I am doing something wrong, like I am at fault, and simply need to incorporate more yoga and deep breathing and then things will work out ok.

2) Don't discuss how easy it was for you (or your wife) to get pregnant with someone struggling with infertility.

This should seem pretty obvious, but I cannot count the number of conversations I have had with friends who have children where this has happened. I will be with a group of girlfriends. They will ask how things are going on the baby front. I will tell them how the latest fertility treatment didn't work. They will say something about how sad that is, and then, moments later, turn to another woman and say, "I didn't really have any trouble getting pregnant, did you?". They proceed to have a five minute conversation about how fertile they were. Not kidding! This has happened multiple times.
I think people do not know what to say, especially when they haven't struggled in this area. But let me give you a clue: discussing the ease of your fertility with an infertile person is NOT a helpful thing to say. I liken this to telling someone that you miss your father who passed away and how sad you are to not have him in your life anymore...then your friend says, "That is sad. I'm so glad my father is still alive". People just don't think, sometimes!

3) Have you thought about adoption?

This bothers me on multiple levels. I want to say, "Do you know that I think about babies for several hours a day and yes, surprisingly, the idea of adoption has actually crossed my mind?". I guarantee you that any person struggling with infertility has thought of adoption. Everyone. I promise. You do NOT need to say it. If they want to pursue that option, they will. If you want to suggest an adoption agency, wait until they ask.
Adoption is expensive and time-consuming. Fertility treatments are covered by my insurance at 90 percent, adoption is not. Right now, it is more financially viable to try this route. Besides that, I would really like to give birth to a child that is genetically connected to me and to my husband and to our families--just like most people do every day, all around the world. I think that is a normal, human desire--and I think it is a God-given desire. It may not happen for me. I may not be able to naturally have a child of my own--and I will deeply mourn the loss of that dream. Until that happens though, my husband and I need to let things run their course as far as we think it needs to go.
Two months into starting fertility treatments, I had people talking to me about adoption. At least let me have a little hope that I can have a child of my own...it is the desire of my heart. When people suggest adoption, it feels like they are saying, "It's not going to work. Give up now." And when you are undergoing infertility treatments, you are desperate for hope, desperately searching for some sign or signal each month that it might have "worked" this time, and continually devastated by the loss when it doesn't happen--both wife and husband mourn deeply, in their own ways, month after month, as infertility goes on.
I am not opposed to adoption and would like to adopt even if we are able to have our own child. But I want to do it because the time is right and God is calling us to that--not because we want a baby at any cost. The are reasons people seek adoption and I think that each couple will know if and when that is the right choice for them. When dealing with infertility issues, just steer clear of the word "adoption" unless they bring it up to you.

What do you say to someone?
Just listen, let them know you care, don't offer easy answers, and pray for them. That's it. Simple. Easy. For those of you who are pastors, you can send me $5 for this handy pastoral advice!!!!

Younger Clergy Obsession

2010-07-05T09:10:00.004-05:00

My denomination (the United Methodist Church) is fascinated by finding, attracting, and keeping younger clergy. It seems that is all I hear about these days. I went to a meeting at the District office the other day and heard my District Superintendent praise someone for being a coveted young clergy person. No disrespect to my DS, but it made my stomach church. That is mostly because I am just tired of hearing about it. Since I still am a "young clergy" (at least until December 31st when I turn 36 and will become, I guess, "middle aged clergy"), I feel that I can speak to this issue from the "inside".

There are a lot of reasons this "young" thing bothers me. First and foremost is that Jesus did not seemed so focused on a person's age. I can't remember one instance where he even referenced age. Jesus seemed more concerned that His followers were 100 percent sold out and committed to Him. Passion, surrender, and commitment were the trademarks Jesus looked for in followers (and leaders). I feel like our denomination should be calling out for passionate clergy, for people who are desperately in love with Jesus and want to lead others to Him, whether they are 18 or 98 really doesn't matter.

This whole obsession with younger clergy seems to be a grasping effort to stop our decline as a denomination and bring in new life--a tourniquet to stop our slow bleed. It is not that I am opposed to younger clergy (since I am one!), or to reaching younger generations for Jesus Christ. I fully support that and think those are good and necessary things, but they are not the only things. People matter to God. People of all ages. And God can use anyone...ANYONE...to accomplish His purposes.

I first heard my call to ministry at age 16 during a sermon in my home church on a typical Sunday morning. My senior pastor, Rev. Dick Teller, was preaching about Noah and God's promises, and I felt God speak to me that day about my calling as a pastor. Rev. Teller was in his 60s at the time. By our current rhetoric, only a 30 year old should have been able to reach me as a teenager. But for me, it was a wise, faithful, godly, dedicated pastor in his 60s who spoke to my heart.

My husband, Joe, likes to listen to sermons by Bishop Will Willimon. I did not hear this myself, but I trust Joe implicitly. Apparently, in one recent sermon, Willimon said that he told his District Superintendents that if someone 40 or over calls their offices expressing an interest in the ministry, get to them when you can. If they are under 40, clear your schedule and meet them immediately. Somehow, I'm not surprised by that, but it makes me sad. Why wouldn't you drop your busy administrative schedule to run out and meet anyone who feels God is calling them to ministry, regardless of age? I just don't believe that the less wrinkles you have, the more effective you will be in ministry.

I am a much better, wiser pastor than I was when I first started out. I have fallen flat on my face and learned from mistakes. Ten years from now, I will probably be able to say the same thing. With age often comes wisdom. The more you experience of life and of God, the more you have to offer the world, not less. For me, as a person in my 30s, I tend to seek out counselors and advisers who are older than me, who have already walked where I am headed. In spiritual matters, I lean toward people who have learned more than I have. Age is a virtue, at least in terms of wisdom and guidance.

I guess I can't speak for everyone in my age bracket, but I think most people want a pastor who truly loves God and knows what he/she is talking about...whether they are 30 or 70. I have found, as a younger clergy, that most people need to get past my age (as well as my gender) before they are willing to trust me...even younger people. It may be cool to be young, but I am not sure that most people really want a pastor who is cool. They want a pastor who is authentic and has something to teach them that they haven't been able to find on their own. Teach pastors how to do that and the church will grow.

I went to a "young clergy" event at Ginghamsburg UMC a few months ago. It was wonderful. We had a chance to hear from great preachers who have been pastors for a long time. They shared wisdom with us to help develop us. My only problem with the event was that I know a lot of pastors who are older than 35 who would have gained much from attending. It also struck me as odd the idea that just because you are under a certain age, you are all in the same place of ministry. I sat next to a woman who was 2 years younger than me and had been a local pastor for 2 years and had not been to seminary yet. I am going on my 10th year of pastoral ministry and have gone to seminary. We were in different places, asking different questions, needing different things. I think it would be great to have events based on years of ministry experience, regardless of age, because then you might be asking the same questions and struggling with the same concepts.

Ministry is hard and there is so much to learn, continually. The minute you are ordained it seems you are expected to know everything there is to know. What if, instead of obsessing about younger clergy, we focused on training and equipping more effective clergy of all ages? What if we had events based on years of ministry experience or situational need? What if we made pastors feel supported and valued, instead of indicating they are past their prime the minute they say goodbye to their 30s.

In all this diatribe, I am not saying we shouldn't recruit and train younger clergy. I am saying that our obsession with youth is not going to solve the problems in the United Methodist Church. Younger Clergy are not the elusive holy grail that will save our dying denomination. Things like vision, accountability, encouragement, Scripture study, prayer, passion, renewal, revival are what we need...and those things have nothing to do with age. Let's fall more in love with Jesus and desperately depend on His Spirit. That's where our focus needs to be. Just my two cents...from a frustrated pastor who is going to throw up the next time she hears "younger clergy".

Rudeness

2010-05-29T09:53:00.002-05:00

After dragging my husband to a movie that no male of any species should have to endure, we went out to dinner. Mexican Food. We sat at our table, talking about the moral vaccuum that is our American culture and absentmindedly eating a whole basket of tortilla chips and salsa. Suddenly our adorable waiter (he was really small of stature and flustered by the busyness of the restaurant) appeared at our table and said: "I'm sorry it's taking so long for your food. We are really backed up in the kitchen. I promise it will be out soon". Honestly, I hadn't even noticed (because I was busy talking with the handsomest man in the world and that is way more interesting than a tamale!). In actuality, it was about 20-30 minutes between the time we ordered and when the food arrived. Normally, by the time you have ordered, handed the menu back to the waiter, and have reached for the next tortilla chip, your food shows up, so that night was abnormally slow...but we didn't really mind. The people behind us, however, did mind. While we were eating, we heard a lady complaining to the sweet, little waiter-man about how ridiculous it was that she had to wait, because she had things she needed to do. Later, another couple behind us asked to speak to a manager, who mistakenly showed up at our table instead. We told him that we were fine, but he better brace himself for attack at the next table. Poor kid looked like he was about to faint.

The man who asked to see the manager proceeded to loudly and rudely eviscerate the manager, claiming that he was paying for "food and ambiance" (not sure how much ambiance you expect to get with an $8 burrito, but it made us laugh). He said a bunch of other rude, inappropriate, loud things that made him look like an imbecile and proceeded to embarrass his wife (and everyone within a mile radius). He proclaimed that he was so upset by the experience that he didn't think he'd even be able to eat his food at this point (when the food eventually arrived, he somehow managed to move past his pain).

Now here is my main problem with this situation: you don't treat people like they are dirt beneath your feet, no matter how hungry you are. I am not opposed to lodging a complaint when necessary. In fact, I recently called the Fazoli's complaint department after waiting 20 minutes at the drive thru for some tortellini...but I didn't make the drive thru attendant feel like he was sub-human.

Another issue this situation raises for me deals with our culture: We expect everything instantly. We can't wait for anything, and worse, don't feel like we should have to wait for anything. Are we really so important that the whole world needs to revolve around us and our needs? Sometimes kitchens get backed up and that is just life. Waiting 20 minutes for your food to show up is not going to kill you. I worked at a McDonald's one summer in a wealthy suburb of Detroit where my dad lived at the time. Sometimes the grill would get backed up, especially later at night when we had less people scheduled and a little league team would show up. When there are 30 people in line, you aren't going to get your order in 10 seconds. That is just life. People take out their frustrations on the front person, because the grill people (who are working hard to get all the orders out) are hidden...and it seems that all the frustrations of a person's existence come to the surface when she is forced to wait and is no longer in control of a situation. I think you can tell a lot about a person's character by the way they wait, but that's a whole other blog.

There are entire cultures who consider a meal to be an experience...places where people spend time talking and connecting for an hour or two before they even order off a menu. As Americans, we want to run in and out and never be inconvenienced. The irate, complaining man at the restaurant was there with his wife. They sat in uncomfortable silence while waiting for their food. His dissatisfaction at waiting said a lot more to me about him than it did about the restaurant staff. Is it so hard to talk to your wife for 20 minutes and enjoy it? If so, that's the real tragedy of the night, not the delay of tacos. I am blessed to have a husband who, half-way through our meal, said to me, "Why don't you come sit next to me? You are too far away!" He was probably just trying to get on my good side (it worked!) or attribute it to the fact we've only been married a year and a half. I hope, though, that we will still have something to talk about after we've been married for 20 years. I dread the day when having to sit across from my spouse, waiting for food, becomes drudgery.

The moral reminder to me from this experience: A little waiting every now and then isn't going to kill you...so find a way to enjoy what is happening, rather than complaing and making everyone around you miserable.

Moving

2010-05-25T14:52:00.003-05:00

Things have been busy, with lots of changes going on in our lives. The biggest change: Joe and I will be moving to a new church at the end of June. I will soon be the pastor of Eastview United Methodist Church in Whitehall, OH (aka Columbus, for those not from this part of Ohio). I have had the privilege of serving the wonderful people at Hopewell UMC in Groveport, OH for the past 4 years and will be sad to say goodbye to them, yet excited about the new possibilities God is opening up before me. It is a very surreal time in life, living in two different worlds at the same time. I am leaving, but am still present. Very odd dynamic. I don't mind change (though I do mind all the boxes around our house, mocking me about how much packing still remains undone); it is just the transitions between something old and something new--the prolonged "goodbyes", in this case--that make me weary, and sad. A special line from a favorite hymn keeps running through my mind: "O Thou who changest not, abide with me". If anyone still reads this blog and wants to remember me, Joe, Hopewell UMC and Eastview UMC in your prayers, we'd greatly appreciate it!!!

note: I haven't been blogging in quite a while and, in fact, have been pondering taking the blog down for a couple reasons: 1) because I have not done a good job keeping up with it and it has, consequently, become one more thing to feel guilty/stressed/worried about and 2) the amount of spam comments on here (the vast majority in Chinese) that I have to filter through is becoming incredibly annoying. But, there is something about this blog that I just can't turn my back on completely. So, here I am again...at least for now ;-)

The Advent Conspiracy

2009-12-06T23:31:00.002-05:00

Advent is here and it has been 6 months since my last post...so I thought I'd attempt to begin again. It is easy to fall out of the blogging groove. I guess that is true of most things in life: stop exercising or praying or reading your Bible (insert your favorite activity to slack off on) for a few days and it is hard to get motivated again. With the important things, we usually seem to cycle back again...so here is my attempt at cycling back!

I'm not sure I have anything to say about Advent that hasn't been said a million times before...so I will speak to something that has been convicting me: the idea of finding ways to give more (i.e. "Live simply so that others may simply live"). I really like the "Advent Conspiracy" website. I also have been reading their book: Advent Conspiracy: Can Christmas Still Change the World? by Rick McKinley, Chris Seay, and Greg Holder. The main premise of the website and the book is that we have lost the meaning of Christmas due to our preoccupation (even worship) of consumerism. They encourage us to take back Christmas by doing 4 things: 1) Worship Fully, 2) Spend Less, 3) Give More, and 4) Love All. There is much that is convicting and inspiring to me about those ideas, but for today, I just want to share an excerpt and a quote from the book that I found compelling.

First, the excerpt (p.13):
The water crisis around the world is staggering. Hundreds of children die simply because they don't have access to clean drinking water. It makes our mouths drop and our stomachs turn when we realize that the amount of money we spend on Christmas in America is close to forty-five times the amount of money it would take to supply the entire world with clean water. (see Living Water International for more information)

And a quote from C.S. Lewis (p. 61) challenging us to give more to the cause of Christ:
"I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare. In other words, if our expenditure on comforts, luxuries, amusements, etc., is up to the standard common among those with the same income as our own, we are probably giving away too little. If our charities do not at all pinch or hamper us, I should say they are too small. There ought to be things we should like to do and cannot do because our charitable expenditure excludes them."

Just some thoughts that have been meaningful to me as I prepare for the coming of Christ...

It's ok to cry...

2009-06-13T11:08:00.002-05:00

I attended a women's conference a couple weeks ago at my sister-in-law's church. It was a day-long event for women, with speakers, worship, fellowship and chocolate...plus, her church has a bookstore, which, for me, is like an opium den to a heroin addict. Lots of things from that day touched my heart and left me with a longing for more of God. One thing happened, however, that made me think, "I might just blog about that someday". A woman at my table started to cry after one of the speakers. Another woman--kind, well-intentioned, fluent in "Christian-ese"--attempted to comfort her by saying, "It's ok. God loves you. You are beautiful to Him".

Our dog, Molly, when she does not like something, has this interesting habit. The hairs on the back of her neck spike up, like a little mohawk. It happens when small children smother her with love, when she is taking a nap and we try to talk to her, and when other dogs try to sniff her in more than just a cursory greeting. When I heard the woman's platitudinous attempt at comfort, I felt like Molly. The proverbial hair on my neck started to form a "Molly mohawk".

My first objection to what she said was that she didn't know what the crying woman was feeling. She had no idea. Nor did she ask. While it is true that God loves us each intimately and deeply and that we are beautiful because of His love, I am not sure that saying that to someone you barely know is going to heal the deepest hurts of a heart. In fact, I am sure that it won't. Why isn't it ok to hurt...to cry...to just plain need God? Why do we rush to "fix" people and stop tears? Why couldn't that woman sit there and cry and we could just sit there with her, in silence, with a hand on her back to let her know she is not alone.

I guess it bothered me so much because I see that tendency in myself to want to rush people through pain. "God loves you"; "Have faith"; "I'm praying for you"...all of those are true and wonderful things, but I think we often say them more out of our personal discomfort than because it is what a hurting person really needs to hear. We don't know what to say, so we pull out a platitude. We have our own hurts that we don't know how to deal with--things that start to come to the surface when others around us are hurting or in need--and we want to squelch it back down and make things comfortable again.

I am always struck by the Psalms for that very reason. Nothing is anesthetized, nothing is "safe". It is raw and awkward and uncomfortable...and for some reason, that is ok. That is different than my experience of the Church a lot of times. Especially at funerals. How many times have I heard mourners say, "They wouldn't want us to cry" or "I have to be strong for my loved one; that is what he/she would want me to do". Really? Is that true? I'll be honest and say that when I die, I expect some tears, people. I want to be missed...just like I will deeply and desperately miss the people that mean the most to me. Even Jesus wept over sin and death. When His friend Lazarus died, Jesus cried...right before He brought him back to life. I could analyze why Jesus cried, but I'll save that for some other post. The point is, He cried. He mourned. He felt. Tears are not a lack of faith. Feeling pain is not a failure on our path to spiritual maturity. It is part of being alive, part of being real, part of being connected to (as well as disconnected from) others.

I remember being a chaplain intern at a hospital one summer. For some reason, I was the "angel of death". I had friends that never experienced one death as a chaplain. I'd have 50 deaths a night...ok, maybe not 50, but some statistically impossible number of deaths again and again, night after night of being "on call". While the world slept one dark night, my beeper went off. An older man had passed away--a man who was old enough for death not to be an impossibility, yet still unexpected in this particular situation. I came into the room, introduced myself as the chaplain, and kind of stood in the room, waiting to see what the family needed. They were loud and sobbing. At one point, a daughter (in her 50s or 60s), literally climbed on top of her father's dead body and sobbed more loudly than I have ever heard anyone sob. The other mourners in the room joined in the melancholy chorus. It was deafeningly loud and uncomfortable and awkward. Everything inside me wanted to yell: "Stop!" I had never seen anything like it. It was too raw. You are supposed to control yourself in front of others. Deal with your pain in private and in public, act in a controlled, respectable manner. That was how every death I experienced went. You didn't sob and throw yourself on the body, even if you wanted to. At some point, I suggested we pray, and we did, amidst even more sobbing. Then I got out of there as fast as I possibly could. Great chaplain, I know!

Over the years, I have reflected on that experience. I am not sure where and how I learned that too much emotion is bad, but it seems to be commonplace in the Church. We have to act happy, act "Christian"--even when everything is falling apart. We put on faces and play a part. That is what it means to follow Christ--at least that is how we act it out, regardless of what we really believe. I wonder if that family was closer to the truth than I am, than we are. Maybe it is alright to sob and wail when you feel your heart breaking. Maybe being real and authentic is ok. Maybe it is even "Christian" to be that way. Maybe we need to stop rushing people through their uncomfortable emotions so that we feel better, safer, less out of control. Maybe it is ok to just let someone cry--even sob--and not have to say anything to "fix" it at all.

Joy Robbers

2009-05-21T12:44:00.003-05:00

I served as a spiritual director on a Christian retreat (called "Emmaus") this past weekend. During a question and answer time, one of the questions asked was: "What do you do with all the 'joy robbers' at your church"? First, I laughed...because I knew exactly what that woman meant by a "joy robber". They are everywhere, in the church and outside the church: people who sap your energy, squash your dreams, poop on your best ideas, and generally make you want to go jump off a bridge. I gave some really poetic pastoral response about keeping our focus on Jesus and not letting other people's responses bring us down. I talked about Jesus being crucified on the cross and how his response to people far worse than a joy robber was, "Father, forgive them. They don't know what they are doing". I even mentioned how, if we are honest with ourselves, each one of us has been a joy robber to someone else, probably without even knowing it. People nodded their heads in agreement with my extremely profound and spiritually insightful answer to the question. I was pretty proud of myself. Then I left the weekend to attend my church that morning, before heading back to Emmaus to finish the rest of the weekend.

Just before worship service started, I saw one coming toward me...one of my favorite joy robbers. This person has made joy robbing into an art form. In our brief interaction, I felt all the peace, rest, beauty, energy, and grace I had been experiencing on the Emmaus weekend completely drain from my soul. I sat down in my fancy pastor's chair while our wonderful church pianist played music for the acolytes. I had my head down, praying...frustrated and disappointed. My husband caught my eye and mouthed to me, "What's wrong?". I mouthed back the name of that morning's joy robber. He instantly laughed, because he has heard many tales of joy robbing involving that particular name--and even experienced it himself. I was so angry with myself, upset that I could let someone steal my joy that quickly and easily. The irony was not lost on me. It is one thing to tell people how to act Christlike in response to joy robbers. It is quite another thing to live it out.

I had time while driving back to the Emmaus weekend after church services to pray and reflect about how easily I lose sight of Christ and all His goodness. I eventually caught sight of Him again, but we will see what happens the next time a joy robber comes around (my guess is that will be Sunday morning some time)...I am sure my eyes will slip again, and I will be discouraged, at least momentarily.

There are some who say not to worry about the joy robbers, but I do. Part of it is my neurotic need to have everyone like me. But a deeper part is that I truly care about people, even the cranky ones. My favorite joy robber--the one who got me this past Sunday--is someone I genuinely like. I want that person to know the joy that Jesus brings. I don't think you can be a joy robber if you are experiencing the life and Spirit of Christ at work in your heart on a regular basis. My guess is that those joy robbers are missing some joy themselves...why else would they need to rob it from those who have it?

There are church leaders who have said to me, "The secret to leadership is to go with those who want to go". The premise there is to focus on the people who are excited to go where you are leading, and let the others gripe and grumble as they may. There is truth in that. The joy robbers can steal your attention from what is important. But they still matter to God, grumpy and draining though they may be.

I have this unquenchable optimism in the power of Jesus Christ to transform hearts and lives. I have experienced it myself...and experience on a regular basis. I see His power at work in lives all around me. I want to see it at work in those joy robbers.

My new goal in dealing with joy robbers is two-fold: 1) even though their responses may bother me momentarily, I will not dwell on it and 2) I will do everything in my power to show joy to the joy robbers...so that they can stop robbing and start overflowing.

My challenge for you today (and for me) is to hunt down some joy robbers--seek them out--and lavish your joy on them. Then walk away smiling.

The Value of a Life

2009-04-03T12:37:00.003-05:00

I officiated my stepgrandmother's funeral yesterday. It was a small service, with a private family viewing and then a brief graveside rite. As we drove to the cemetary, I looked behind us at the line of cars following in the procession. There were maybe 6 cars. It seemed sad to me, that so few people were there. It made me think about what is really important at the end of a life. Yesterday, I thought, "I hope, when I die, there are more cars than this in my funeral processional".

It is not a matter of popularity or needing people to mourn me. It is about knowing that my life was significant, that I loved well and was loved in return. For me, the value of a life can be summed up by how well we loved, both God and others. I want to touch other lives. I want it to matter that I was here. I want to live in such a way that people feel compelled to come say goodbye to me.

At a recent funeral I officiated, for a wonderful man named Richard Cook, I was reminded about the kind of life I want to live. Person after person came by and spoke about what a great man he was, how loving he was, how gentle he was...how he was the kindest person they had ever known. I want to live my life in such a way--to leave my mark on the world by the way that I love and treat others. I want to live in such a way that when I die, people will want to be better--to live more fully, boldy, lovingly--because of my example.

I am reminded, again, of a song that has always meant a lot to me. I know I blogged about it a couple years ago, but the chorus bears repeating.

Legacy
by Nicole Nordeman

Chorus:
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough to make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
----------------

May we strive to leave a legacy of love in all that we do and say and are...so that when our lives end, we will have left a mark of grace on a multitude of hearts and lives.

Transitions

2009-04-01T21:34:00.003-05:00

I am now a married woman...almost 7 weeks. It has been a lot easier to join my life with another person's than I ever imagined. We don't have disagreements about the toothpaste squeezing or the direction toilet paper should go on the roll. That isn't to say we don't have disagreements: we do! But it is never about the small stuff; our struggles are more about our internal demons and insecurities, trying to figure out how the other person communicates, and about finally feeling loved and safe after a lifetime of never really experiencing that with such intensity. It is a transition to trust someone to love you unconditionally and forever. It is a nice transition, but a transition nonetheless.

It is amazing to me how much of life is about transitioning. I say this as a person who just got married...then my aunt died...my dear friend's mother and father died within a month of one another...my step-grandmother died this week. Lots of death. Lots of transition.

Most of life involves change. There are very few times where life is simply "normal" and immutable. Most seasons include some kinds of transition: some happy, like marriage...others painful, like death. Most are mixed, meaning that there is happiness present at the saddest of times, and a little sorrow, even at the happiest moments.

Being human, I can't say I am overly fond of change. It doesn't bother me as much as the average person (I attribute this to being an ENFP on the Myers Briggs--that "p" part sort of thrives on change)...still, I like things to feel comfortable, normal, at rest. How often, really, is life like that? There may be a day here or there that is changeless...but for the most part, life is on the move, transition after transition.

I have always clung to the verse in Hebrews 13:8, "Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday, today and forever". It gives me peace to know that whatever is changing around me, Jesus stays solid. Jesus stays the same.

The truth of God's constancy overwhelmed me during one of the recent funerals that I performed. (Please God, no more funerals...can I just get a month off from funerals?) As the pastor, it is my job to lead the body to the graveside. I walk ahead, with the pall bearers carrying the casket behind me, to the graveside. I stand there, at the head of the casket, waiting for it to be set into place. Long ago, someone told me that a pastor is meant to represent God to people--that during the significant moments of life, the pastor is there with families, reminding them that God is with them. Even when you don't say anything, as a pastor, you represent God's constant presence.

The last time I led a body to the grave, I was overwhelmed by the idea that I represented God's presence. It dawned on me that, just as I walk before the casket, God is always leading us to where we will go next. There has never been a moment when He was not present with us. There is no place we will go where He has not walked ahead. Even when we take our final breath, even then God has gone before us, to prepare a place for us.

I find it comforting that no matter how much life changes, God goes before us and after us and beside us and within us...leading, guiding, holding, healing, changing, helping, shaping, perfecting. As we face transitions that seem unknown and, perhaps, frightening, let us take comfort in our Leading God...who goes before us, every step of the way.

Long Absences

2009-01-14T11:31:00.004-05:00

Hello Blog Readers!

Thank you for checking back in, even though I have been "silent" for a long time. Things have been busy: got engaged, planning a wedding, getting married in 30 days and 11 hours. In some ways, the wedding cannot get here soon enough, because I am truly ready to join my life with Joe's. It is all the little wedding details that make me wish there was at least a little more time left.

Being a pastor, I used to inwardly laugh at brides and all the things they worried about--things that really have no eternal meaning and really aren't important enough to cause ulcers (or potential matricide). Yet, now that I am the bride, I see it from a totally different perspective. It is like a light-switch clicked on and I became inordinately concerned with things like balloons and bubbles and ribbons and bows. Yes, I have become Bridezilla...me, the one who has counseled couples about the marriage relationship being the most important part of a wedding, about the wedding being a worship service meant to honor God, and about not getting caught up in details that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, etc. Those are easy words to say until you become the bride and actually find yourself crying (read sobbing) over a simple, inconsequential printing error on your wedding invitations. Every few days, I cry about something. In all fairness, I think it is just the stress.

I am not stressed about marrying Joe. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think that, because I have come to love him so much, I want a wedding that reflects how much Joe means to me, in the most perfect form possible. Perfection is a harsh thing to strive for...and pointless, really. I don't even know what perfect is. Still, I think a lot of the Bridezilla-mentality stems from a need to make your wedding into the perfect representation of your love. Not only does the phrase "perfect representation of our love" make me want to vomit, it is also impossible to symbolize marital love through bows and flowers. That just isn't going to happen. Something that meaningful cannot be made tangible through cake and balloons. Those things are just accessories meant to draw attention to what really matters.

This whole process has been eye-opening to me. I have learned that sometimes we surprise ourselves with our emotions and reactions. I have learned that I am more worldly-minded at times than I like to admit. And I have learned to never tell a bride to "calm down, it will all work out" (I am sure it is true, but brides don't want to hear it). I am also learning that maybe the stress and the mini-freakouts are just a normal part of the process and I should simply find a way to enjoy the crazy ride that leads me down the aisle. I will only travel this way one time; I might as well get the full experience! In the end, as long as Joe and I are married, I will be happy. Between now and then, I will probably be having nightmares about food running out, balloons deflating, flowers dying, and boys from the youth group (who are serving as ushers) wrestling each other in the narthex. Still, I guess the real fun (and meaning) in life is found in the unexpected, the disruptions, the detours. It is hard to remember that right now. I am sure I will get my spiritual perspective back again, after Bridezilla fever has passed.

I can't promise lots of blogging in the next month, but I will be back here soon enough. I miss it! And, who knows, you may get some pre-wedding rants from time to time in the next 30 days (and 11 hours). I am not sure how spiritually reflective it will be, but it will probably make you smile.

Feel free to check out our wedding website to read about the wedding details and sign our guest book: http://www.wedorama.com/joeandtina/

ALABASTER BOX - CECE WINANS

2008-08-15T20:25:00.001-05:00

I am preaching this week about the woman who annoints Jesus' feet with a costly oil, just before He dies. She is scorned for her extravagance, by everyone but Jesus. Jesus appreciates the gesture, because Jesus always welcomes people who love Him with abandon...people who know how desperately they need Him and give their best to Him.

In preparation for this sermon, I have come back to a song that meant a lot to me at one point in my life: "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans. I think I have listend to this song at least 100 times this week and wanted to share it with you, my blogging friends. I love the line: "You don't know the cost of the oil, you don't know the cost of my praise, you don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box". I love the idea that because we have been so completely forgiven, we would lavish our love on Jesus.

I pray for each of us that we might more fully feel our need of Jesus...that we would experience His forgiveness in the deepest parts of our hearts and lives...and that, because we have been forgiven so completely, we might learn to really love God extravagantly.

"Alabaster Box" Lyrics
VERSE 1
The room grew still as she made her way to Jesus
She stumbles through the tears that made her blind
She felt such pain, some spoke in anger
Heard folks whisper, there's no place here for her kind.
Still on she came, through the shame that flushed her face
Until at last she knelt before His feet. And though she spoke no words
Everything she said was heard, As she poured her love for the Master
From her box of Alabaster.

CHORUS
And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box
Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair.
You weren't there the night He found me.
You did not feel what I felt when He wrapped His love all around me.
And you don't know the cost of the oil in my Alabaster Box.

VERSE 2
I can't forget the way life used to be. I was a prisoner to the sin that had me bound
I spent my days pouring my life without measure
Into a little treasure box I thought I found. Until the day when Jesus came to me
And healed my soul with the wonder of His touch.
So now I'm giving back to Him all the praise He's worthy of .
I've been forgiven and that's why I love Him so much.

CHORUS
And I've come to pour my praise on Him like oil from Mary's Alabaster Box
Don't be angry if I wash His feet with my tears
And I dry them with my hair, my hair.
You weren't there the night Jesus found me. You did not feel what I felt
When He wrapped His love all around me. And you don't know the cost of the oil
Oh, you don't know the cost of my praise. You don't know the cost of the oil
In my Alabaster Box.

Being the Beloved

2008-08-04T14:56:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking recently about how I define myself as a person. What gives me meaning? What gives me purpose? Who am I? Even as a Christian, do I find my identity in the things I do well, in my successes and achievements? Or do I define myself by what God says about me? Is my meaning and purpose found in my relationship with Christ?

As I am asking these thoughts, I came across the following reading (below), which speaks to our identity as "Beloved"...not because we are good or perfect, but simply because that is what God chooses to think and say about us.

I love that the very first thing God says about Jesus is that he is "beloved", that the Father is "pleased" with him. This happens before Jesus performs any miracles or enters into public ministry. God is pleased with Jesus, just as he is...because Jesus is beloved. We, too, are beloved. We may not feel it, but feelings do not make things true or untrue...they just muddy reality and distract us from what is most valid and life-giving. The truth is that we, just like Jesus, are beloved by God. That is the core of our identity...that is who we are: BELOVED.

I pray that the thoughts of Nouwen (below) will remind you to find your identity in your relationship to God...the God who loves you, just as you are...

"You Are My Beloved"
(from "The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life"; a book of thoughts from Henri Nouwen, compiled and edited by Wendy Wilson Greer)

I very much believe that the core moment of Jesus' public life was the baptism in the Jordan, when Jesus heard the affirmation, "You are my beloved on whom my favor rests". That is the core experience of Jesus. He is reminded in a deep, deep way of who he is. The temptations in the desert are temptations to move him away from that spiritual identity. He was tempted to believe he was someone else: You are the one who can turn stone into bread. You are the one who can jump from the temple. You are the one who can make others bow to your power. Jesus said, "No, no, no. I am the Beloved from God." I think his whole life is continually claiming that identity in the midst of everything. There are times in which he is praised, times when he is despised or rejected, but he keeps saying, Others will leave me alone, but my Father will not leave me alone. I am the beloved Son of God. I am the hope found in that identity.
Prayer, then, is listening to that voice--to the One who calls you the Beloved. It is to constantly go back to the truth of who we are and claim it for ourselves. I'm not what I do. I'm not what people say about me. I'm not what I have. Although there is nothing wrong with success, there is nothing wrong with popularity, there is nothing wrong with being powerful, finally my spiritual identity is not rooted in the world, the things the world gives me. My life is rooted in my spiritual identity. Whatever we do, we have to go back regularly to that place of core identity."

Love Lessons

2008-07-30T11:09:00.006-05:00

Many apologies for the lack of recent posts. Starting a doctoral program in addition to normal pastoral duties has put me a little behind in the realm of blogging. In addition, another crucial dimension has been added to my life. I've started dating a wonderful man named Joe. Poor guy, he is dating a pastor, so he may very well end up as a sermon illustration or, like today, the impetus for a blog post.

This whole relationship thing has made me think many thoughts about God. Primarily, I've realized I have no clue as to what God is thinking most days. The more I try to figure Him out, the more confused I get. This is especially true in regard to His timing. This relationship caught me completely by surprise. Yes, we did meet on the internet (christiancafe.com), so I was, at some level, looking for a relationship. However, after a few months of online dating, I had pretty much decided that it was not for me. I was discouraged and disappointed by the people I had met; some guys were really nice guys, there was just no chemistry; others were plain creepy, and I mean that in the most Christ-like way. The overall experience was disheartening. I even went hiking one day and said to God, "This is ridiculous. I give up. I am done. I am going to buy a bunch of cats and forget the idea of ever meeting a man I could possibly marry." I say that tongue in cheek, but it was actually a very painful conversation that I had with God, wondering aloud if He really cared about the deepest desires of my heart. Because, unfortunately, whenever God does not do things in my timing, in the form I think things should take, I resort to doubting Him and His care for me. I am sure this frustrates Him endlessly, yet He loves me still. That relentless love will forever amaze me, because I certainly do not deserve it.

A few days after my little tantrum with God, I got a message from Joe, and so it began...at the point when I was ready to call it quits in terms of dating--but he seemed different, special, worth my time and attention (turns out, he is better than anyone I could have dreamed up). The whole thing happened at a very busy time, as I was starting my doctoral work, and had other things on my mind--as well as having decided that marriage was just never going to happen for me. The timing is not how I would have planned it, but maybe God actually knows what He is doing, even if His plan unfolds in a different way and time than I would expect. Maybe I had to really surrender my hopes, dreams and desires to God before He could actually fulfill them in any meaningful way. Again, I have no idea what God is thinking, so I could speculate all day about why this happened when it happened. Maybe I should just be grateful and enjoy it.

Another spiritual lesson I have learned from this new relationship is how cold my heart really is toward God. I enjoy talking to Joe for hours on end. I would give up sleep to spend time with him. When I hear his voice on the phone, my heart skips a beat. If I could just stare at his handsome face for days, I would feel content. No one has ever inspired such intensity of emotion in my heart before. Yet it makes me think, do I feel this intensely for Christ? When is the last time I gave up sleep in order to read His Word? When is the last time I was giddy just to be in His Presence? When has the sound of His Voice stopped my heart? I want to love God with that kind of intensity...to seek Him with the passion of a woman in love. That is what God deserves from us.

I have this belief that all the best parts of human relationships are but a poor reflection of the relationship God wants to have with us. The intensity and passion of romantic love remind us of the intensity of God's love for us, and how He is a God who longs to be loved with every part of our heart, soul, strength and mind. He wants a relationship with us that is all-consuming, all-fulfilling, all-inspiring. Falling in love with Joe has made me want to love Jesus even more. I pray for all of us that we might love Jesus with all the intensity and beauty that He is worthy of receiving. He deserves nothing less from us.

Recognising the Voice

2008-07-13T14:22:00.004-05:00

Many apologies for the blogging silence, dear friends. I have been in the Boston area, working on my doctoral program at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary. I will be here throughout this coming week, as well. While I have certainly had some extra time in which to blog, I have not had much brain power left over after classes and homework. My mind is preoccupied with overly ambitious thoughts and is overwhelmed from very long days. I did, however, want to share something I read in a devotional book last night. Since my own thoughts are stagnate right now, I am borrowing from the thoughts of others (and it will probably be even more inspirational!). The following is taken from the book "The Monstatic Way: Ancient Wisdom for Contemporary Living, a Book of Daily Readings" edited by Hannah Ward and Jennifer Wild.

This devotional is entitled "Recognising the Voice" and begins with this quote:

"God is always at home. It is we who have gone out for a walk"
~Meister Eckhart

(and then the actual devotional, which happens to be in more of a poem format for this particular day)

"In the film
Dead Poets Society,
a student pretends
to get a phone call
during morning assembly.
When the phone rings,
he answers it
and tells the headmaster
that it is God calling.
I have spent
the majority of my life
waiting for that ring,
putting my life
on hold,
sitting through
sleepless nights
waiting, as if
for Godot,
but I only get
wrong numbers
or solicitors.
Each ring
I anticipate
a divine voice,
hoping beyond hope
that this time it is God,
but then it is
a lonely voice
or a distraught student
and again
I missed God,
or did I.
I wonder if maybe
I have heard
from God,
but just haven't
recognised the voice."
~Benedict Auer

Freedom

2008-07-05T08:17:00.001-05:00

Since we are celebrating freedom this weekend, I thought I would share one of my favorite passages about the most important kind of freedom. May you find the ultimate freedom!

To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."
They answered him, "We are Abraham's descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?"
Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
~John 8:31-36

Being known

2008-07-04T20:23:00.004-05:00

My best friend sent me an email yesterday that contained this line: "I know you better than you know yourself". She was trying to make the point that sometimes I am not always objective when the topic is me. She then spoke wonderful and beautiful truths to me--about me--that I believe because they come from her. It made me reflect on what a fulfilling experience it is to be known. Isn't that what we all long for, after all? I think that is part of being created in the image of God: the desire to know and be known.

I remember a line from a movie about C.S. Lewis called Shadowlands. In the movie, Lewis is talking about books and says, "We read to know we are not alone." I think that is the relational element which is part of our make up as humans. We want connection with others (be they real or fictional). We want to know we are not alone.

But I think we want more than that. We want to be known...just as we are...and still loved. That is the greatest gift my best friend, Jessica (and many other dear friends and family) have taught me: Just as I am, warts and all, I am loved...deeply. Most people seem to have this fear that if people knew them, really knew them, they would not be fully loved and accepted. We have bought into this myth that love (or acceptance) are dependent things...dependent on perfection...but I like Shakespeare's take on love:

"Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken."
~Shakespeare, from Sonnet 116

I think that is the truth of any kind of real, deep love--not just romantic love--but the kind of love we humans most long for in relationships, that "know and be known" kind of love. The beauty of it all is that God lavishes that kind of love on us every day...and sends people into our lives to remind us that we are known, and loved, just as we are. I don't know about you, but I need to be continually reminded of that. Thank you, God, for those reminders...and thank you, Jessica, for knowing me better than I know myself. It is a good thing to be known.

Time for Healing

2008-07-03T14:12:00.004-05:00

I think we all struggle with certain issues. My roommates in seminary and I used to joke about some of the people we knew having "more issues than National Geographic". The truth is, we all have areas of brokenness and insecurity...places that need healing and renewal.

God has brought certain broken places in my soul to the surface lately. I once heard someone say that that Holy Spirit will make you aware of things when it is the right time to really deal with them--and will give you the strength to be able to fully address those things. So, when new realizations (really, epiphanies) come to me, I take those seriously...as if God is trying to get a message across to me.

The most recent revelation of God to me is that I need to let Him heal my heart. There are things I believe about myself that are not true, insecurities and fears that keep me from fully embracing God's best for my life. I call myself many names that are not true or right or good. God wants me to see myself as He sees me. There is a passage in Isaiah that speaks to me of changing what we say about ourselves to reflect the truth of what God says about us:

Isaiah 62:3-5
The Lord will hold you in his hand for all to see—
a splendid crown in the hand of God.
Never again will you be called “The Forsaken City”
or “The Desolate Land.”
Your new name will be “The City of God’s Delight”
and “The Bride of God,”
for the Lord delights in you
and will claim you as his bride.
Your children will commit themselves to you, O Jerusalem,
just as a young man commits himself to his bride.
Then God will rejoice over you
as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride.

For me, I feel God has brought certain wounds to the surface because it is time to find healing for those things. It is time to really live into my identity as a child of God, to truly see myself as a person who is loved and redeemed by the Creator of the Universe. I am not even sure how to do that exactly, but take great comfort in the fact that God knows the things I do not know. All I have to do is submit myself to Him and let Him do a work in my heart.

As I spent time in prayer today, talking with God about healing, a song kept coming back to me, specifically this line: "You are our Healer, and you know what's broken, and we're not a mystery to you". That brought me great comfort, knowing that the things which seem like a big, jumbled mess in my soul are not a mystery to God, and not beyond His healing. That line comes from a beautiful song by Watermark, called "Mended". I wish I could find the actual song to share, but I at least offer the lyrics as a source of encouragement:

"Mended" by Watermark
You repair all that we have torn apart
and You unveil a new beginning in our hearts
and we stand grateful for all that has been left behind and
All that goes before us

Chorus:
You've got all things suspended
All things connected
Nothing was forgotten
'Cause your love is perfect
You are our healer
And you know what's broken
And we're not a mystery to you

We will dance 'cause you restore the wasted years and
You will sing over all our coming fears and
We'll stand grateful for all that has been left behind
and all that goes before us

Chorus

Bridge:
Lord, you mend the breech
And you break every fetter
You give us your best, for what we thought was better
And you are to be praised
You are to be praised

Knowing God's Love

2008-07-01T17:04:00.005-05:00

There is a Scripture passage that continues to speak to me anew, at each stage of my life:

Ephesians 3: 17-19 "Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God." (The New Living Translation)

This passage talks about experiencing God's love in a way that goes beyond mental ascent. It talks about feeling that love, knowing that love, being overwhelmed by that love, being sure of that love...a love that is so big we can never fully get our minds around it; all we can really do is live into it.

I struggle with this because I want to get my mind around it. I want it to make sense. I want God to make sense. I want to know the answers to all the mysteries of the universe. To my inquiring mind, God speaks the truth that His love is not just an intellectual exercise, it is a way of living and being in the world; it is an identity; it is a firm foundation on which to stand...not something to be dissected, but something to experience.

I limit God, trying to fit Him into my image instead of transforming into His--meaning, among many things, that I view His love as conditional, because that has been my experience of even the most freely given human love. Most of the time, I think my biggest problem is that I just don't feel worthy of God's love. Why does this God want to love me? Really, He loves me with this great big, wide, high, deep love? Why?

With all my theological training, there is still only one answer that seems correct: Because He wants to. That's it. It is not because I am worth it, for I mess up all the time. It's not because He needs me (or any of us), because the eternally existing God could make it just fine without us. He loves us simply because He chooses to...and there is nothing we can do to make Him love us any more or less than He already does.

I pray that reality--the very real depths of God's love--will find its way into your heart and become the Truth by which you determine your worth, and the worth of all those around you. May we each live into the great, big, high, wide and deep Love that sustains and holds us, most profoundly when we do not deserve it at all.

Fear

2008-06-26T15:51:00.005-05:00

I went to a doctor's appointment today. I will not go into the details of the visit, let's just say it was a doctor that specializes in females. The first time I went to this type of doctor, it was an awful, horrible, embarrassing, painful (insert other ugly words here) experience. Because of that, I have made procrastinating those types of appointments into an art form. Since I've been having some iron problems related to being a woman, I had no choice but to go...my family doctor made me do it.

As I was sitting in the lobby today, I was nervous about the experience, about the unknown, about getting yelled at for going 7 years without such a visit, etc. As I sat there, I kept telling myself: "You've had major surgery; this cannot be that bad...most things will never be that bad again". I found comfort in my previous pain...knowing that I now had first-hand experience, and a new perspective, of what real pain truly feels like.

When I went back with the nurse, she asked me questions, including how long it had been since my last appointment. When I told her, she was not gracious. She definitely used the word "should" (known in counseling circles as the "language of blame"). My response to her was: "Well, at least I'm here now" (I learned--and internalized--that phrase from my fabulous dentist and his amazingly compassionate office staff). I think it was the first time in my life where I was acutely aware, in the precise moment, of someone's attempt to make me feel bad about something and my refusal to do such. I felt very empowered. This whole year has been a year of being pro-active about my health, of doing whatever it takes to get the healthiest life and body possible...and I am doing a great job with it. You can't change the past. You can only go forward with the future. I have no time for beating myself up about what I "should" do or "could" have done. That's just pointless. I actually stood up for myself today--me, an avowed people pleaser--and it felt great. This was truly a monumental experience.

The whole day, however, made me think about the nature of fear. How many things do I avoid because I am afraid? In reality, the thing I fear is never as bad as I expect it to be (nothing to fear but fear itself?). I was worried about pain today, but realized I now have a much different definition of, and threshold for, pain. I was worried about awkwardness and feeling uncomfortable, but learned that some doctors are so good at what they do that you barely notice the strangeness of the ritual. I was worried about being shamed for avoiding those appointments for so long; instead, I learned that no one can make you feel shame if you refuse to do so (i.e. Eleanor Roosevelt's: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"). If I had continued to skip those appointments, I may never have learned those valuable lessons.

So, I am examining my life today in light of fear. What am I avoiding because I am afraid? In my emotional life, in my spiritual life, in my ministry: where am I holding back because being where I am feels safer than the unknown? And, perhaps the biggest question of all: What am I missing out on because of those fears and the consequent paralysis?

God does not want us to be bound by fear. Here is just one of many verses that remind us of the need to boldly step out in faith in all areas of our lives.
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
~2 Tim. 1:7

Stages of Forgiveness

2008-06-24T20:54:00.002-05:00

I am doing a lot of reading for my Doctorate of Ministry program...more accurately, I have been doing a lot of procrastination of said reading...

Today, however, I read one of the books for my "Counseling the Aging" class. I had no great expectations for this book. It is not that I don't care about older people or the struggles they face as they age, because I do. I just expected a book about it to be rather dry. I have been pleasantly surprised. If you know anyone who is a caregiver to aging parents, may I suggest the book to them: "Caring for Your Aging Parents: When Love is Not Enough" by Barbara Dean. There was some useful stuff in there.

I particularly appreciated her discussion about family dynamics: unresolved issues and expectations between adult children and their aging parents, frustration, friction and misunderstandings between siblings, etc. She was certainly honest about the reality of those situations...and offered some thoughts on forgiveness. She quotes a Christian counselor named David Brewer in regard to forgiveness being a process, with a series of stages (rather than a simple, instantaneous event). I found this interesting, and applicable to most of us who are human and have been hurt by others (a universal experience of living).

To forgive as Christ forgave us, Brewer says we must move through four stages:
1) "Reaction": An injury is inflicted and we react by withdrawing from the source of the pain.
2) "Evaluation": We reflect on what has happened and arrive at a value judgment. We feel threatened and react with more pain and anger.
3) "Decision": We may decide to forgive, but our forgiveness may be false. There are two types of false forgiveness:

"blind forgiveness" in which we deny that anything significant has happened. We make ourselves forget by burying the incident; we may keep busy (especially with "religious" activities) in order to distract ourselves. The result of this is a superficial, surface kind of Christian life.
"expectant forgiveness" in which our forgiveness depends on whether the person to be forgiven acts in a certain way. ("If he acts sorry, I'll forgive him," we may say). This gives the other person control over our spiritual lives.

4) "Action": True forgiveness. This involves becoming full aware of how someone's offense has threatened us, including experiencing the painful feelings associated with the offense, facing the part we are playing in keeping the resentment alive, and repenting of our failure to be honest about our feelings and to depend on God alone for our sense of self-worth.

(from David Brewer, "Why Can't I Forgive?" Discipleship Journal, Issue 46, 1998, pp. 27-29)

The author of the book I've been reading said this, after listing Brewer's stages:

How will we know that we have truly forgiven someone? When we can think of the person in full acknowledgement of what he has done without feelings of pain and resentment, honestly desiring the best for him.

Given that definition, I think there are a couple people I still need to forgive. I'm going to work on that!

Making 8's

2008-06-23T12:57:00.007-05:00

Since I was young, the quickest way to get me to NOT do something is to tell me to do it (ask my mom; she developed very creative parenting techniques to motivate me; in many ways, she was a genius, because I could be a strong-willed little thing). I remember being in preschool--maybe 4 years old. We were learning how to write our numbers. We came to the number 8. I liked to make my 8's by putting two circles on top of each other. The teacher told me this was incorrect...that I needed to make more of a continuous motion, kind of a "figure 8". Well, I thought that was stupid. My 8 looked like an 8; why did I need to do it any differently? Wasn't the purpose to represent an 8 to the world? Who cared how I made it? I am not sure I had all those thoughts as a 4 year old, but I do remember my defiant attitude. I was NOT going to change my 8's unless the teacher convinced me of why it was important (which she did not effectively do). I remember making my 8s the same way that I always had, and then going back and darkening the lines between the circles so that it looked like I had made the 8s in one continuous motion. It took a lot longer than if I had just done it the way the teacher asked me to do it...but I stubbornly refused. The funny part, she congratulated me on what a good job I was doing on my 8's...even though I was still doing it my way (unbeknownst to her). Why this is one of my earliest memories, I cannot say! Pretty twisted, aye?

I have an uncle who is also a Methodist pastor. He takes his portable (enclosed) coffee mug with him and sets it on the pulpit when he preaches. This really bothers a number of people in the congregation. I think "what is the worst that could happen? It might spill and you'd have to clean it up? What is the big deal?" Unless someone could explain to me (i.e. CONVINCE me) why this has any deep or eternal significance, my natural instinct would be to bring 2 coffee mugs onto the pulpit just to prove a point.

Admittedly, this is not a great feature of my personality. It is defiant and willful. The flip-side of that part of my personality leads to some great qualities: I know who I am, can think for myself, can vision and see outside the box, don't let convention keep me from trying new things, am able to distinguish what is truly important in life, etc. The down side of being willful and defiant (being what I dubbed a "rule breaker") is that you can think your ideas are more important than the ideas of others. Just because I do not share someone else's passion about something does not mean that their passion is unimportant. It is important to them...and if you care about someone, you need to attempt to care about the things they care about...or, at the very least, seek to understand the things they care about. This has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned in pastoral ministry...to be sensitive to what others are concerned with, even if it makes no sense to me...all the while keeping "the main thing, the main thing".

In my relationship with God, defiance can also be a problem. For the most part, God's commandments make sense to me. I see what He is getting at and I gladly follow because I share His logic. But there are things God has yet to explain or reveal to me...and at those points, I sometimes dig my heels in and fight back. It is not good, or pretty, but God and I are making progress. Still, when He tells me to "wait"...I get mad. If God would just explain why, if I could understand His reasoning, then I would gladly do whatever He said. When He leaves me in the dark, I get annoyed...it makes as much sense to me as my teacher telling me to make my 8's a different way. Tell me WHY!!! But God does not bend Himself to my will...and it is at that point where I am continually being taught lessons about faith and trust.

Something that has driven that lesson home for me in recent years: A while back, there was a young man that I was very smitten with--perhaps I even loved him. He seemed to be the embodiment of everything I had ever looked for in a guy: loved Jesus, made me laugh, could talk to him for hours about anything, thought he was brilliant and attractive and just loved to spend time with him. He was not without his flaws, but had no tragic flaws...no "deal breakers". In the course of spending time with him, I realized that he did not love me...or, if he did have any feelings for me, they were not strong enough to pursue a relationship with me (even though we seemed to "click" on multiple levels). He never really gave me an answer for why that wasn't there for him, just that he did not want a romantic relationship with me. I so desperately wanted to know "why"...wanted him to tell me something...that he was not attracted to me, that the timing was bad, that he just didn't see a future with us for some specific reason...something, anything...just an answer, even if it was hard to hear.

I prayed about this situation for a long time and struggled with God in the midst of it, saying things like: "Please, just let me know 'why'; You, Lord, who know everything, just help me understand this so that I can get over it and move on. I need an answer to "why". Please". I prayed that, on and off, with varying degrees of intensity for probably 2 years. Finally, the Lord spoke to me...not an audible voice, but with such a strong impression in my spirit that I knew it had to be Him speaking. God said: "You are not going to get an answer to this and you are going to have to find a way to let it go...for good".

I was very mad at God, because that is not the answer I wanted. I wanted resolution, on my terms. He said, "No. You are going to have to trust me on this". After being upset with my "answer", I finally found a way to let that go (which, in a strange ritual, involved dropping/throwing a big rock off a pier into Lake Erie). Symbolically, I let go of the hope, the frustration, the unknown...and found a way to rest in God's goodness, even when He would not give me the explanation that I sought. That to me is a refining of my will, a polishing of the nature in me which needs to be convinced before I trust. I am learning to trust in God simply because I know He is good and wills the best for me in every situation, whether I understand the "hows" and "whys" or not.

Incidentally, I now make my 8s the way the teacher asked me to in the first place. Maybe that is evidence of God's slow-moving, soul-changing grace at work in my life.

Being a Rule Breaker

2008-06-21T18:30:00.006-05:00

A few years ago, I went to a Small Groups Conference with two colleagues (more accurately described as good friends). The speaker had us do an "ice breaker". We were supposed to turn to our neighbor and tell them if you are a "rule breaker" or "rule follower". Both of my friends turned, instantly, pointed at me and said in unison: "rule breaker". Then we all laughed.

It is true, I would accurately be called a "rule breaker". I like to think my own thoughts, do my own thing. Perhaps I have some authority issues (though God is, as always, working with me and refining this stubborn streak that often surfaces in me). The truth is, when someone tells me to do something, my first response is usually: Why? If I love someone, I would go to the moon and back for them, without asking questions--that's probably a lie; I'd ask questions but then follow the path of love and service. For some reason, I am just hesitant to follow orders.

The reason I bring this up today is because I want to talk about the "rule followers"...because, honestly, I just don't understand them. Or more accurately, I just don't understand why they get so bent out of shape when other people break rules. A story to illustrate: I went hiking today. On the particular path I was on, no dogs are allowed. Toward the end of the path, I passed a woman with a dog...a big, scary looking dog. I did think, as I passed her, "You're not allowed to have dogs on the path". But then I thought, "Who am I? The rule police". She can choose to follow the rules or not--and also to deal with the consequences of those choices,whatever they may be--it is not really my concern. Plus, that was a scary dog, and the woman was even scarier. I wasn't risking my life to point out that no dogs are allowed on the path. (In all fairness, the dog was on a leash and the woman was in complete control of said dog...it was just an ugly dog).

As I was exiting the path, a frantic woman approached me and started talking to me. I had to take my earphones out to hear her. She says: "Did that woman have a pit bull? On the path?" She asked this with the same intensity as if the dog woman were holding hostages inside a bank or something. I said, "I think so". Intense, rule-following woman says: "Well, she's not allowed to do that. There are no dogs allowed on the path." I guess I gave her a "what do I look like, the park ranger?" look, because she raced off to confront the woman about her earth-halting, rule infraction. The dog walking woman had to be twice the size of the little, irate lady. I was picturing the altercation. In my mind, I saw dog woman saying: "Yeah, so what are you gonna do about it?" to the rule Nazi. Perhaps I should have cared more...but it was 80+ degrees, I had just walked/run for 5 miles, I was hot, thirsty, and ready to get into my car and crank the air conditioning. I also thought, "Don't we have park rangers for this kind of thing?" It is not that I shrug off my civic responsibilities or that I am unconcerned with creating a just world--nor am I afraid of confrontation (I could actually stand to be a little less comfortable with confrontation). I just know there are a lot of things in life that I am responsible for, that I HAVE to do...this didn't seem like one of them. Then again, I am a "rule breaker", so what do I know?!

I did have a "rule follower" kind of moment today, though. About half way down the path, I came across a whole collection of water bottles discarded on the side of the path. There must have been 20 of them, at least. It really made me angry, because why would anyone just throw their empty water bottle on the side of the road? Do they think nature is their personal trash can? Plus, if you are going to use those water bottles, you could at least recycle them. I think one person started it, and then others thought, "Hey, I am too tired to carry my water bottle back with me to my car, I'll just add to the collection". If it hadn't been over 2 miles down the path, I would have gotten a trash bag and come back. Next time, I will bring a trash bag with me and recycle the bottles. I guess there are some rules that seem pretty important to me, primarily: "Treat God's people and all of His creation with respect". That, to me, seems like a more important rule than "no dogs on the path". If the rule seems eternally significant, I will follow it without question. Maybe I am not such a rule-breaker after all.

God Can Handle It

2008-06-20T09:10:00.002-05:00

There are different situations (or seasons) where I get frustrated with my life...and then turn that emotion toward God. Somehow, God gets the brunt of all my intense emotions. I think I expect God to part The Red Sea or drop down some manna the very moment I demand it...as if He is on my timetable instead of vice versa.

I have always told people that God is big enough to take any emotion that we have, so we might as well share it all with Him. Knowing that He is gracious and compassionate, God's Presence is a safe place to be just who we are--even on the days when who we are is twisted and ugly. God can handle it. God can handle us.

Searching the internet last night, I came across a quote along these lines, discussing the Desert Fathers and their understanding of God's being able to handle whatever we throw at Him. The Desert Fathers are men who would go off in isolation for prolonged periods of time (sometimes years) to seek God and understand Him more fully. Most often, they would go to the desert (hence their name). Sometimes they would go to a cave or some other small, unadorned place. One of them even lived on top of a pole with a small platform (think David Blane in a clear box suspended above a city...but smaller space and no city...and for the purpose of seeking God rather than sensation). Anyway, in their dedication and sacrifice, the Desert Fathers discovered deep and beautiful truths about who God is and what He wants from us. So, I will share this quote that summarizes their thoughts about God being able to handle whatever we bringHis way:

“DECLARE IT ALL” was the advice of the desert fathers, those radical early Christians who took with great seriousness Jesus’ challenge to transform the heart. Declare it all — every thought, every feeling, every cruel intention, every ignoble desire and holy aspiration. Don’t be afraid to present anything to God as it comes into awareness, because you are beheld by a comprehending, compassionate love that knows how to heal your distempers. Everything becomes grist for the mill in spiritual growth, even the hells into which we wander. Some elements will be strengthened, some diminished, but grace can work with it all.
~Robert Corin Morris
Provocative Grace: The Challenge in Jesus’ Words

I love the line "you are beheld by a comprehending, compassionate love that knows how to heal your distempers". We all have "distempers" and are each in desperate need of healing and hope. God is in the constant process of transforming us, making us more Christ-like, converting us from searching, fragmented people into whole, found people. This leads me to another quote which has spoken to me lately:

CONVERSION is going on all the time within us and within the world…While the change of turning toward God may seem like a once-in-a-lifetime experience, it is in reality a continual process. We may think that we have turned fully toward God; then we discover another dimension of God, and we know immediately that more conversion is possible and necessary if we are to move Godward in all of life.
~Rueben P. Job
A Guide to Prayer for All Who Seek God

My prayer for each of us is that we would be honest with God, presenting all of who we are at His feet. When we open ourselves up to God, being vulnerable, real, authentic...that is when we find transformation and the ability to "move Godward in all of life". Let's move Godward today.

The 15-Minute Principle

2008-06-19T15:15:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about excercise and how it can teach us a lot about the rest of life. The other day, I blogged about how it takes about 10-15 minutes of sluggishness before excercise (or, at least, the good feeling from it) really kicks into gear for me. Maybe that is a good principle for life: sometimes the best things come after making it through the hard part. I am dubbing this the "15-minute principle".

Granted, there are some things in life that are just bad...and no amount of time is going to make them better...so no use torturing ourselves just to reach some good part that will never come. But it does seem to me that anything worth having or worth doing would fall under the auspices of the 15-minute principle. This is especially true in the spiritual life. Maybe it is just me, but I find the beginning of prayer or the beginning of Bible study very difficult. Just getting started is a feat...then I try to find ways out of it (i.e. I suddenly remember all the things that I have to do, instantly, and if I don't do them right that minute the world will certainly come to an end). Just like exercise, though, if you make it through the tough part--the sluggish beginning part--something beautiful happens...you fall into a rhythm, an experience of God's Presence that sustains and feeds you.

I think this 15-minute principle would apply to certain seasons in our lives, as well. Is there an area where you are struggling to see God's faithfulness, where His promises seem far away? Keep pushing through the "15 minutes". We have yet to see what lies on the other side of this arduous, sluggish period of time. Perhaps God will surprise you in ways you could never expect or imagine...or so the 15-minute principle would tell us.

I wonder how many great things in life I have missed because I gave up before I got through the first "15 minutes" of yuckiness. What have I missed in all realms of life, but especially in relationship to God? I like things that are easy and simple, but somehow, the best things are neither easy or simple...but they ARE worth the effort. Something beautiful lies on the other side of the difficult time, if we are willing to see it through to the end and not give up.

Swimming in Prayer

2008-06-17T23:14:00.004-05:00

Recently, I have started swimming laps for exercise. I enjoy the way the water feels--love being totally surrounded and supported by it. I have found, with swimming (and with other aerobic exercise), that I absolutely hate the first 10-15 minutes. I feel sluggish and it is difficult to get into the routine of it all. At a certain point, though, something changes...everything comes together. There is a transition (with swimming, cycling, running) where you fall into the rhythm of it. Everything starts to work together, perfectly in harmony: body, mind and soul. To me, it is one of the best experiences in life, feeling completely focused on one thing, experiencing a kind of whole person synergy. Because of that experience of intense focus, exercise feels like a spiritual activity. I feel more connected to myself, and somehow, more connected to the One who made me.

I am especially aware of this connection with God (and with myself) in the water. As I pass through the water, a particular passage of Scripture comes back to me time and again, from Isaiah: "When you pass thought the water, I will be with you...and they waves, they will not overcome you. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are Mine." It is almost automatic; as I pass through the water, that passage passes through my soul...and becomes more true to me with each lap I swim.

I have found that I can pray more clearly and effectively as I am swimming...maybe because every part of me that is normally distracted during prayer is focused on keeping me moving through the water, so other parts of my mind are freed up to focus on more important, more eternal things. I picture God's love like water the supports and overflows us and, as a prayer, see the people I love, the people I pray for, surrounded and upheld by that Love--that sustaining, Life-giving, uncontainable Love. Who would have guessed that swimming could be a spiritual experience?

I have also recently discovered Wasabi-coated peas. I cannot say they are a spiritual experience...but they are certainly an experience worth having. If you need some excitement in your life, give them a try.

A Prayer for Today...

2008-06-17T17:48:00.000-05:00

Mother Theresa’s "Meditations from A Simple Path":

Dear Lord, the Great Healer,
I kneel before You,
Since every perfect gift must come from You.
I pray, give skill to my hands,
clear vision to my mind,
kindness and meekness to my heart.
Give me singleness of purpose,
strength to lift up part of the burden
of my suffering fellow man,
and a true realization of the privilege that is mine.
Take from my heart all guile and worldliness,
That with the simple faith of a child,
I may rely on you.

The Road of Life

2008-06-15T21:18:00.002-05:00

I was recently reminded of a poem that meant a lot to me in high school. I guess, at the time, I was struggling to see God as something other than a Cosmic score keeper. It was just starting to dawn on me that, perhaps, God wanted to have a relationship with me that was different than what I had known so far on the journey. I still really like this poem and thought I would share it with you.

The Road of Life by Tim Hansel (not sure who this is or if this is really the author; every other source says the author is unknown)

“At first, I saw God as my observer, my judge, keeping track of the things I did wrong, so as to know whether I merited Heaven or hell when I die. He was out there sort of like a president.

But later on when I met Christ, it seemed as though life were rather like a bike ride, but it was a tandem bike, and I noticed that Christ was in the back helping me pedal.

I don’t know just when it was that He suggested we change places, but life has not been the same since. When I had control, I knew the way. It was rather boring, but predictable….It was the shortest distance between two points.

But when He took the lead, He knew delightful long cuts, up mountains, and through rocky places at breakneck speeds, it was all I could do to hang on! Even though it looked like madness, He said, “Pedal!”

I worried and was anxious and asked, “Where are you taking me?” He laughed and didn’t answer, and I started to learn to trust.

I forgot my boring life and entered into the adventure. And when I’d say, “I’m scared,” He’d lean back and touch my hand.

He took me to people with gifts that I needed, gifts of healing, acceptance and joy. They gave me gifts to take on my journey, my Lord’s and mine.

And we were off again. He said, “Give the gifts away; they’re extra baggage, too much weight.” So I did, to the people we met, and I found that in giving I received, and still our burden was light.

I did not trust Him, at first, in control of my life. I thought He’d wreck it; but He knows bike secrets, knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners, knows how to jump to clear high rocks, knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.

And I am learning to shut up and pedal in the strangest places, and I’m beginning to enjoy the view and the cool breeze on my face with my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.
And when I’m sure I just can’t do any more, He just smiles and says, “Pedal.”

Commandeered by Jesus

2008-06-12T20:53:00.002-05:00

One of the fabulous preachers at Annual Conference, Will Willimon (big Methodist guru), gave a sermon about Jesus and the rich young ruler. This rich guy came to Jesus, asking what he had to do to gain eternal life. Jesus tells him to keep all the commandments. The man replies that he has already done that. So, Jesus then tells the man to sell all he has and give it away. At this, Jesus and the man part company. The sermon was about how Jesus keeps "upping the ante" on discipleship--how He keeps asking for more and more of us and from us, until we cry out, "What more do You want from me?" And it is at that point, that point where we ask "what more can I give?" that we really start to get what Jesus was talking about...and how that itself is a gift of love to us.

The phrase that Willimon used which stuck out to me was about Jesus "commandeering" our lives, how that is the intention--to take over, to take complete control. First, I love the word "commandeer"...great word. Secondly, what a great word picture. Someone in authority stops you and says, "I need to commandeer your property for a greater purpose". Is this what Jesus does with us, commandeering who we are for a greater purpose than we could ever accomplish on our own?

Willimon also talked about the Christian life being transformative in nature, rather than stagnate. He discussed grace, how we have made grace into this weak thing that requires nothing of us and let's us get away with whatever we want. Bonhoeffer talks about "costly grace" (as opposed to "cheap grace"), which is what Willimon was getting at, I guess. The thing that cost God in Christ everything should not be taken lightly. Our response to grace is one of a total life commitment, an offering of all we have and all we have into the hands of God.

There are places I hold back from God, fears that freeze my feet in one place. When God says jump, I say, "Seriously?" instead of "How high?". I love the phrase: "Saying 'No, Lord' is an oxymoron". You cannot follow Jesus as Lord and say "no" when he calls. You cannot follow Jesus as Lord and say "no" when he comes to commandeer every part of who you are. It sounds scary, that giving up of complete control. Still, everything worth doing has risks. There are depths of grace that we cannot know until we jump into the fullness of who God is...until we really let Jesus take total control. That is my prayer for you and for me, that we will be completely commandeered by Jesus.

4 Things I'm Pretty Sure I Think

2008-06-11T22:33:00.004-05:00

It has been a busy week and many thoughts are spinning through my head. So, tonight, I think I will steal from my friend, Bryan Bucher, and do a list of things I am thinking. He has a recurring blog called "10 Things I Think I Think". Tonight, I can only come up with 4 things that I am pretty sure I think...so here they are...

Four Things I'm Pretty Sure I Think
1) Speaking of my friend Bryan Bucher (check out the link to his blog on the left, though he has become a blogging slacker as of late): Bryan stayed at a house right across the street from Hoover auditorium (where we have our main sessions at Annual Conference). Every time I walked by, he was sitting on the front porch of his house, listening to what was happening across the street. I don't think he ever set foot inside the auditorium, yet still managed to know all the goings on. That, to me, is the epitome of coolness. I, on the other hand, felt the need to make sure the bishop and my district superintendent saw my face at least one time...not that either of them know who I am, but just in case. This is probably a characteristic that the cool do not share--the need to be seen or to impress. There are some people who simply ooze "cool" (like Bucher), a lack of need to impress, a security in who one is regardless of what others think. I want that kind of abandon of convention--the freedom to just be who you are, as you are. I ooze "sweet" but am only in training for cool...

2) The other night, I woke up in horrible pain...felt like someone was stabbing me in the face (literally). The pain was right round the area where I had my temporary crown put in less than a week ago. I was awake most of the night, popping Tylenol like an addict. Eventually the drugs kicked in, but I slept through the morning session because I felt so bad and, apparently, missed one of the best worship services in the history of the world. Such is my lot in life. I called my dentist. He called in a prescription for an anti-biotic to a pharmacy near Lakeside. Unfortunately, it looks like I'm going to need a root canal. I don't even know what that is, but it sounds horrible. If it makes my face stop throbbing, though, I guess it will be worth it.

3) The pastor who spoke this morning (and the previous morning, at the service I missed) was incredible...one of the best speakers I've heard. He was passionate, intense, convicting, real, and raw...a great combination. He was talking about the waters of Bethesda and the man that Jesus healed (as the man was waiting for the waters to stir). Jesus told him to "take up your mat and walk". The preacher (Rudy Rasmus) threw himself on the ground, right up there on stage, and pretended to inch toward the water. His point was that we should do anything we can to get ourselves toward the healing that Jesus provides, rather than being victims of our own pain or predicaments. I pictured myself doing that in my church and wondered how many people might have a heart attack if I full-body scooted across the chancel area. More seriously, I thought about how much more passionate I could be in my preaching, in my life...how much more energy and substance I could put into what I say and who I am. I felt very convicted, and inspired.

4) The main impression annual conference has left on me this year has to do with my own spiritual life. Being here, listening to sermons, reconnecting with friends, walking by the lake, laying awake in awful pain with nothing to do but think and pray...it has all made me long for more of God. I want to pray more, to love God more fully, to seek Him with all that I am, rather than just part. I guess I was feeling pretty satisfied in my spiritual life. Things weren't great, but they weren't bad. I was settling for status quo. But I want more now. I think of the spiritual life like a huge ocean...the depths of intimacy with God go so much deeper than we can even measure. Yet how many of us settle for a puddle's worth of God when there is an ocean available? I want the ocean. I am not settling for less any more.

Lakeside Antics

2008-06-08T21:20:00.005-05:00

I am currently at annual conference in Lakeside, Ohio. This is a yearly, regional meeting of methodist pastors and lay people, for the purpose of...well, I don't know what the purpose is, really. For me, the purpose is talking with as many people as I can (guess you'd call that "networking"; I call it being an extrovert in a whole auditorium filled with people). I think there are around 2,500 of us here is this little lakeside community (appropriately called "Lakeside", right on the shores of Lake Erie). I am not sure about that statistic, because I overheard some random person saying it today...who knows if he was making it up or not, but it sounded like a reasonable guess to me. This pretty much means that every where you go, there are people--lots of them, crammed into a small space. I am staying at the "youth house", meaning every where I go there are lots of young people, being loud and crazy and trying to impress each other. For all the struggles of life, I count my blessings that I am no longer a teenager. What a time of insecurity and searching for identity and meaning. At least I know who I am now. I may not always like what I find, but I do feel more secure in my own skin than I did back then.

It is truly beautiful here at Lakeside. I went for a walk tonight, along the dock and around the water. It is amazing how a lake can look so like an ocean at times. And when the sun is setting and seems to sizzle into the water as it goes down, well that is a view straight from the prettiest part of Heaven.

I came up to Lakeside early this year. The conference technically started tonight (Sunday). I got here yesterday afternoon. I promised my friend Tammy Jo that I would help her set up the pray room here at conference. Tammy Jo was delayed in getting here yesterday and finally made it around midnight. We pretty much stayed up all night getting the prayer room together. It was worth the effort, though, because it looks amazing and is a very peaceful and worshipful space. Still, I cannot remember the last time I went to bed as the sun was coming up (literally).

The other eventful moment of Lakeside so far has to do with my cell phone. I dropped it in my dog's water dish. I was carrying a pile of stuff (as I was packing to leave), with my phone on top, and the phone fell off, just as I was walking past the water dish and "plop". If I had tried to throw the thing into the water dish, I would have missed. But when it fell, at just the right time, at just the right angle, it landed perfectly. I pulled it out right away, dried it off, and it seemed to work alright still. Slowly but surely, it began its ascent toward death. People would call and I could not hear them. Strange colors started appearing. Error messages. Then finally, nothing. So, I had to find a Verizon nearby and buy a new phone. Since it is my only phone (no land line), it is kind of a necessity.

The thing I have learned in the past few days is that you never really know what is coming next in life. You have to be flexible. You have to take the good with the bad. Sometimes you stay up all night doing something good for others. Sometimes you have to spend money that you didn't plan to spend because you did something stupid. That is just the way life goes. Maybe that is what life is all about, anyway: the unexpected things, the things that catch us by surprise. Maybe that is where character is formed, in how we respond and learn from the bends in the road. I keep telling myself that...like when I forgot to bring bedding and towels with me to Lakeside yesterday and had to run to the store and buy something cheap to sleep on and bathe with. There is always something happening...but that is what makes life interesting. And who would want it to be boring?

Pampered Dogs

2008-06-05T18:58:00.004-05:00

I went back to the dentist today, to get one crown and 2 filling replacements. I did one side of my mouth today, and the other side will be in November. Maybe by November I will have forgotten how sore your mouth gets from holding it open for almost 2 1/2 hours. The great part about today is that they have little TVs attached to the dentist chair. They moved the TV above my head, so I could watch it during all the drilling and such. So, I watched HGTV the whole time. If it weren't for the awful sounds coming from my mouth, it would have been quite relaxing. Sometimes I don't mind being a pampered American.

An odd thing about today is that my dogs also had a dental procedure, which was scheduled before I knew I needed dental work. The dogs had to be put out with anethesia (guess no veterinarians want to mess around with the teeth of an awake dog). Then their teeth were cleaned; it's supposed to happen once a year; I wonder what dogs did in the wild without dental appointments?! Little Ariel even has a bandage on her arm where the IV went, and she is milking it for all it's worth, walking around like she had major surgery or something.

I share all this fascinating info. about my dogs because it has made me think about the inequality that America has with the rest of the world. I mean, seriously, we take our dogs to the dentist. In some countries, they eat dogs...or at least keep them outside. Now, I adore my dogs...and they know it...but my dogs are treated better than millions of children who cannot afford food, who don't have access to clean water, who live in danger of malaria and AIDS at every turn. Children in the United States suffer, too...but still, the majority of people in the rest of the world have it a lot rougher than we do. I once read that a person living at the poverty level in America is still among the top 5 percent wealthiest people in the world. A sobering fact. Of whom much is given, much is required.

The lay leader from my church went to the Dominican Republic on a mission trip and was surprised by the children, how they went crazy for balloons and little plastic toys...probably because they had no toys. She made the comment that dogs in the US have more toys than these kids. I think that is sad.

I am not sure what to do with that inequity or the guilt it produces in me. I think it is good to feel guilty every once in a while. It makes you examine yourself and your life more fully. Too often though, I feel a little tinge of guilt, and then resume my normal, pampered, overindulged American lifestyle.

I think God's heart breaks at the suffering of the people He created. I am sure the inequity of our life situations is not lost on Him. Does that mean I stop taking my dogs to get their teeth cleaned or never buy them a toy? I'm not sure that is the answer, because they need care and love, too. But, I feel convicted that I need to be much more proactive about ending injustice in the world...giving some of my physical, spiritual, and emotional resources to help those who suffer. If anyone has some good ideas on how to do that in simple, concrete ways, let me know.

On an unrelated note (or perhaps not so unrelated), because today is the 40th anniversary of Robert F. Kennedy's assassination, here is a quote:

Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality of those who seek to change a world which yields most painfully to change.
~Robert F. Kennedy, in a speech in Capetown, South Africa, June 6, 1966.

Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God

2008-06-04T20:41:00.003-05:00

Recently, I went to a bookstore at a Catholic retreat center. They had these fabulous cards (as in "greeting cards") with wonderfully deep sayings on them (the kinds of things they don't sell in Protests book stores--not that Protestants are shallow, but I tire of some of the mass marketed Christian products and sayings I see...a blog topic for another day). One of the cards I bought said this on the front:

"Above all, trust in the slow work of God"

I thought that was a beautiful sentiment about God's timing being different than ours, yet reminding us that He is still faithful, still at work, even through what may seem slow by our standards.

The card I bought attributed this saying to Teresa of Avila. When I googled it, I became less certain. I came across a poem/prayer with the title "Above all, trust in the slow work of God" and it is attributed to Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (which I think is a really cool name). I am not sure who is the true author or where this comes from, but it is beautiful and I pray that it will encourage you.

Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God
Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We should like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way
to something unknown,
something new.
Yet it is the law of all progress that is made
by passing through some stages of instability
and that may take a very long time.
And so I think it is with you.
Your ideas mature gradually.
Let them grow.
Let them shape themselves without undue haste.
Do not try to force them on
as though you could be today what time
-- that is to say, grace --
and circumstances
acting on your own good will
will make you tomorrow.
Only God could say what this new Spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.
Above all, trust in the slow work of God,
our loving vine-dresser.
Amen.

What matters is that you are here now...

2008-06-03T22:52:00.003-05:00

A confession: I have not been to the dentist in 6 or 7 years...that is, until today. Since this is the year of getting healthy for me, I decided it was time to take care of my teeth. Truly, I am obsessed with brushing my teeth, but not the greatest flosser. Ok, I don't even own floss (but bought some tonight...a landmark event).

I found a dentist nearby and think he is fabulous, as well as all his employees. It was as great an experience as going to the dentist can be! The odd thing to me: the dentist is younger than me, by about 3 years. This seems like a major life transition, when people in positions of authority, who used to be older, are suddenly younger than you. It takes a while for age to catch up, because those kinds of professions require a lot of school...meaning you are almost in your 30s before you begin your real job (it's true for pastors, as well). I know that is not an earth shatteringly monumental experience, but it seemed strange...like a rite of passage or something (the "when did I get old enough to have a dentist younger than me" rite).

Since I had a bunch of cavities when I was younger and am now significantly older, it is time for filling replacements in several teeth. I guess those old silver fillings aren't holding up so well after 20 some years: cracking, breaking, pulling away from the teeth...a variety of things that sound really unpleasant. So, I need two crowns and three new fillings (replacements)...but no root canals (which makes me dance with joy) and no new cavities. The cost for this all-terrain mouth adventure is close to $2500. In fact, I can only do half of it right now because I can't afford the other half. I guess, if you divide that cost by the number of years it's been since I went to the dentist, it is not such a bad annual cost. However, in one big chunk, it seems pretty pricey. But someday, in the nursing home, when I can chew my food with my own teeth, it will be worth it.

The thing that has made me reflect today was the way I was treated by the dentist and his staff. I expected, after such a long hiatus from dentistry, to be yelled at, lectured, made to feel myriad varieties of guilt, etc. That is not what happened, though. I was asked by the receptionist, the hygienist, and the dentist how long it had been since I was at the dentist. I told the truth (I can't lie when asked a specific question; it is physically impossible for me...but the sin of omission, of that I am the master! Ask my mom). I expected shock and awe. Instead, they each asked me if something had happened to keep me from coming back to the dentist. No. It was pretty much a combination of no dental insurance, lack of money, and then so much time had passed that I felt guilty. As of January, I suddenly have dental insurance (very minimal; it pays for x-rays and cleanings, but none of the major work I need done)...so, I decided it was time to venture back. Each person that asked me about my lengthy dental absence responded to me by saying, "Well, what's important is that you are here now".

That, to me, is the essence of grace...not making people feel like doo-doo when they mess up. You still acknowledge what has happened, but then celebrate what is happening in the moment. That response makes me want to go back to the dentist. Had I been reprimanded, I would not be so quick to schedule my next appointment. That is probably a truth we could apply to most life situations. People mess up. People disappoint us. People fail to be what they promise to be. They don't do the things they should do. Sometimes, because they feel badly about it, people don't come back to doing what they should because of shame. And, unfortunately, many times, we just add to the shame that others have because we don't respond with grace...grace that says, "You know what, none of us is perfect, what matters is that you are here now". I want to be the "what matters is that you are here now" person in someone's life.

I pray that we can all do that for others...to give second chances, offer encouragement instead of reproach, and new starts instead of rehashing the past. Let's overwhelm the world with grace. I experienced that today, and it makes all the difference.

The Definition of Sin

2008-06-02T22:23:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking about sin today, since we had a discussion about "sinners" in Bible study this morning. We read several verses about how God does not hear/answer the prayers of sinners. One lady said, "Well, that can't be true because we are all sinners. Why would we pray at all?" This led to a discussion about being a repentant, forgiveness-seeking sinner as opposed to willfully, hard-heartedly sinning against God. The discussion made me wonder why, when we come across difficult passages in Scripture, our default is to assume the Scriptures are incorrect or misleading, rather than thinking there must be something in us that needs changing or correction. Why is Scripture guilty until proven innocent? Shouldn't we approach God's Word with the understanding that this is Truth and somehow, someway, we need to bend our will/nature to come into compliance with God's teachings? I tried to say something about that this morning, but my diatribe was met with blank looks. Perhaps I will blog about that some other day...for today, sin is still on the mind.

The Sunday School definition of sin is the bad things that we think, say or do. In reality, it is much deeper and more complex than that. Sin is the pervasive bent that we have towards ourselves, instead of toward God, it is anything that is not in His will for us or our world (including the things that we fail to think, say or do).

Our Bible study has focused on prayer--and recently focused on how unconfessed sin sometimes gets in the way of our prayers, or forms a block in our relationship with God. It has made me more mindful of sin (and, as always, aware of the abundant, overwhelming grace and love of God). I have been examining what I watch or read, how I spend my leisure time...none of those things are really bad in and of themselves...but I am reminded of a quote by Susanna Wesley (mother of John Wesley) when her son asked her to define "sin". This is what she said:

“Take this rule: whatever weakens your reason, impairs the tenderness of your conscience, obscures your sense of God, or takes off your relish of spiritual things; in short, whatever increases the strength and authority of your body over your mind, that thing is sin to you, however innocent it may be in itself.”
~Susanna Wesley (Letter, June 8, 1725)

Her definition of sin is anything that doesn't move us closer to God. That's a pretty convicting thought, at least it was to me.

I realize the topic of sin is depressing, but the good news is that God always has more grace than we have sin. The responsibility for us, however, it to take time to truly examine our hearts, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to see if there is anything keeping us from the fullness of relationship that Jesus offers to us. Only when we realize how much God has forgiven us for (and how much He continues to forgive us for) will we be truly grateful, truly free.

What's next, Papa?

2008-06-01T20:38:00.003-05:00

Being that this is the season of graduations, we had "Graduation Sunday" at church today. We also recognized our scholarship recipients (since the church has this amazing scholarship fund and gives a sizable amount of money to the students each year, for their college or technical education). The graduates and scholarship recipients took part in the service this morning, leading the different parts. This was a good thing for me, since I had a crazy-busy weekend. Not having to prepare a sermon was a blessing. However, today made me realize that I have some control issues (i.e. obsessing about people moving to the microphone at the right time during the service, cutting down transition times, making things move smoothly, etc). We focused so much on timing and transitions in worship at my last church. I sometimes forget that I am now at a smaller church and they don't mind being a little more laid back. It is rather refreshing, actually.

It is a rarity to sit back during the sermon time and just listen (instead of my usual pontificating). One of the high school graduates gave the message today (probably more accurately described as a "testimony"). She is a remarkable young woman and I think everyone was inspired by her thoughts on faith and life--and even more profoundly, inspired by how she lives those things out in her every day existence. Something she said stuck out to me. She talked about her future plans, and is not really sure what her major in college will be. I think that is common situation at 18 years old, but I know it is frustrating when you are going through it (I had a "major" crisis at the end of my freshman year in college, too). She talked about the need to trust God with her future and how, she was sure, if she worried less and trusted God more, it would all work out...but the worry continues, she confessed.

Sitting back, listening, as an adult who has already passed through the landmark events that she is still going to experience, I wanted to tell her: "You have nothing to worry about. Just enjoy the ride!" I know that exciting adventures await her, things she could not even get her mind around right now if God did try to tell her. It is easier, I realized, to tell other people to trust God...and a lot harder to do it yourself. God has always been faithful to me. I have no reason to doubt that will continue. Still, I worry about the unknowns in my future, as well. I am sure that older, wiser people who have already walked the paths I've yet to walk would tell me not to worry, to sit back and enjoy the ride...but I would probably still worry. Maybe that is just a natural response to the unknown. We are human and we like to know what is coming 'round the bend.

Today, I was reminded to wait for the future in an expectant way. Instead of worrying, I need to trust that God knows what He is doing and already has a plan in progress (well before we even catch a glimpse of that plan).

My dogs always teach me something about God and His interaction with creation. Tonight, I was getting their food ready. The dogs were watching me, almost drooling (as if they hadn't eaten in days). My one little dog, Ariel, was so excited that she started spinning around. She would sit for a few seconds, then she would spin around, expectantly (almost like she was chasing her tail, except she was just overwhelmed by the excitement of the moment). It made me laugh. Here is this little animal who loves and trusts me so completely. For all she knew, I could have been giving her spoiled food, or cheap, nasty tasting dog food...but that thought never crossed her canine mind. Ariel knows that I only give her good things, and she expects nothing less than the best from my hand. Quite a lesson in good theology, I think.

This all reminds me of one of my favorite passages of Scripture. I may have even shared this on the blog before. It comes from The Message paraphrase.

Romans 8: 15-16
"This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance!"

I love the phrase "adventurously expectant", and especially love the idea of greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"

I pray that, for every unknown in your life and future, your response to God will always be: "What's next, Papa?"

Appreciation

2008-05-29T21:23:00.003-05:00

Today, I went to a clergy appreciation lunch. It was given by one of the funeral homes in town, to thank the pastors for their service to the community. The lunch was at a really nice Italian restaurant, where I had manicotti that rocked my world (and even have leftovers in the fridge).

At this meal, they had amazing, mouth-watering desserts. I cannot eat desserts. If I eat sugar, I literally feel like I am about to die, within a few minutes of ingestion. Since I'm not a fan of near-death experiences, I avoid sugar like the plague. But I have developed a strange habit. I now like to smell other people's desserts. I know, I'm strange. Somehow, if I can just smell it, not eating it doesn't seem like such a sacrifice. I had to hold myself back from asking the pastor next to me if I could smell his pecan pie. My fear of being known as that "crazy Methodist pastor who sniffs desserts" overrode my desire for inhalation. Sometimes, I can be downright well-behaved (don't tell anyone).

In addition to feeding us, the friendly funeral home people also gave us each a gift: a $20 gift card to Kroger's. I was shocked. I thought that the lunch was more than extravagant...especially considering it is part of our job description, as pastors, to do funerals. It was rather unexpected to be given a gift, just for doing my job. And since Kroger sells gas, I might actually get a couple gallons of free gas out of that $20 gift card, which excites me.

Today made me realize that it is nice to be appreciated, to get a pat on the back every once in a while. It made me remember how important it is to say 'thank you' and to let people know that they matter, even if they are just doing their jobs. I usually try to be extra polite to people who serve me (wait staff, clerks, pedicurists, etc.), making sure they know they are appreciated--but sometimes I forget (or am so busy talking that I don't say "thank you" when someone refills my water). I feel inspired, after today, to be on the look out for more ways to encourage others, to thank them for what they do. It means more than we realize. With all the negative things in life, in this world, maybe we could all try a little harder to pass on some positive encouragement, some appreciation.

With that in mind, I want you to know how much I appreciate you, my faithful blog readers. It is so much fun to write something and know that there are people who actually read it...in fact, people who come here regularly just to see what I have to say. That means a lot! This blog is made possible by readers like you (I totally stole that from PBS).

Feet and Service

2008-05-28T21:35:00.005-05:00

While running some errands today, I decided to get a pedicure. I had an hour to kill before a meeting and walked past a nail place (conveniently located inside Wal-Mart). Looking down at my feet, which certainly needed some TLC, I decided to give it a try. I have had a pedicure before, but it has been a while (probably 2 years or so).

The woman who did my pedicure was a tiny Asian woman. I swear that my feet alone were almost as big as she was (she was really tiny, and my feet are really big).

I sat in a big massage chair with a foot-soaking tub attached. The massage part of the chair made me feel motion-sick, so I turned that off, but I could get used to that foot-soaking apparatus. I am trying to figure out a way to hook one up to my favorite chair at home.

The woman commented that I had beautiful skin, as she massaged my feet and the lower part of my legs. This, of course, seemed incredibly awkward. In any other context, it might seem like she was hitting on me, but I am pretty certain she was just making conversation. I find it incredibly amusing when people comment on my skin, which occasionally happens. I guess some people think the vampire look is attractive. When you have skin so pale that people can see your veins and organs through it, "beautiful" is not the word that comes to mind. Truly, I look like I need a blood transfusion, but I just thanked her for her kindness and did not enlighten her with the fact that I think I look like the living dead.

Sitting in that massage chair, I was pretty high up in the air, while this woman sat on a little bench at my feet. That felt extremely awkward to me, like I was up on a throne while she sat beneath me, serving me...as if I were in a superior position and she were somehow, lower. I did not like it. Couldn't my chair be a little lower and hers a little higher? It made me feel pretentious.

Generally, I think feet are disgusting (even my own). I used to clip my grandpa's toenails for him. They were thick and crooked, and it was more like sawing than cutting. I did it, though, because he could not see or reach well enough to do it himself. I did it because I loved him deeply. All the while, it turned my stomach. But I think that is the nature of sacrificial love: doing things that make you want to vomit (or are in some way unpleasant) because you love someone and it needs to be done. To me, the idea of touching peoples' feet for a living would be an unthinkable task. This woman did not seem to mind. She did her job thoroughly and well...and even gave me advice on foot care (for example, you are supposed to cut your toenails in a straight line...who knew? How I do that with the nail clippers I own is a mystery, but I will at least attempt it next time).

I know this sounds totally corny (no pun intended), but I thought about Jesus at the Last Supper as she pampered my feet today. It was difficult enough to have someone I did not know touching my feet...but to imagine it being Jesus, my Lord and Ruler, bending down to serve me. No wonder Peter put up such a fuss! It is a difficult thing to be served--to sit back and let someone lavish you with attention, with love.

I have always been amazed at the foot washing scene in the Gospels. I mean, it was Jesus' last night on earth, His last time with His disciples. This was His final chance to reinforce any message that He really wanted the disciples to get. And what does He do? He gets down on His hands and knees and washes feet...teaching them that serving others is what it is all about. For Jesus, there is nothing more important than lowering yourself and serving. Maybe sometimes, we serve others by letting them serve us. But most times, it means taking ourselves out of center place and letting someone else have the priority position and focus.

Picturing that woman at my feet today gives me a visual of how I want to live my life: bending down to take care of others, to show them what Christ is like, to take myself out of the spotlight and give, radically and fully. One of my favorite verses is from John 3:30, where John the Baptist speaks of Jesus, saying: "He must become greater, I must become less". Maybe He becomes greater as we become less in relation to others. Maybe Jesus becomes greater as we get on our knees and serve.

Finding God's Will

2008-05-27T20:29:00.004-05:00

I read a book this weekend, but I'm not going to tell you the name or the author. It is kind of embarrassing, since it was a Christian fiction romance kind of a book--probably geared to someone in the college age range more than someone with "one foot and three toes in the grave" (to quote one of my former youth group members as he remarked on my age).

Yeah, I pretty much had a weak moment and bought a book that did absolutely nothing to further my intelligence. My Grandpa Dietsch is shaking his finger at me from the Great Beyond even now. He would always take me to bookstores and buy me anything I wanted, provided it challenged me mentally. Fiction was generally a no-no, unless it was some great work of literature, like Shakespeare. Because of that constant reinforcement in my childhood (since books are my addiction and my Grandpa was my supplier!), I feel internally guilty whenever I read popular fiction. I do it on occasion, despite the guilt.

Anyway, because it was Christian fiction, the author felt the need to infuse it with pearls of faith-based wisdom. Actually, some of it was rather insightful. Something that made me think was her discussion of God's will. She wrote about something called "Hot on His Heels Theology" The meaning of this: in order to know what God's will is for our lives, we need to stay so close to Him that we can actually hear what He tells us to do (i.e. hot on His heels). This is in contrast to the idea of God closing doors and opening windows in order to show us what to do and where to go. Though, I must admit, I am not opposed to the theology of the closing door. I try to stay as close to God as possible, listen intently, practice spiritual disciplines, seek discernment, etc. But there are moments when a decision needs to be made and I am still not sure what God wants me to do. So, I go with the option that I think is best and pray, "God, if this is not the direction I am supposed to be going, please just slam the door in my face". Usually, if I am headed the wrong way, that is exactly what happens.

The whole "Hot on His Heels Theology" thing, discussed in my forever anonymous book, gives the impression that sometimes God speaks very quietly and you have to get really close in order to know what He is saying. This reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with the "low talker". Maybe God is a Cosmic "low talker" and we have to draw ever closer to hear what He is saying to us. If this is true, it is not because God is playing some game with us. I think it is because we so easily take the reigns into our own hands, rush ahead of what God is doing, and do our own thing...then we get in trouble. Maybe God speaks softly so we will slow down, learn to wait, follow after Him, and really be ready for the answers that we are seeking. I like that idea. If we want to know what God's will is for our lives, we have to get as close to Him as possible and stay there...seeking God with all that we are, until we hear (and understand) His voice.

Speaking of God's will: In my life, God has opened up an opportunity that I feel led to pursue. I was accepted today to a Doctorate of Ministry program at Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. I will begin this July. Basically, I go twice a year, for 10 days each time, for a residency. The rest of the year, I read books and write papers...a lot of books and a lot of papers. The focus is in Marriage and Family Counseling, and by the end of the program, I should be eligible to take the state exam to become a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in addition to receiving my doctorate. I am very excited about the opportunity. I am sure you will hear more about it on the blog in the future.

God's Faithfulness

2008-05-26T20:14:00.003-05:00

I just received an email from my PPRC (Pastor Parrish Relations Committee) Chair. He is a retired Air Force Colonel. He signed the email with this closing: "Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition". For some reason, that seems like one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Who knows, though, I am tired after many cookouts and much barbecued food...

Today has been a great day of visiting with friends, talking, relaxing, and eating. I can't eat much at one time, but it seems like all I have done today is eat. Memorial Day madness!

Since Memorial Day is a day of remembering, my thoughts have turned, again, to God's faithfulness in my life. That was the topic of my sermon yesterday: God's faithfulness. God is good, that is His nature, He can be nothing other than good...and the best news: God longs to be good to us, to lavish His beauty and blessing upon us.

All I have to do is look back on my life for proof of God's goodness. I see evidence of God's faithfulness around every corner. I couldn't always see it at the time, but in retrospect, it is obvious that God was always present and continually working for my good--even in the darkest, most disappointing moments.

The other day, I was driving down a tree-lined, bending kind of road. Because of the way the trees were, and the nature of the road's curves, I couldn't see much of what was up ahead. It made me think of life, the way we don't know what is coming next around the bend. That used to be a scary thing to me, that "unknown". The longer I live and the more I experience of God, I am more excited than frightened about what is around each corner. Even if something really bad is up ahead, God will be right there with me in the midst of it. What more do I need? The very intimate Presence and help of the God who breathed life into dirt so I might exist. It makes me think of the words to an old hymn: "What have I to fear? What have I to dread? Leaning on the Everlasting Arms". Those "Arms"--that unending faithfulness of God--is the same today as it was yesterday. God will not fail us. In that alone, I find my deepest rest and peace.

I mentioned in my sermon yesterday that I recently saw a colleague of mine, a fellow pastor, who I only see once or twice a year. Before he speaks, I know exactly how the conversation is going to go. It will be negative, heavy, and sad. I almost dread asking the question: "How are you?" He always answers, and it is always bad. Has God failed to be good to him? Has God failed to be present? Has God failed to bring good things to pass in the midst of the difficulties?

God does not fail...we fail. We fail to see what God is doing in our midst. We fail to look. We fail to reflect on our lives and see the trace of God's Hand, bringing beauty out of the ashes. If we have nothing to be thankful for, if we see no evidence of God's faithfulness, it is because our vision has faltered, not because God has failed to be good.

I realize that Memorial Day--a day of remembering--is almost over, but I encourage you to take some time to think about God's faithfulness in your life. It takes work to cultivate a grateful and trusting heart...one way to start is to actively reflect on God's nature and His gracious actions in your life. God is good...all the time. God has been good to you. God will continue to be good to you. Open your eyes and see more of His goodness.

Dancing in God's goodness

2008-05-25T09:09:00.002-05:00

My sermon today is about God's faithfulness. It made me think of that Footprints poem, about God carrying us during the most difficult times of our lives. I found another version of that poem that I like even better...because it involves dancing. I like the image of our life with God as a dance. Maybe you have heard it before. Even so, I hope it reminds you of the faithfulness of our great God, who works all things for good for those who love Him.

FOOTPRINTS…A New Version
Author Unknown

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns. For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently. You and Jesus are walking as true friends! This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.
Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.

This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger. Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one. This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints. You are amazed and shocked. Your dream ends.

Now you pray:"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."

"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."

"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."

When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."

"Precisely."

"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."

There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice. "You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

Saturday Hikes and Online Dating

2008-05-24T14:54:00.004-05:00

Since it was a beautiful day, I decided to go to a local park and hike one of the trails this afternoon. There is a multi-purpose trail that is a little over 4 miles which looked good to me. I have walked other trails at this particular park, but never this one, because my dogs are usually with me and they are not allowed (which makes me wonder how "multi-purpose" the trail really is).

The first thing I noticed as I began my trek was the number of men who like to run/walk without shirts on. Regardless of age or level of physical fitness, most of the men I passed were shirtless. Admittedly, I must have some amount of testosterone surging through my female body, because if I see a man without a shirt, I cannot stop myself from looking. This is bad in two ways. First, if the man is very attractive, I have to say to myself: "Tina, stop staring at his chest. Don't think about nakedness. Think pure thoughts!" On the flip side, if the man is not so attractive, I still can't help but look. But then I say to myself: "Tina, look away right now or else that image will stay in your mind forever...and you wouldn't want that to happen". I realize this sounds rude and/or judgmental. I don't mean disrespect to these men. My point is: When you are in public would you please wear a shirt, for the love! Attractive or not so attractive, either way, put a shirt on!

The other scenery today was breath-taking. I remember a line from some song: "I've never seen blue like that before". That's how the sky looked today...like blue from another world. It was so pretty it almost brought tears to my eyes. The sun shining on my skin felt warm and invigorating. The wildflowers were so pretty that I almost tripped while looking at them, instead of watching where I was going. The best part was being able to push myself, physically, and feel challenged and alive. The human body is such an awe-inspiring thing. It is incredible to feel all your parts working together toward a goal, breathing deeply, moving fast, and feeling the wind in your hair. For most of my life, I was never much of an outdoor kind of person (nor much of an exercise person, for that matter)...but I think I could get used to this. It is so much more interesting than sitting inside, watching TV. I think it must be a sin to sit inside on a day like today. Truly, I felt closer to God than I have in a while...just by spending time walking in His creation (and listening to fabulous Christian music on my I-pod).

In other news, I signed up for a Christian dating site last night. I guess I am tired of not knowing any single guys in my age range, who share similar values. Granted, I have not looked around this site much yet, but I did look at a few profiles of guys in my age range. Most of them say things like "I am looking for someone in her early to mid-20s". So, essentially, they want women at least 10 years younger than them. The flip side of that is the age of men that seem to be viewing my profile (there is a feature where you can see who has viewed you). The average age of most men viewing my profile is 50. I just don't understand men. Is there something wrong with dating someone who is actually your age? Just asking!

I don't have great hopes for this online dating endeavor. I tried the online dating thing about 5 years ago. Actually, I met a guy that was really interesting. We talked for a couple months and I was starting to think, "This could be someone I'd be seriously interested in dating". Little by little, however, red flags started to appear. The biggest one, for me, was that he still lived with his parents (at age 30). He had not moved home because of a difficult time...he had just never moved out. He lived in his parents' basement. This might be shallow on my part, but I think someone who is 30 years old should have lived on his own, at least for a significant amount of time. I am not looking for Bill Gates to provide for me and take care of me. I don't even care about money (obviously, I am a pastor; money is not my motivating force in my life). But someone who knows how to take care of himself and knows who he is, these are non-negotiables to me. The first day of online dating does not look so hopeful, but we will see how it goes.

I realize that today's post is not the deepest of all posts. But I promise something more theologically stimulating will be coming soon. Hopefully the sheer excitement of my life will be inspiring to you (ha ha ha!). Now I must go and take a shower because, after hiking around this afternoon, I smell like a teenage boy. Have a fabulous weekend, blog friends!

Being an Extrovert

2008-05-23T11:13:00.004-05:00

I'm back from mini-vacation. I had an action-packed couple of days, with clergy session (insert yawn) and then a whirlwind trip to Lima. I ended up seeing more people than I even anticipated, which was wonderful. This trip reminded me, once again, that I am an extrovert. I mean that in the truest sense of the word. People think of "extrovert" as "outgoing" and "introvert" as "shy"...at least, that is my take on the common perception.

The best definition I've heard of extroversion/introversion is that extroverts feel energized by interactions with others and introverts feel energized by alone time. Ideally, a truly balanced person would find refreshment in both activities, but all people are going to tend toward one end of the spectrum or the other.

After seeing so many people that I loved and have missed--and after having good, reconnecting kinds of conversation with many--I feel renewed and re-energized. I don't often get to spend a couple days at a time with lots and lots of people. Being at a small church, in the middle of the country, I see a few people each day (and a lot of people on Sundays), but generally spend a lot more time alone, in reflection, than I do with large amounts of people. I was beginning to think I'd become an introvert. Really, I think I had just adjusted to my situation. Necessity is the mother of introversion, at least in my case.

I have always felt guilty about being an extrovert, thinking it not as intellectual or deep as being an introvert. Most introverts I know spend their lives wishing they were extroverts. Why is it that, no matter what the trait, as humans, we are never content with who we are? We always want to be what we are not.

I am grateful for growing older. Side note: I realize I am not "old" yet, at least not from the perspective of those of you older than I am. However, I am older than I have ever been in my life. What I like about each passing year is the perspective that it brings about what is important, about what really matters. (I dislike the gray hairs that appear on my head with continuing frequency). I guess I had to get into my thirties to start accepting myself as I am. For the first time in my life, I am happy that I am an extrovert. I see positives in the fact that I enjoy spending time with people, even just chatting at a superficial level (though, I'd prefer deeper conversation). I just like people and feel better about life and about myself after spending time with others. Granted, too much time with junior high students makes me want to become an introvert, but I guess there are exceptions to every rule!

So, if I were to sum this all up in a couple sentences as a thought for the day: God made us each unique and special, created the way we are for a reason and purpose. Maybe it is time we all started to embrace ourselves for who we are and celebrate the amazing gifts we have been given, instead of wishing we were different or more like someone else. (Or maybe I am the only one who struggles with this???)

Mini-vacation

2008-05-21T07:33:00.004-05:00

Today, I go to clergy session. All the pastors in our regional area get together for the day, to talk, worship, learn, discuss, and to vote (we wouldn't be United Methodists without all the voting!). It is an all day meeting, to do what we could get done in a couple hours, but it is fun to see people that I haven't seen in a year, so I won't complain. My motivating force for attendance at most events is fellowship, so I am excited about yucking it up with some of my cronies today.

After the session ends, I am booking it out of town, hoping to make it to Lima in time for a T-ball game. One of my oldest (meaning length of time of the friendship, not her age) and dearest friends has two sons that are like nephews to me. Zach has a T-ball game. I look forward to cheering him on. I am sure that 5 year olds playing T-ball will not reach great heights of athletic achievement, but it should be fun to watch, nonetheless.

I am staying the night in Lima, taking a vacation day the next day, and helping out my friend Melinda with final book projects at Lima Senior High School (where she is a teacher). I plan to meet with some of my old youth group kids, stop by my old church, and have dinner with some friends. It will be a whirlwind trip and I will not get to see half the people that I want to see...good thing I was invited back in a couple weeks for a Saturday dinner at the house of some people I love dearly!

All this itinerary information is to say that I will not get a chance to blog for a day or two, so check back Friday morning some time for the latest entry...or take some time to read the multitudes of past posts. Thanks for stopping by!

Weight Loss Surgery

2008-05-20T19:15:00.008-05:00

This past February, I had gastric bypass surgery. Most of you probably know that (and by "most", I mean all 5 people who regularly read my blog!), and for those of you who didn't, well, now you do. I had not really blogged about the weight loss surgery experience, and thought I would share some today.

First, if you wonder what gastric bypass really is, it basically means my stomach is now significantly physically smaller and my intestines have been rearranged in some fascinating way that I am unable to articulate fully. It was a pretty intense surgery and a drastic step to take--not something one does on a whim. I was required to be on a 6-month doctor-supervised diet and exercise program before I could even submit my claim for insurance approval (a requirement of the insurance company)...and the hospital will not schedule your surgery until you are officially approved by insurance (or until you personally pay them tens of thousands of dollars). The diet was about as successful as the many others I have tried. I did lose 20 lbs. in 6 months...which is still progress, but not great progress. Consequently, when a lovely older lady from my church says to me (on more than one occasion, after I've already had the surgery): "I know several people who have done really well with Weight Watchers", it makes me want to scream: "If a diet had worked for me, including Weight Watchers the three times I tried it, I wouldn't have risked my life to have my innards rearranged". I don't say it, but I think it.

I have been on a diet since I was 7 years old (that means 2nd grade, my friends) and what I have learned from those years of experience: diets don't really work, not for long-term results. Only life-style change really works. I heard this surgery described as "forced behavior modification", and I think that is a good description. You still have to do your part in the process (and let me tell you, it is not easy), but the surgery is a helpful "tool" (that's what all the doctors call it, because it is something you have to work with and use, not an instant cure).

I went today for a 3-month check-up. The Cleveland Clinic (where I had my surgery) has these things called "SMAs", which I think means "shared medical appointments". A bunch of us in similar stages meet together with the doctor. She discusses our cases individually, in front of everyone else...the theory behind this is that, because we are in similar situations, we may learn something from her interaction/discussion/teaching with each of us. I guess that was true, in part...but it was also a long two-hours. One thing I learned was that, of all nine people there today, I had lost the most weight so far. Yes, I was the biggest loser! I was expecting balloons to drop and someone to hand me a big check (like on the show, which I've never watched, but I hear they get big bucks at the end). That didn't happen, but they did all clap, which was nice. I have lost 62 lbs in a little over 3 months, and over 80 lbs. since I started the process of surgery preparation last August. I have further to go, but am really happy with my progress so far.

I spent some time talking with a couple ladies from the SMA. One of them told me she was very secretive about her weight loss, that most people from her work did not know she'd had surgery. I guess she had some bad responses from people when she told them about the surgery. I had some bad responses too, but so many more positive ones that I kinda blocked out the bad stuff. I felt badly for this woman, that she felt the need to hide her surgery. It also made me angry that people are so rude. I mean, seriously, the choices I make for my own health, my own life, my own body are my choices to make. It doesn't mean others shouldn't have opinions, but it does mean they should withhold judgment, especially if they have not walked in your body or lived your life. I tell everyone who asks about my weight loss that I have had surgery. If they decide to judge me for it, I figure that is more about them than it is about me. I made a choice that has literally saved my life, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

For me, this has been one of the best experiences of my life. I would gladly talk to anyone about it. It has given me control over an area of my life that has controlled me for as long as I can remember. I feel like I can finally overcome my weight issues...not without work and discipline, of course, but feel--for the first time--that it is very possible to have continued victory in this area of my life. I have never had that hope before. It makes me feel that anything in life, in any area of my life, is possible. It makes me want to try new things, to live more fully, to be bold and daring, to really be alive. (Again, let me say how much I love this surgery!) It has changed me from the inside out. I am not sure if the surgeon did something in my brain after he was done messing around in my abdomen, but I think differently about things now: food, exercise, life, myself. I LOVE IT! For example, I had an appointment with the nutritionist after the SMA, but had a little over an hour to kill in between. I had a book with me (because I never go anywhere without a book) and was planning on just reading to pass the time. However, I thought, "Maybe I should go take a walk. This place is huge and there is a lot to see." So, I went on a brisk walk for 45 minutes (and barely saw a fraction of THE CLEVELAND CLINIC). At any other point in my life, when given the choice between a sedentary activity and a physical one, I would always choose the sedentary option. But now I like to move, to breath, to live...an amazing change. I also want to be out more, to do things, to spend time with people. Before, I was so tired and felt so gross about myself that I would just hide out at home whenever I wasn't working or didn't have a social engagement that I could not get out of...now I am constantly on the look out for the next party, the next person to talk to, the next social activity. I like being out and doing things. I think, in fact, that I finally like me...not just because I have lost weight, but because I am becoming a better version of myself in every aspect of my life. This surgery is the best choice I ever made.

Unexpected Revelations

2008-05-19T16:31:00.007-05:00

As a pastor, you often hear deep and personal expressions from people--things that are usually as painful to hear as they are to say. In addition, I have a face that speaks. This is what my face says: "Please tell me things, random strangers--private, personal, embarrassing things. I am here to listen". Even without the title of pastor, my face invites familiarity...in grocery stores, airports, and other various and sundry locations. Sometimes, when I am particularly tired or stressed, I try not to make eye contact with people when out in public. I guess they can see in my eyes that I care, and with briefest eye contact, the telling of deep things begins. It is a gift and a curse.

Something that continues to surprise me is what happens in a pastoral counseling setting. People come into my office to talk to me. Usually, things have gotten pretty bad or difficult before you even ask to talk to your pastor, so I don't expect simple, easy things to come out of people's mouths. At some point in the conversation, the person will inevitably say something like: "Well, Pastor, it's really bad...are you sure you want to hear it? You will be surprised". I have been a pastor for 7 years, and have had this face for, well, my whole life...so honestly, there is not much I haven't heard. Still, I am always surprised when people worry they will shock me with their revelations. Maybe, just for fun, I should audibly gasp after someone tells me something particularly seedy (totally kidding!!!!).

I wonder if people think pastors are so holy that they know nothing of the world of sin and human frailty. Most people who become pastors do so because they realize they are, in fact, just as sinful as every one else in the world (perhaps moreso), and desperately in need of God's grace.

When people act as if they are about to saying something that will turn my faith upside down, I think: Has anyone ever actually read the Bible? Once you have read that book, nothing should really shock you about human nature again. It's all in there--nothing new under the sun.

The thing is, we all mess up. We all fail ourselves, fail each other, fail God. The Good News is that there is mercy, grace, healing, and new life available. That is one of the greatest things about being a pastor. I get to tell people (or at least remind them) that God's love is deeper than all their pain, God's mercy is wider than all their sin. That is an amazing thing.

Prince Caspian

2008-05-18T17:23:00.007-05:00

My mom has been visiting me this past week, to celebrate Mother's Day and then her birthday, which is today. We did lots of celebratory things throughout the week, but needed to specifically celbrate my mom entering her 59th year of life (sorry Mom, had to say it on the blog! One more year until the fun begins...) Because I had a funeral this afternoon, we decided to celebrate Mom's birth last night. We went to dinner, a funeral home visitation, then a movie (what can I say? I really know how to party!). Incidentally, I think this is one of the reasons that dating is difficult for a single pastor. If someone asks you out on a date, you have to say things like, "That sounds great, but would you mind stopping by the funeral home with me after dinner?" Doesn't work so well...but with moms, it's no problem.

Anyway, my self-sacrificing mother not only went to the funeral home with me, she pretended to want to see a movie that I really wanted to see. She would not admit it, but I know she was not thrilled about the idea of "Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian", which came out this weekend. I also forced her to watch "Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" on DVD this week, in preparation. She pretended to like it well enough, because she is good that way. She knows that I am obsessed with all things C.S. Lewis and, generally, supports me in my many obsessions.

Surprise surprise, "Prince Caspian" was amazing...my mom even cried...a lot. It was a truly beautiful movie. Being a person who loves (let me say that again: LOVES) "The Chronicles of Narnia", I was hesitant about these books being made into movies. Books are always better than movies (it is a universal truth). When "The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe" came out in the theater, I was there opening night. There were certainly things I liked about that movie--and I own the DVD--but it didn't measure up to the book. Truly, it fell far short of the glory of the book. The worst part, to me, was the depiction of Aslan (who is a lion, meant to be a Christ-figure). In my mind, Aslan is larger than life. To this day, my mental image of Aslan can bring me to tears. In the movie he just looked like, well, a lion...an ordinary lion (except for the fact that he talked and stuff). I guess when you are trying to represent Divinity, there is no earthly picture worthy of that fullness...but my imagination got a lot closer than the computer graphics did.

Being that I would have given the first "Chronicles of Narnia" movie a B- on the grading scale, I did not have the highest hopes for "Prince Caspian". Usually, sequels get worse, so I was expecting something in the C range...not an A (or even an A+, because I really loved this movie). I had read reviews giving it 3 out of 4 starts, saying it was good but too long, with too many protracted war scenes. I disagree. I was mesmerized the whole time. I even drank a huge bottle of water during the movie and absolutely refused to leave the theater to go to the bathroom (no matter how much my body demanded otherwise).

"Prince Caspian" was never my favorite book in the series (also not my least favorite...that distinction would go to "The Horse and His Boy", which is still a good book, but not as good as the others). However, I am now in love with this movie. It has beautiful themes of trusting in God, waiting on His timing, bravery/courage, loyalty, mercy, etc. Visually, it was captivating. And, Prince Caspian himself, is too pretty for words.

I highly recommend this movie to all. It is worth the $8 or $9 ticket price (but don't be like me and buy a $4.25 bottle of water, because you left your water bottle at home. I would complain about the ridiculous prices, but I am the ridiculous one who paid it!).

Redefining Perfect

2008-05-17T10:04:00.005-05:00

Someone introduced me to the concept of "redefining perfect" the other day. I had never heard that phrase before, but instantly liked it. It's a cognitive/behavioral therapy kind of term. That whole branch of psychology emphasizes that our thoughts are what produce behaviors. For many people, when they think they "can't" do something, they give up. Being that we are humans, there will always be limitations to what we can do. We will mess up. We will fail. We will fall short of our most cherished goals. And maybe that is ok...at least that's the point of "redefining perfect". Maybe "perfect" for you is getting it right 80 percent of the time...and allowing yourself the 20 percent of freedom to fail.

For me, this was an eye-opening concept. I tend to be a perfectionist. If I can't do something perfectly, I don't want to do it. If it is something I have to do, I am endlessly frustrated with the details that didn't go perfectly. I focus on the 10 percent that is missing, rather than the 90 percent that was fabulous. Admittedly, this is a character flaw in me. I have many; we all do. I decided long ago that I might as well just know my faults and own up to them--to me, that's the only way to live a healthy and authentic life. A quote by Socrates sums that up for me: "The unexamined life is not worth living." So true.

A constant quest for me is to learn how to be gracious with myself. I have no problem being gracious with others, giving them the benefit of the doubt. But I hold myself to a higher standard. Sometimes, that is a good thing, because it pushes me to do things with excellence. Sometimes, though, it is paralyzing, because the fear of not doing something perfectly keeps me from trying certain things. While I have made great strides in this area of my life, I am still a work in progress.

The whole idea of "redefining perfect" is pivotal for me: giving myself permission to not get it right all the time. A revolutionary concept! I realize that many of you who are reading this might be thinking, "duh!". Of course none of us is going to get everything right a hundred percent of the time. While I know that cognitively, emotionally, it is a different story. Maybe it is ok to be really good, instead of perfect. Maybe it is ok to completely mess up, dust yourself off, and try again. That is a freeing idea for me!

Living Life to the Fullest

2008-05-15T15:32:00.009-05:00

I was on a major highway early yesterday morning, when I came across a traffic-stopping jam. Thinking it was caused by construction, I was annoyed (you may remember from other posts that I get easily frustrated by ridiculous traffic problems). After about 20 minutes of near-stopped traffic, I finally came upon the cause of the jam...and my annoyance was replaced with melancholy. It was one of the worst accidents I've ever seen. Two cars, both upside down, crushed in such a way that survival seemed almost impossible. The people/bodies were gone by the time I drove past, but the cars sat in their original post-crash positions, a monument to the frailty of life.

This sight put me in a reflective mood for the rest of my drive. It dawned on me that life is fleeting, that things as we know them can change almost instantaneously, that you never know what is coming next around the corner. It made me think of the graveside funeral liturgy in the United Methodist Book of Worship (as best as I remember it): "In the midst of life we are in death. Who will save us? Our help comes from the LORD, the Maker of Heaven and Earth". In the midst of life, we are in death...very true, but we don't generally think about it until life forces us to face up to it.

I'm not really scared of death. In some ways, I am looking forward to it. I cannot wait to see Jesus. To quote a cheesy Christian song from the 90's (which I LOVE): "So I'm waiting for another time and another place, where all my hopes and dreams will be captured with one look at Jesus face". I dream of that day. That doesn't mean I am ready to jump off a building or anything; there is much of this life that I love and would miss desperately. It just means that, when the time comes, I would rather be with Jesus than anywhere else. I think a bigger fear than death, for me, is: What if I was a driver in that accident and I lived? No one escapes unscathed from that kind of accident; life would be forever altered, physically and mentally.

Admittedly, I am a big complainer...not so much to others, but certainly to God. God gets the brunt of all my frustrations in life, which I guess is ok, since He can take it. God gets good stuff from me, too--thanks, praise, appreciation. If I'm honest, though, He probably hears more bad: complaining, arguing, bargaining, lots and lots and lots of questions (most starting with "Why?"). That accident made realize I should be more grateful for what I do have...thankful for the life I've been given, with all its complications and confusion.

I guess that accident should also inspire me to live each day to the fullest. I live pretty fully right now, but could always embrace life and its complex beauty a little more wildly than I do. You know, that whole "live like you are dying" thing. The truth is, we ARE dying...every single one of us. Some day we will breath our last breath; we just don't know when.

This leads me to my problem with the whole idea of "living like you are dying". If I knew I only had 6 months more left to live, I would do things a lot differently than I do now. If I am going to be around for 40 or 50 more years, then I think I am charting a pretty effective course at present.

If given 6 months to live--since I had time to think about this on a long drive yesterday--I would quit my job and sell everything I own. The first thing to go would be any fitness equipment and all exercise videos. I would cash in my retirement. I would take all that money and spend the first 3 months traveling to the parts of the world I have yet to see--maybe even re-visiting places I have already been, but really loved. I would backpack around Europe (because, though I have assets, they would only be enough for a nice backpack and some youth hostels). I would sing on top of the Eiffel tower, touch the Crown Jewels (they would let me, because I'd play the "I'm dying" card), kiss the Blarney Stone, and sit under a tree at C.S. Lewis's house, while re-reading my favorite book of his, "'Til We Have Faces". I would go on safari in Tanzania, take a picture of Victoria Falls, and ride on a boat down the Amazon. I would travel to Australia and sing in an opera chorus at the Sydney Opera House (which they would let me do, again, because I was dying), and then chase after some wild kangaroos, while throwing around random terms like "barbie" and "mate". I would go to China and dance on the Great Wall, then I'd swing over to Bangkok and see the Royal Palace (which I missed while I was there, because I had Buddha's revenge...similar to Montezuma's revenge). I would also buy bags and bags of Thai sticky rice from every street vendor I could find, and eat it until I'd almost explode.

At the end of all my travels, I would spend my remaining 3 months with friends and family, creating memories, and making sure they knew what they meant to me. I would also read the Bible for an hour every day and pray for at least two hours every day...you know, kinda like cramming for finals. It never hurts to be overly prepared, especially for Eternity.

While that would be a great plan if I were given 6 months to live, if I am around for a few more decades, quitting my job and selling all that I have would probably be imprudent. So, I'm not sure you can really "live like you are dying" without endangering the next 40 years or so of life. But I guess we could all be more grateful for the life and time that we do have. We could make sure to say the things that need to be said, right here and right now. We could take more chances, live a little more boldly. And I promise, some day, I am totally going to kiss the Blarney Stone...but I am going to save money and, meanwhile, continue to use my elliptical trainer (but if I get cancer some day, exercise is the FIRST thing to go!).

Radiating Christ

2008-05-14T21:34:00.003-05:00

It has been a long and tiring day, and I feel ready for sleep but wanted to blog about something (so as to keep up my newly formed habit). I found a beautiful prayer that I thought I would share. I hope it inspires!

Radiating Christ
By Cardinal Newman
A daily prayer used by Late Mother Teresa and by the Sisters of the Missionaries of Charity

Dear Jesus, help us to spread your fragrance everywhere we go.
Flood our souls with your spirit and life.
Penetrate and possess our whole being so utterly
that our lives may only be a radiance of yours.
Shine through us, and be so in us,
that every soul we come in contact with
may feel your presence in our soul.
Let them look up and see no longer us but only Jesus!
Stay with us, and then we shall begin to shine as you shine;
so to shine as to be a light to others;
the light O Jesus,will be all from you, none of it will be ours;
it will be you, shining on others through us.
Let us thus praise you in the way you love best
by shining on those around us.
Let us preach you without preaching,
not by words but by our example,
by the catching force,
the sympathetic influence of what we do.
The evident fullness of the love our hearts bear to you.
Amen

Personality Tests

2008-05-13T16:18:00.009-05:00

I spent last night taking three personality tests: aproximately 1,100 questions about who I am and what I think. The tests are a required part of a Doctorate of Ministry (DMin) program that I am applying for; the DMin would require me to do work all year long, but only be in "residency" a couple times a year, for about 10 days each time. Essentially, it would count as my continuing education requirement for the next 3 years, when I emerge with, hopefully, a degree (and some valuable ministry-applicable ideas). The personality tests are, I guess, designed to make sure I am not crazy. While I am convinced most people have their own unique brand of crazy, they seem to be checking that I'm not certifiable.

One of the tests had multiple choice questions. The other two made statements and you were supposed to answer whether that statement was true for you or false for you. I had my five #2 pencils (and, today, a sore thumb from using them), filling in bubbles. It brought back awful SAT flashbacks! However, the questions were much easier, or so you would think. On a personality test, I should (at least in theory) know all the answers, better than anyone else. My problem, as I discovered last night, is that I think way too much about most things. I overthink, which is not a helpful characteristic on tests like these.

Some of the questions were straightforward. "I like science". True or False. I guess I have no problems with science; it does a lot of good in the world. I like to watch "Myth Busters", which is kind of about science. True. "I love my mother". True or False. If you say "no" to this question, I am certain that red flags and lots of bells and whistles go off in the grader's head. Who would say she doesn't love her mother on a personality test? Of course I love my mother. True. "Sometimes parts of my body become numb or tingly". True of False. (I'm not making this up, friends!). Do they mean after I sit too long taking stupid personality tests or just randomly? Numbness does not seem to be a pressing problem in my life. False. "I hear voices telling me what to do". True or False. A loaded question, if you are a pastor. Everyone has an opinion about what I should or should not do (don't mean that in a bitter way, just stating the truth). However, I am assuming that "voices" mean people that others cannot hear. Even if I did hear voices, I would not say so on a test I'm taking to figure out if I should be institutionalized or not (have no fear, I am voiceless...for now). False.

Every once in a while, a question would come up that would just stump me completely...again, it is the over-thinking problem that I have. The most difficult one for me: "I am satisfied with my sex life". True or False. I am a single pastor applying for a Doctorate of Ministry program. How do you answer that? I mean, I am completely committed to celibacy outside of the context of marriage, but that doesn't mean I like it! I just like God more than anything else and want to be faithful to what God says I should and should not do. So, no marriage=no sex. The question was whether or not I am satisfied with my sex life. There was no "does not apply" option available. Either way I answer that, it seems like a loaded question. After much internal dialogue, I answered False...because my preference would be to be married and to actually have a sex life. It is a good thing they don't give extra space for comments on your answers. They would know a whole lot more about me than they want to know...because in addition to thinking too much, I also like to clarify things completely, sometimes to a fault (like when you are taking tests with strange questions and cannot stand the inability to fully explain your answers).

Here's hoping that I "pass" the personality tests!

Mother's Day Banners

2008-05-12T11:54:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was Mother's Day. In our church, we have a "Mother's Day" banner than has hung on the wall every mother's day for the past so many years (probably longer than I have been alive). Last year was my first Mother's Day at my church, and the banner caught me by surprise. This year, I was determined to get that banner taken down. Since Pentecost Sunday fell on Mother's Day, I got a new banner--one focused on the Holy Spirit and confirmation (which we were also celebrating this Sunday). I even made the banner myself. Actually, it was a kit that I bought from a church supply company. I had to put it together, though, and even broke my iron while permanently affixing the multiple pieces. So, I carried my finished project into church, thinking it the answer to my Mother's Day banner dilemma.

My problem is not with the Mother's Day banner itself; it is very pretty, very well-made. My problem is with what it says: "God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers". There is nothing I like about that statement...unless it just said, "God created mothers", because then it would be a true statement. As it stands, it is completely inaccurate. God IS everywhere, without limit or boundary. That is implicit in the very definition of Divinity: omnipresence. Also, it was not as if God was sitting in Heaven one day, thinking: "My schedule is just getting so full, I better get some help around here...wait, I know what I can do...make some mothers to help me out a bit". The whole idea is absolutely absurd. In addition to being all-knowing, all-powerful, and present everywhere, God is also not reactionary. God does not "paint Himself into a corner" and need to come up with a creative solution to get Himself out of a bind. God knows what He is doing, plans things out in advance, has purpose and order in all He does. God chose to create mothers because that was a good thing to do, because it was part of the original design of things...not because He got overworked with Plan A and needed to move on to Plan B. Anyway, I guess I am the theology police or something, but I cannot stand to advertise misleading thoughts about God, especially not on the sanctuary wall.

Early on Sunday morning, I tried to sneakily put up my newly created banner and take down the Mother's Day banner, but two women saw me, so I had to explain myself. Then one of them said, "Well, where can we put the Mother's Day banner now?" To which I felt the need to explain why I did not want the Mother's Day banner to be put anywhere beside the back closet. Theologically correct though I may be, I was insensitive about the situation, being that one of the women actually made the banner so many years ago. Realizing that fact (in the middle of my lecture on God's omnipresence and intentional design of the family unit), I tried to make it clear how pretty I thought the banner was, and how well put together it was (which it is)...but it was too late. I totally upset the banner's creator, which was not my intention. The people pleaser in me wanted to take it all back and just put the thing back up somewhere, in order to make peace. But, as I sat in my office before church, I reminded myself that I am the pastor and it is my job to think theologically about what we do and say as a Church. Plus, as much as I hated to upset someone that I really care about, I wasn't willing to make peace if it meant putting the banner back up (though, as I've already admitted, the idea of peace-keeping crossed my mind).

That all being said, I am glad that God created Mothers. God knows what He is doing and that was a good idea. Way to go, God!

Be careful what you say...

2008-05-10T10:31:00.003-05:00

I met another United Methodist pastor the other day, while attending the senior project of a friend of mine who attends Ohio Northern University. The unique thing about him was that he is actually younger than me. Young United Methodist clergy are a rarity, and I am generally the youngest pastor in the room by at least 20 years. It was kind of nice not the be the baby pastor!

He and I talked about ministry and issues relating to being a pastor. Then he said something to me about "those fundies down at Asbury" (fundies=fundamentalists). Fundamentalist is never a word used in a positive way, at least not in my experience. I kind of took offence to the idea that everyone who went to my seminary (Asbury) is a "fundie". So, I said, "Oh, you mean my Alma Mater", to which he got tongue-tied and started back-peddling a bit.

I don't blame him. I, myself, have been guilty of gross generalizations, prejudices, stereotypes. For instance, a couple years ago, while having lunch with a clergy woman that I really like and admire, I made a pretty awful comment about METHESCO (The Methodist Theological School of Ohio). METHESCO has a reputation for being a very liberal seminary, which my more conservative friends and I tend to make jokes about (not a great thing to admit, but it's true). Anyway, after I made some obnoxious METHESCO comment, my gracious friend informed me that she had graduated from METHESCO. I literally choked on the water that I had just tried to swallow. I felt about 2 inches tall. It made me think that I should be careful what I say...and careful when and how I say things.

Now that I have been on the receiving end of a stupid comment about my seminary (a place I happened to love, which irrevocably shaped the person and pastor that I am, for the better), it reminds me again to be careful what I say. It also behooves me to not make sweeping generalizations about any person or place. We should know better than that, as pastors. Yet, I know there are stereotypes about seminaries or groups that people choose to align themselves with...as pastors (and as people), we can be very divided in purpose because we are too busy putting others into tight-fitting little boxes (which we are most likely judging incorrectly).

John Wesley, founder of Methodism, speaks to this: "'If thine heart is as my heart," if thou lovest God and all mankind, I ask no more: "give me thine hand."'

2 Kings 10:15 "And when he was departed thence, he lighted on Jehonadab the son of Rechab coming to meet him, and he saluted him, and said to him, Is thine heart right, as my heart is with thy heart? And Jehonadab answered: It is. If it be, give me thine hand."

"If it be, give me thy hand." I do not mean, "Be of my opinion." You need not: I do not expect or desire it. Neither do I mean, "I will be of your opinion." I cannot, it does not depend on my choice: I can no more think, than I can see or hear, as I will. Keep you your opinion; I mine; and that as steadily as ever. You need not even endeavour to come over to me, or bring me over to you. I do not desire you to dispute those points, or to hear or speak one word concerning them. Let all opinions alone on one side and the other: only "give me thine hand." (from John Wesley's "Catholic Spirit")

General Conference Pictures

2008-05-09T16:23:00.007-05:00

I only took two pictures (with my phone) while I was at General Conference. One picture (on the left) is of a giant star made of cowboy hats. I have never seen anything like it. Every time I walked by, I was amazed. Only Texans would make a giant star out of cowboy hats!!!!

The other picture (on top) is of the General Conference floor, where all the main legislative sessions and worship services took place. They had several really trendy screens placed all around the area. It was very high-tech and really cool!

Amazing Youth

2008-05-09T09:13:00.005-05:00

There is an amazing young woman from my church, named Abby. She is a senior in high school, president of the youth group, incredibly dedicated to God and committed to living out her faith...the kind of teenager that makes a pastor weep on Graduation Sunday, because you hate to see her go.

For her senior project, Abby planned, organized, and implemented a mission trip to help the still struggling victims of hurricane Katrina. The trip took place between Christmas and New Years. Abby talked about her trip at church one Sunday, complete with a power point presentation. The adults in our congregation were moved (and, dare I say, convicted) that someone so young felt compelled to do something that most adults have not done. I have talked with Abby about that sentiment (i.e. how inspired the people of our church have been by her example). She is surprised people think it is so amazing, saying "Isn't this what all Christians are supposed to do?" She thinks it more surprising that some Christians do nothing to make a difference in the world, on behalf of Christ. I spared her the lecture about the difference between what Christians are supposed to do and what they ACTUALLY do. She is still passionate enough to want to change the world for Christ, and I don't want the apathy of some Christians to ever be a deterrent to her faith.

Abby invited me to be a judge for her senior project presentation yesterday. Once again, she blew the audience away. I kept thinking, as I sat there: "We are in a secular high school and here she is quoting Scripture and talking about service as a necessary part of her faith"...and more impressive, people were AMAZED. They were not offended by her faith (she is the epitome of sweetness, so I doubt she has the ability to offend). They were impressed by her example of service and sacrifice, her heart for others and desire to make a difference in the world. I think that is the kind of faith we are called to live out--faith that speaks so powerfully through our actions that people stop and take notice. I am not sure what the other senior projects were, because I only stayed for Abby's presentation, but I got the feeling (from some of the different teachers' comments) that she was the only one to take on something so huge. I felt so proud of her as she presented: proud to be her pastor and proud to be a Christian.

As part of her presentation, Abby talked about different kind of mission opportunities around the world and why we do mission work. She shared about the 10/40 window (which is a latitude/longitude designation, marking the area of the world that is most populated and least evangelized--encompassing a lot of Asia and Africa). The statistic she quoted was that 95% of the people in this area have never heard the Gospel ("Gospel" meaning the life-changing message of Jesus Christ), which she announced she found very surprising. I guess, living in the US, where all you have to do is turn on the TV and see some scary televangelist yelling about Jesus, it is hard to imagine a place where people have never even heard Jesus' Name.

When the time for questions came, one of the teachers (or other guest judges, not really sure) asked Abby about the 10/40 window and sharing the Gospel. She specifically asked her what the difference was between sharing the Gospel and doing service (like what Abby and her team did on their mission trip). Ultimately, Abby answered that the two were inseparable. To her, you show and tell people about Jesus by serving them, finding opportunities to talk about your faith along the way. I was proud of her answer, proud she "gets it" that Jesus wants us to walk the walk, as well as talk the talk.

Abby's closing challenge to the audience (filled with at least 50 teenagers and a bunch of adults) was for us to find ways to serve others, right where we are. She challenged us to make a difference in our neighborhoods, communities, and the world. For me, it was one of the best sermons I've ever heard...and we were right there in the middle of a public high school.

Traffic Annoyances

2008-05-07T12:35:00.004-05:00

I had a long drive today, to and from my monthly clergy cluster meeting. While in transit, I noticed something that really peeves me: bad drivers...let me clarify, drivers who think where they have to be is more important than where anyone else may need to be.

On three separate occasions today, I saw drivers get into the wrong lane, realize they needed to be somewhere else, and then hold up traffic until the coast was clear for them to get back where they wanted to be...making everyone behind them wait because of their mistake. All of these occasions were in town, at busy intersections, where there are no extra lanes to get around someone and traffic is extra congested (leading to possible accidents when people do stupid things).

Now, you might think I am being ungracious, and perhaps I am. I am just of the mindset that when you make a mistake (i.e. get into the wrong lane), you should not inconvenience others in your attempt to rectify the situation. That would mean, in this particular example of traffic, don't let your car block two to three lanes of traffic while you wait to get into the lane you actually wanted. Proceed in the lane you find yourself in and turn around or take another street in order to get back to where you wanted to be. That would probably take the same amount of time, but it would not inconvenience everyone behind you. If I ruled the world, that would be the law! (but I am by no means applying for THAT job!)

At base, the thing that really bothers me is selfishness: doing what you want to do and not thinking about the people around you or how your actions are affecting them. It probably bothers me because I see selfishness rear its ugly head in my heart from time to time (probably more often than I dare admit), and I hate it. We tend to dislike vehemently in others the things we most dislike in ourselves, or so I've read (and experienced). I want so badly to love and serve Christ by serving and loving others...but there is this ME that gets in the way of that sometimes. This ME demands attention, approval, the right to be right in all things...it's not the prettiest part of this creature that God has called "good". I only confess this openly on my blog because I know I am not alone in the struggle. Jesus says "dying to self" is a necessary part of following Him...not an easy part, but a necessary one. I wish there were a pill you could take to simply make that happen. Instead, it is like a daily wrestling with the disparity between who you are and who you are called to become.

A more selfless person than me would probably be moved to pray for the rude, traffic blocking people, knowing that they are in need of God's grace...instead of just getting annoyed like I did today. Perhaps, next time I see someone doing something incredibly selfish, I will pray that God forgives me for all the selfish things I do without even being aware of it (and for the selfish things I do that I am completely aware of, as well). Oh, to love God and others more perfectly...

Jessica is way better than Taco Bueno!

2008-05-06T20:09:00.008-05:00

I was remiss in mentioning an important part of my trip to General Conference: getting to spend time with my best friend, Jessica. She commented on my General Conference post from earlier this week, wondering why I mentioned Taco Bueno and not her. Seriously, the refried beans from Taco Bueno are out of this world, but she is even better. If this post works correctly, you shoud be able to see our picture to the left (aren't we cute?). We are proudly holding up our "page badges"--the symbol of complete and ultimate power (not really, but it did allow me to get up close to many United Methodist bishops, and more importantly, to the Rev. Adam Hamilton, who is like a rock star in Methodist circles; I delivered a note to him; he didn't look up because he was sending a text message, but I did almost touch him). But, I digress...

Jessica and I were roommates in seminary. We met in choir (the "Singing Seminarians"; yes, that is the real name). We were both crying one day during rehearsal, over certain men in our lives, and it created an instant bond between us (do you like how I share our deep emotional pain on the blog, Jes?!). While I have been blessed with many close and wonderful friends in my life, Jes has been the closest, making me understand the Bible verse: "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (Proverbs 18:24) Jessica has been such a friend to me...and again, that is not to diminish the other great friendships in my life. This friendship is just different...making her the person that I want to talk to first whenever something significant happens, for good or for bad (ok, after I talk to my mom, that is...because as crazy as my mom makes me sometimes--you know I love you, Corky!--I am still a momma's girl at heart).

I met a fellow page at General Conference named Tim. Turns out he and I went to the same seminary, but at different times. We talked about our seminary days and what God had done in our lives there. He told me about his best friend from seminary, and I told him about Jes. I also told him that hands down, my friendship with her was the best thing I got from seminary (not that my $50,000 degree wasn't special or anything); he said the same about his friend. It made me wonder, since being a pastor is so hard (heck, since life is so hard), if God doesn't step in and give you a gift: the gift of a soul connection with another person who will be there for you throughout all the stages of life and ministry. There are days when I feel very alone in the world, but Jes is always there...a very tangible way for me to know and remember that God is real and He loves me.

One of my favorite names for the Holy Spirit is the word "Paraclete", which means "the One who comes alongside". I think that is a good description of my friend, Jes, as well...she's a mini-paraclete: one who knows me--the good, the bad, and the ugly--and loves me anyway.

One mark of a great friendship is that you feel loved and supported, but that is not the whole of friendship. Another significant aspect of friendship, at least in my eyes, is someone that helps you become the best version of yourself. Through my friendship with Jessica, I have found healing from God and learned how to accept the parts of myself that bother me the most. I have learned more about God's unconditional love through her example. I have learned that it is safe to open up your heart and soul to someone--that you don't have to be perfect to be accepted (being a perfectionist, that was a hard lesson to learn). I still have this secret fear she will someday realize that I am really not as great as she seems to think I am, but that has more to do with my insecurities than it does with the depth of her character or the nature of our friendship. Sometimes I am still in awe that someone so amazing is actually my best friend.

Living in different states, being busy pastors, having multiple life and family commitments, all make it difficult to spend much time together. So, I am grateful for General Conference, because it gave me time to spend with my dearest friend...and my soul is in a much better place because of that. Friendship is a means of grace, a way of encountering God. Thank you, Jes, for always being a conduit of God's love and grace in my life. Hanging out with you was better than Taco Bueno or even the multiple Adam Hamilton sightings.

Cyclone in Myanmar

2008-05-05T22:21:00.003-05:00

I just read the following news brief on facebook.com:

"Nearly 4,000 people were killed Saturday by a devastating cyclone that smashed into Myanmar and officials fear its toll could go as high as 10,000. The death toll is likely to climb sharply because government officials say the storm hit with such force that 3,000 people from a single town cannot be found. Foreign Minister Nyan Win told foreign diplomats during a briefing that the death toll could reach 10,000, according to diplomats who spoke on condition of anonymity because the meeting was held behind closed doors. It was already a dramatic increase in the toll, which had been set at 351. 'The confirmed number is 3,934 dead, 41 injured and 2,879 missing within the Yangon and Irrawaddy divisions,' MRTV reported as aid agencies said hundreds of thousands of people were without shelter and drinking water."

Having actually been to Myanmar (ok, really, I just stood on the border and looked in because I didn't have a visa...but I kinda stuck my toe over the line, so I count that as a visit!), my heart breaks for the people there. They certainly need our prayers.

I find it interesting that, even though I have watched several news programs in the past two days, I've heard nothing about this before tonight. It seems significant enough for at least a little news coverage, or so you'd think. This reminds me of when I went to Venezuela in 2000, just after a huge flood. It was estimated that over 100,000 people were killed in that flood, yet it was barely a blip on the radar screen of our newscasts. I love the United States and all, but it would really be nice to if our media could take more notice of the rest of the world.
And that is my soapbox for tonight...

Confirmation Interviews

2008-05-04T21:02:00.004-05:00

I interviewed a bunch of teenagers today, asking them questions about their faith...17 teenagers, to be exact. It was a long day!

Confirmation is the chance for teens to stand up and proclaim, in front of their church family, that they want to follow Jesus and serve Him with their lives. We have had confirmation classes all school year long on Sunday afternoons. I love those kids, but have to admit I am glad it is coming to an end. With 11 junior high boys and 6 junior high girls, it was more than a little crazy most days.

Knowing they had interviews today (to see if they really understand what confirmation is and discuss if they are ready to make that kind of committment), the kids were in rare form. My "class clown" came up to me before church this morning and said, "Pastor Tina, you look very pretty today". I said, "Are you trying to kiss up to me so you pass your confirmation interview?" He hung his head, mumbled "yes" under his breath, and walked away. They underestimate how smart I really am! ha ha ha!

The funniest thing about today was how nervous most of the kids were. They talked really fast, had trouble making eye contact, and answered with shaky voices. I struggled not to giggle. It isn't that I like to torture teens, it's just that I'm the least intimidating person alive. The kids know that. I taught their class for a year and they walked all over me (I have many gifts, but I am not the world's greatest disciplinarian, admittedly). The problem: They know I am funny--never let them see your sense of humor. I heard Joy Behar, from THE VIEW, talk about being a teacher in the public school system. Even though she is a comedian, she said she was never funny in the classroom because "the minute they know you are funny, you've lost control". I am living proof of that theory!

I wanted to meet with the kids individually and talk through the questions they are going to answer during the confirmation service, so they know what they are vowing to God. I'm a big proponent of only making vows to God that you: a) understand and b) actually plan to keep. Most of the kids are taking this really seriously, which makes me happy. That could be because I have talked about how serious this step is, over and over again, all year. Poor kids! No wonder they were scared.

I am not sure who came up with the baptismal questions in the United Methodist Hymnal, but I am thinking it is some old man that has never spoken with a teenager (or, for that matter, any normal person on the face of the earth). Let me give an example from the very first question they will be asked next Sunday, during the confirmation service: "Do you renounce the spiritual forces of wickedness, reject the evil powers of this world, and repent of your sin?" I went to seminary for four years and I have no idea what that means!!! I jest. I do know what it means, but wonder how any 8th grader is ever going to understand that? I now know all the questions by heart after discussing them one by one, 17 different times today. Of course, all the kids looked at me like I was on drugs when I asked them what the questions meant. I want to re-write all our liturgies in words and phrases that normal people can understand. You should not have to be in Mensa in order to join the church...call me crazy, but that's how I feel about it.

The best part of these interviews was getting to hear how excited these kids really are about their faith. They all want to get closer to God. When I asked why they wanted to be confirmed, most of them said: "To get closer to God". So, I followed with the question, "How will being confirmed help you be closer to God?" The answers were a little sketchy on that one, but they were trying...and they really do seem to want to know God better, which I think pleases God. God is always pleased when we desire more of Him.

The highlight of today was praying with two of my kids as they accepted Christ as their Savior for the first time. Days like today make up for all the stinky days...like when I have to plunge the toilet at church or photocopy newsletters or attend endless committee meetings. Some days, it's kind of a nice thing to be a pastor...even when you scare teenagers!

Airplanes

2008-05-03T00:54:00.004-05:00

I flew home from Dallas/Ft. Worth tonight, in what looked like a pretty large airplane. For such a large plane, you would think the seat space would be roomier. I guess the actual seat is OK, but the leg room???? I am 6 feet tall. On an airplane, I become an instant sardine. Seriously, who can sit in those seats and be comfortable? Midgets? (I know it is not politically correct to say "midgets", but I am tired from being squished on an airplane and have lost all sense of propriety...plus I just like that word: midgets...say it to yourself a few times; it's a great word).

Those experienced fliers among you will tell me that I should sit in the emergency exit row and thus have more leg room. The problem with that idea is that every tall person in the world has the same plan. It would be easier to win the lottery than get one of those seats. To make matters worse, short people steal those seats. Seriously, people who don't have to ride for hours with their knees in their nose take the only seats on the plane where you can actually stretch out your legs. I know that Jesus loves these short people, but I want to steal their puke bags and pray for turbulence.

Not only is there no leg room on the plane, some braniac (probably a short person) decided to make seats that recline. So, picture a really tall person with her knees jammed into the seat in front of her when, suddenly, the man in front appears in her lap. I'm not exaggerating. I could have rested my complimentary beverage on his head.

Tonight's ride, however, was not the most uncomfortable of my life. That award would go to a 4-hour flight from Frankfurt to Moscow...where I had the window seat, in a row filled with people all well over 6 feet tall. I don't think any of the three of us in that row could move the smallest muscle for the entire flight. It sucked raw eggs. Comparatively speaking, tonight wasn't so bad.

I am forever in awe of how many miles one can travel in a matter of hours via a plane. Though they may be uncomfortable, I am grateful for them...and grateful to be home. There is no place like home (corny but true).

Tales from General Conference

2008-05-01T23:52:00.003-05:00

I apologize for the blogging silence. I had surgery in February and spent time recovering from that, then making up for time that I was out from work, and simply re-adjusting to normal life again. That has taken up the bulk of my time. Have no fear, faithful blog readers, all is well; I am healthier than ever and hopefully back in the swing of blogging.

This week finds me at General Conference in Ft. Worth, TX. Every four years the United Methodist Church meets as a global church, to redefine who we are and how we are to live out our faith together. I am serving as a page, which means "one who walks all over the place handing out notes"--and other duties as assigned. I am averaging about 6 miles a day on the pedometer. So I get to exercise and be a Methodist nerd. What more could a person want?

It has been an adventure to be at Conference. I am seeing things in action that I've only read about. My UM Polity class (i.e. boring class all about the United Methodist Book of Discipline) did not do this process justice. It is fascinating to watch our process in action (very similiar to the American governmenal system) and to literally witness history in the making. I love seeing all the delegates from all over the world: all of us, together, one Lord, one Church. It is a beautiful thing.

General Conference is also incredibly frustrating. We have this concept in Methodism of everyone having the right to an opinion...everyone is represented. That is a wonderful thing when it works well, and irritating when fallen human nature (rather than grace) prevails. As always, there seem to be people who just like to hear themselves speak into microphones (which is my biggest pet peeve about Annual Confernce, our yearly regional meeting every summer).

The biggest frustration of General Conference, for me, has to do with the issue of homosexuality--and our ENDLESS discussion of it. Certainly, there are theological issues that need to be discussed. I believe and understand that. However, we as Methodists are completely fixated on one thing: homosexuality. That's not totally fair; we do discuss other things, but somehow it always seems to come back to homosexuality. I will lay down my cards on this issue. I am a conservative in regard to homosexuality. I feel like I have heard every possible argument against my position and nothing has really seemed compelling enough to change my mind yet. I think a person on the other side of the argument would probably say the same thing. We keep saying the same things to each other, over and again, only making everyone upset with each other, and distracting us from more important things, like, um...making disciples for Jesus Christ.

The reason I became a pastor is because I wanted to change the world for Christ. I wanted to see people transformed, until they became just like Jesus...living out His mission and His love in this world. I still think that is what Christianity (and the Church) is all about...at least what it SHOULD be all about. Yet, we focus on peripheral things as if they were the main things, and miss the point of the Church entirely.

The goal of my life is to love Jesus more, to love His people better, to make a difference in the world...somehow doing my part to bring His Kindgom right here to this little sphere of world that I inhabit. I wish that were our focus as a Church...both globally and individually. Too often, we are focused on everything but Jesus. It happens to me as an individual. I get my eyes focused on the wrong things, the lesser things. It happens in the local church, as we fight and bicker and gossip and focus on things that really don't matter a whole lot, at least not when it comes to furthering the Kingdom of God. It certainly happens at a global meeting like this; we are distracted from the central purpose of life: loving and glorifying God.

Does that mean nothing good has happened at General Conference? Lots of good has occurred: holy conferencing, redirection of focus, important legislation, relationships formed and strengthened, etc. Many good things. I have hope for the Church of Jesus Christ. God has not abandoned us yet, nor do I expect that He will abandon us in the future. It is just that when you gather a bunch of people together they act like, well, people...flawed and beautiful, profound and profaine, dull and inspired...we are a strange mixture of dirt and grace. Thank God for His continued patience and love.

I would also like to take this moment to thank God for Taco Bueno, a reason that I will be sad to leave Texas tomorrow. They have the best refried beans in the world...the world, I say!!!!

Being a Christian

2008-02-05T13:26:00.000-05:00

I received an email today with a great poem, attributed to Maya Angelou. I did some research online and found out it wasn't written by her, and it had been changed a little along the way...like the game of "telephone" via the internet. Anyway, I really liked the sentiment, and hadn't blogged for awhile, so I thought I would share it to brighten your day.

When I say "I am a Christian"
Carol Wimmer

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way".
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name.
When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved.

Resolutions and Change

2008-01-04T19:38:00.001-05:00

It is a new year. Each new year is also an introduction to a new age for me, since my birthday is on New Year's Eve. The year 2008 also begins another chronologcial year of life for me. I tend to become reflective around my birthday, wondering what the next year will bring. That is intensified as the whole world also reflects on my birthday, planning resolutions for the new year. I guess we all need benchmarks, times to evaluate who we are, who we wish to be, and the disparity between the two.

I was on vacation in Georgia, visiting my sister and her family, over the holidays. I had a rare opportunity to sit in the pews of a church, rather than staring out at the pews, which excited me. I went to the mammoth (an understatement) Baptist church around the corner from my sister's house (which their family affectionately calls the "Jesus Dome") on the 30th. The guest preacher talked about family relationships and forgiveness. I guess he figured that most people were ready to kill their families after too much holiday time together! He opened his sermon by talking about resolutions. I can't remember the source he quoted...probably because my butt was still vibrating from the 15 guitars, drums, basses and other band instruments that made my seat move. Anyway, he referred to a sample population somewhere who were asked about new year's resolutions. Of the people questioned, all of them had new year's resolutions. When asked the likelihood of keeping those resolutions, 85 percent of people expected to fail (before the new year even began). When the same people were asked what their resolutions were from the previous year, guess what percentage could NOT remember? 100 percent. That floored me. But come to think of it, I am not really sure what my resolutions for 2007 were either...

All of this has got me thinking about the purpose of resolutions. Why even have them at all if no one keeps them? What is the purpose? I guess we all need a little hope, the glimmer of feeling that this year will be better than the last. We also like the illusion of control. If we feel in control of our fate--if we can do something, anything, to make ourselves better, happier--the future seems easier to face. But why do we give up? I guess because it is hard. Change is hard. Impossible, though? I hope not!

I had someone tell me recently that people just don't change. Is that really true? Our failure to keep resolutions is not the greatest testimony to our ability to change. My history teacher in high school told us that a basic human personality is formed by the age of 6 and will not change without some catastrophic, world-shaking kind of event. Keep in mind, he also told us how to "drop acid". (He was an archetypal hippie, so random, drug-references would often occur). My college psychology major convinced me that basic personality is formed even earlier than age 6, but made me optimistic that change is possible. The whole profession of psychology is built around the idea that people can, and do, change. Come to think of it, so is ministry. Christianity is all about transformation...dying with Christ and rising to new life..."the old has gone, the new has come".

People can change, become better, be transformed...but it doesn't always happen. In fact, transformation and change may be more the exception than the rule. I think there is one central thing which contributes to our changelessness more than anything else: our inability, or unwillingness, to do the difficult inner work required for change. That "inner work" encompasses a lot of things, but fundamentally: taking responsibility for our own actions, situations, weaknesses and sins, facing our inner demons with courage and consistency, taking time to understand our motivations and responses, the ability to defer immediate gratification for a greater reward down the road, etc.

I think about the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit. When God comes to them, asking what they have done (even though He knows full well what has happened), Adam blames the woman, the woman blames the snake...and I am sure the snake would have blamed someone, too, if given the chance...but he was long gone, his work being accomplished. I think that blaming is the worst part of it all. Rather than saying, "You know what God, we really messed up. We did what you asked us not to do and we have no one to blame but ourselves; we need Your help and Your forgiveness; we cannot be the people you created us to be without Your help. Please help." Instead, they say, "It wasn't me!" We do the same thing today. In relationships that are difficult, it is the other person who acts unreasonably. In our jobs, it is our co-workers, our boss, the mundane tasks that make us miserable. In our diets, we are too busy too exercise. There is usually an excuse for why we don't change...and most of the time, it is because of someone, or some thing, else. We don't like to look inside. We don't like to take responsibility.

We like things to be fast, convenient, and effortless. I know this because I am human. I am prone to these tendencies. The greatest obstacle between where I am now and where I want to be has always been, and will always be, me. I believe that to be a universal truth. We cannot control all the things that happen in our lives. Tragedies and joys come and go. The only thing we can control is our response...who we are in the midst of all that happens around us. Too often, we let what is happening around us define who we are and what we experience. We settle for status quo and suddenly another new year comes, and nothing has really changed.

What is the point of all this mental wandering? I guess to encourage myself, and all of us, to not give up on change in the new year. Let's do the work that it takes to be the people we are meant to be. It is slow, difficult, internal work...but it is not impossible. People CAN change. The choice is ours alone.

The Season of Giving

2007-12-19T21:24:00.000-05:00

I had an experience tonight that has me reflecting on what it really means to give. Walking out of a restaurant with some take out, a man stopped me. He had a story. There was a time in my ministry when I heard at least 20 such stories a week. Now, since my church is in the middle of some fields, I don't hear too many stories.

There are people in this world who have made scamming others into an art form. They are truly gifted. I've often wondered why these people don't channel all that creative energy and seek more honest income. For some, this scheming life might be rather lucrative. I remember reading a news article about a panhandler in a major metropolitan area who made over $50,000 a year (and that was several years ago, so he probably makes even more now). In reality, I think that is a rarity. Even the people that lie to you have a geunine need, sometimes truly financial, sometimes deeper than meets the eye, often both. I heard someone say that, as Christians, it is our job to "discern what the true need is" when people ask us for something. What are they really asking for?

I am not sure if the man I met tonight was lying to me or not. It is frustrating to me that I am automatically cynical and defensive when someone approaches me for help...as if I am expecting to be cheated. Certainly there are people who are honest and upfront about what they need. If you close yourself off to everyone, you may turn your back on someone who really needs help.

It is interesting to me that Jesus doesn't make distinctions when it comes to giving. He doesn't say, "Only give to someone if you are sure they are not lying to you and if they can produce proof of genuine need" or "Never give cash to someone because they will just buy booze with it" or "Just send them to a social service agency, that's what they are there for, anyway". Jesus is pretty radical when it comes to ideas about giving...actually, when it comes to pretty much everything.

Jesus doesn't talk about being nice. He talks about treating people differently than our instincts tell us: doing what seems unnatural, loving when we don't feel like it, giving when we would rather withold, taking people at face value, etc. Jesus says a little bit about that kind of stuff here:

"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
~Luke 6:27-31

I have read many commentaries about this passage and others like it. I've heard sermons about it, too. Most of the time, people want to water down what Jesus says. "He didn't mean it literally", they say. I think that is the easy way out. Maybe Jesus meant what He said, just the way He said it.

Whenever someone asks me for something, I hear His words echoing through my mind: "Give to everyone who asks you". I heard that tonight, when the man, with his wife and child standing in the cold, needed $18 more for a part for their broken car. I listened to the details of his story and asked some questions. He seemed genuine. Finally, I decided that I would give him the money. Now, I could have gone to the store and actually paid the money to the clerk, which would have been wisest. But it was cold and I was running late, and I figured I would step out on a limb and trust the man. He very well may have lied to me. If he lied, well, I guess that is between him and the Lord, the One to whom we all must give account some day.

As for me, when I stand before Jesus, I don't think He will be disappointed if I was too gullible and someone took advantage of me. I do think, however, that He would be upset if I had turned away one of His children in need.

I know that we all have to be discerning--to be good stewards of all that God has entrusted to us. That means we have to make responsible choices with our resources. In life, however, there are many times when you cannot be certain which choice is right. At such times, I would rather err on the side of grace, compassion, and love...and if I get scammed every once in a while, well, I guess that is ok.

Christmas Fun

2007-12-14T20:25:00.000-05:00

This is just a fun Christmas-time activity. Because I am verbose beyond description, I cannot simply answer the questions with one or two words. Sorry!!!

I'd love to hear your responses to the questions. Copy and paste this into the comments section and add your own answers. Or, email me (you can look in the "About me" section on the left-hand side of the webpage, and click on "view my complete profile"; there is is link to my email on my profile page).

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags: I'd have to say gift bags, though I feel guilty about that, since this holiday season, Americans will produce 44 million tons of waste, a 25 percent increase over the rest of the year. I've heard of people using the comic pages of the newspaper as wrapping. I like that idea!

2. Real or Artificial tree? Artificial...because you can put it up any time, keep it up as long as you want, and not worry about starting your house on fire.

3. When do you put up the tree? The day after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? Not until Epiphany on Jan. 6th...since that is when Christmas officially ends.

5. Do you like Eggnog? It tastes like toes.

6. Favorite Gift you received as a child? Books...the consistently great joy of my life.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? several...but the wise men are still on their way and not part of the "scene" yet.

8. Hardest person to buy for? my dad...he has everything...

9. Easiest person to buy for? my nieces, because there are so many cute things for girls

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? Cash, from a boyfriend in college...seriously...it was a nice amount of cash ($75), but he gave it because he couldn't think of anything to get me. That was the beginning of the end.

11. Christmas Cards: Snail mail or E-mail? I like Christmas cards and all, but whenever I get them, I feel guilty for not sending them...and I really don't have time to send them. So, they are a bitter-sweet experience!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie/Show? I love them all, especially the sappy, Christmas romance movies on Lifetime and Halmark. "Charlie Brown Christmas" is my eternal Christmas favorite!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A little bit here and there from about October on...still somehow, no matter how much I plan, I end up at a store the week of Christmas to get a last minute gift...which I HATE...especially Easton, for anyone who lives in Columbus. You have to drive around the parking lots there for half an hour before you can even find a place to park...not an efficient use of my time and it makes me want to murder people! Things that lead to homicidal tendencies are not good, generally speaking.

14. Have you ever 'recycled' a Christmas present? Not really...but then again, I have a bunch of things (former gifts) that I never use, stored in my basement. I should probably start re-gifting.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? sugar cookies...with icing and sprinkles...shaped like Christmas things. LOVE THEM!

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? I like both...but this year have colored lights on my tree. It feels more festive...but not as polished looking.

17. Favorite Christmas Song? "We Three Kings" (the words to the verses are fabulous!!!)

18. Travel at Christmas or Stay Home? As long as I am with the people I love, either is fine.

19. Can you name Santa's Reindeer? yes, only because I learned "Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer" as a young child.

20. Do you have an Angel or a Star on top of your tree? An angel...which seems more holy to me than a star...it isn't more holy, that is just my perception. Besides, the angel on the top of my tree most likely looks NOTHING like the angels of the Bible, which were probably very scary-looking beings.

21. Open the Presents Christmas Eve or Morning? We always opened Christmas presents on Christmas even with my mom's side of the family and on Christmas day with my dad's. Now, being a pastor, Christmas Eve is a pretty crazy day, so the last thing I am thinking about is opening presents.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Traffic, crowded malls, hearing modern versions of "The 12 Days of Christmas" played every ten minutes on every radio station in the universe.

23. Shopping: Online...the parking at the malls seriously makes me crazy!

24. Do you decorate outside for Christmas or just inside(or at all?) Does a wreath on the door count as decorating outside?

25. Favorite Christmas cookie? Never met a Christmas cookie that I didn't like...but, the buckeye (a chocolate, peanut butter confection shaped like, well, a buckeye) ranks up there...guess that isn't really a "cookie"...

26. Do you own Christmassy clothing or jewelry? I bought my first "Christmas" sweater this year and wore it to every church-related Christmas event that we had. I half expected someone to ask me to start teaching 3rd grade when they saw that sweater, but I have yet to receive that job offer...

27. Do you believe in Santa? I believe there was a St. Nicholas. I believe that there are santas at the mall. But one person, living at the north pole, delivering presents to all the good children of the world...not so much.

28. Favorite Christmas tradition? Attending a late night, Christmas Eve candlelight service. I love singing "Silent Night" while everyone holds candles.

29. Favorite Christmas memory? There are many, but I loved spending time with my grandparents (who are all passed away) at Christmas. I remember my Grandma Ehrnschwender's (that's really her name) steak and potato pancake Christmas Eve dinners. I also remember waiting for my Grandpa Dietsch on Christmas morning. He always had to shave and do his morning routine on Christmas morning, while we waited to open presents. I swear it took him 45 minutes to shave. It was almost unbearable!

30. Embarrassing, Chaotic, or unexpected Christmas moment? When I was a senior in high school, I was the "head angel" on Christmas Eve. At the late night Christmas Eve candlelight service, the high school girls would dress as angels and pantomime the lyrics to "Silent Night" in front of the altar. It sounds cheesy, but it was really very beautiful...and something that the younger girls dreamed of being old enough to take part in. All the angels faced the altar, with their backs to the congregation. The "head angel" was in the very front, right at the alter, with everyone watching and following her lead. At one point of the song, we had to get down on our knees. When I,as head angel, went to stand back up, I stepped on the hem of my long white robe, tripped, and fell head first into, and onto, the altar. I pushed myself off the altar, got back into place, and finished the song...horrified and embarrassed. The choir, who had a front row perspective of my "fall", were the first to make comment after the service (but not the last). This began a series of jokes that continued for years, referring to me the "fallen angel". At first, I cringed when people said it. It became funny after a while (like, maybe, by the next Christmas!!!)

It's not your birthday...

2007-12-12T23:15:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine (who is a youth pastor) is challenging her youth to have a "slim Christmas". She encouraged them to ask their parents for LESS presents this year, with the idea that the parents would then give that money which would have been spent on presents to a mission project for the Sudan (which I will discuss in more detail below). Can you imagine American teenagers saying, "I don't want more stuff. I have enough ipods and cell phones. Christmas isn't about me. It's about Jesus. And I want Jesus to be known in this world. What I want for Christmas is to make a difference for Jesus Christ." The amazing thing is, the kids are on fire over this, wanting to bring about the Kingdom of God here on earth.

Their youth group is also selling t-shirts, with all the proceeds going to the Sudan project. On the front, the shirts say: "It's not about me". On the back: "Living simply so that others might simply live". I've had this mental picture all day of a typical American Christmas list placed next to the list of a Sudanese child. I grew up as an American child. I know what it is like to make a Christmas list: stuff, stuff, stuff, and more stuff. Imagine the African child's list: food, clean water, shelter, safety. That really put things in perspective for me.

My youth pastor friend got this idea from a church in Tipp City, Oh called Ginghamsburg United Methodist Church. The pastor, Mike Slaughter, first challenged his congregation about 5 years ago (I believe) with the idea that Christmas is Jesus' birthday, not yours. His idea was that we can celebrate our own birthdays, but for Christ's birthday, maybe we should celebrate in ways that are more fitting His mission and purpose. Slaughter proposed that people in his congregation spend half as much on Christmas as they normally would and give the other half to mission. The specific mission that their church has embraced is in the Sudan (Darfur), which the U.N. has identified as the worst humanitarian crisis in the world today.

From the Ginghamsburg website: "In Darfur, Sudan, 300,000 people have died over the past three years as a result of civil unrest, lack of food and disease. Two million children, women and men are refugees, with little food, drinkable water, protection or hope."
Check out more at their site: http://ginghamsburg.org/sudan/

It is a challenging message and witness for all of us. What does it really mean to be a follower of Jesus? What effect does/should our commitment to Christ have on how we live and how we give? And what does it really mean to celebrate Christmas? What kind of Christmas celebration is most pleasing to God?

Three answers from Scripture come to mind:
1) "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

2) "He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

3) "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. "Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' " Matthew 25:31-40

Let us remember Christ and the meaning of His birth, and let us live every part of our lives in a way that brings Him the most glory.

2007-12-12T23:15:00.001-05:00

This is a video from Ginghamsburg Church. It is a 2006 update on the Sudan project. Very inspiring!

Manger Throne

2007-12-12T01:36:00.001-05:00

At Bible study tonight, we talked about our hearts as a throne for God. That conversation brought this song to mind, though I have never heard this particular version before. It is by a group called Third Day, which I personally LOVE...but the lead singer, Mac Powell, has unique voice. It may not be everyone's taste, but the words are beautiful. Check it out!

MANGER THRONE
What kind of King would leave His throne
In Heaven to make this earth His home?
While men seek fame and great renown
In loneliness our King comes down

Jesus, Jesus, precious One
How we thank You that You've come
Jesus, Jesus, precious One
A manger throne for God’s own Son

You left the sound of angels' praise
To come for men with unkind ways
And by this Baby's helplessness
The power of nations is laid to rest

What kind of King would come so small
From glory to a humble stall?
That dirty manger is my heart, too
I'll make it a royal throne for You

My heart is a throne
My heart is a throne for God's own Son

Being an innkeeper

2007-12-11T18:11:00.000-05:00

For Advent this year, a group of people from my church have been reading a book called "Christmas From the Backside" by J. Ellsworth Kalas. Kalas was my preaching professor in seminary...an extraordinarily gifted preacher and man of deep faith and passionate commitment to Christ.

We used to laugh in seminary, as he would critique our sermons. He would chose a part of your sermon and say something like, "I like what you did there, but you could also do something like this..." And off he would go, preaching a new sermon--a phoenix rising from the ashes of your old sermon. His impromptu sermons were some of the most beautiful I've ever heard, leaving us breathless and often in tears. It is rare that I have been in the presence of such greatness, but once you've experienced it, you never forget.

Kalas has a collection of books whose titles include the phrase "from the backside": parables from the backside, new testament stories from the backside, old testament stories from the backside, on and on, etc. He likes to take familiar stories and look at them from a new perspective (i.e. "the backside"). One thing I remember most from his class was a concept he often repeated. The idea was that we, as preachers, need to find something unique to say in each sermon. Not something no one in the history of the world had ever thought of before, it just had to be new to us...an "aha moment". That's probably not a bad principle for any public speaker...or really anyone who speaks, ever: Before you talk, make sure you have something to say! In a world of too many words, we were inspired to actually speak with meaning, hope, excitement...speaking as if God is really alive and active and doing someting in the world and in our lives. I try to do that in sermons, to feel like I have something--at least one thing--that needs to be said because of its depth and originality. Some Sundays are better than others, but that is the nature of life, I think!

In reading this book during Advent, there are several things Kalas has brought to light for me, making me think about the Christmas Story in a new way. In one chapter, he discusses the innkeeper (the one who had no room for Mary and Joseph in his establishment that first Christmas Eve). I really liked what Kalas had to say and appreciate what is has meant to me this season, as my heart prepares more room for Christ.

From Christmas From the Backside by J. Ellsworth Kalas (Abingdon Press: Nashville, 2003, pp. 42-43)
"I understand the innkeeper. I've learned that so many of us shut God out of our lives, not necessarily because we're hostile to him, but simply because we are 'filled up' with other things. Indeed, that's the tragedy of most of our lives, especially since so much of what fills our lives is trivia. So often persons who have passed through a crucial illness say that at the edge of death, they got a new understanding of what is worth living for. Everything seems to conspire to fill our days with life's transients--and then, when Eternity knocks at the door, seeking a place, we have to report that our rooms are full. You and I are often like the innkeeper: We shut Christ out, not because we hate Him, but because we are preoccupied. In fact, I ponder a quite uneasy thought. The innkeeper never knew, I'm quite sure, that he had just shut out the very Christ; he was simply filled up. And this is just the way some of us go through life--not knowing that Christ has sought admission. We get so occupied with other matters that we don't even recognize the divine inquiry.
And so Christmas comes even to those who aren't seeking it, who don't even particularly want it. It comes to hotels that are filled, to lives that are crowded, to people who are preoccupied. And always, it comes saying, 'I love you. May I come in?'...(several paragraphs omitted) and then, of course, the question comes, just as it did twenty centuries ago: Will we make room for Him?"

Elf Yourself

2007-12-09T23:49:00.000-05:00

Since posting earlier today, I have learned there are more things one can do besides Scrooge-ing themselves. Apparently, we can also "elf" ourselves.

In the spirit of love, laughter, and celebration, I offer the following link of my own elfing. Hopefully, I will never run for president and come to regret this moment.

Check it out for yourself: Tina's elfing

Dancing Scrooge

2007-12-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

I am not really a Scroogey kind of person, but my dad sent me a Scrooge-related link that brightened my day...and I thought I would share...but first, some background...

Apparently, Office Max has developed a way for people to "Scrooge" themselves. Under the "Scrooge Yourself" description, it says: "The holdiays are here and there's entirely too much cheer floating around. Do your part and add a touch of frost to the air this season. Upload a picture of your face, then send your crotchety curmudgeon to a friend". Then you click on a link that says, "Let the Humbug Begin".

Before you think, "How awful to promote grumpiness at Christmas!", you need to click on this link and watch my dad all scrooged-up and dancing around. At the end of the dance, you can make yourself, or someone you love, into a scrooge. I promise it will bring much more cheer than humgug!!!

p.s. Bucher, if you scrooge yourself, send me the link...because that would ROCK!!!

"We Are The Reason" by Avalon

2007-12-07T01:55:00.001-05:00

I thought I'd share another video of a song that I love. It's been a while since I've heard this and I'd almost forgotten about it. There are a couple pictures in this video that seem odd, or at least oddly placed, but maybe it's just me. There are also some of the most remarkable pictures I've seen in a long time in here. I especially love the very last one. I have never seen that picture in reality, only in drawings. Check it out to see what I am talking about!

There is one line from this song that really sticks out to me:

"I've finally found the reason for living. It's in giving every part of my heart to Him."

Nothing sums it up better than that!

I pray that today finds you giving even more of your heart to Him!!!

The Tale of Three Trees

2007-12-06T00:48:00.000-05:00

We had a Christmas party for our church women's group tonight. I was in charge of the "program". The program is meant to be short, sweet, and meaningful...and Christmasy in nature.

So, we took a Christmas quiz, read the Christmas story, sang some Christmas carols, and then I shared a story that has become meaningful to me. I'm not sure why this particular story impacts me so deeply. As I read through the story again this afternoon, in preparation for tonight, I was suddenly teary-eyed. I guess it makes me ponder the precious and lasting parts of life. That is an important reminder, because I am easily distracted by lesser things. I remember a line from St. Augustine's Confessions, where he discusses his life before loving Jesus. He says of his pre-Jesus life (and probably true during certain seasons of his life after Jesus): "I fell in love with beauty of a lower order". We miss Truth and Perfection because we are often focused on lesser things...still beautiful things, but not the most beautiful. We each have hopes and dreams about good and enduring things, but nothing compares with the beauty of Christ Himself. Nothing compares with the beauty of the dreams God has for us.

The story I read tonight speaks about expectations and dreams...the hopes we have for who we will become and what life will be like. Sometimes, many times, things don't work out the way we originally pictured. In those moments, it would be easy to think that God does not care about our wants and dreams. The truth is that God has bigger and better dreams in store for us than anything we can imagine.

Christmas is a wonderful picture of how God works in ways that defy imagination. I would expect God to come to earth with chariots and trumpets, making a lot of noise and fuss, with some profound scene of regal importance. Yet, when God wants to show us what divinity is all about, He comes to earth as a baby...weak, helpless, needy, messy. God's plan is so different than what I imagined. Somehow, in the end, God's idea is better.

Here is God's idea:

Colossians 1:19-20 "For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him (Jesus), and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross."

I need to be reminded, over and over and over again, that God really knows what He is doing. I like to tell God how things should be, both in my life and in the world. Forgetting that, maybe, just maybe, God has had a plan all along...and that plan far exceeds the wildest hopes of this inconsistent dreamer.

The legend of these three trees...and, more importantly, the true and amazing story of God's entrance into our world...reminds me that God is up to something, always. We can trust our dreams into His hands, because God is the best dreamer of all.

The Tale of Three Trees--an anonymous folk tale

Once upon a mountain top, three little trees stood and dreamed of what they wanted to become when they grew up. The first little tree looked up at the stars and said: "I want to hold treasure. I want to be covered with gold and filled with precious stones. I'll be the most beautiful treasure chest in the world!"

The second little tree looked out at the small stream trickling by on its way to the ocean. "I want to be traveling mighty waters and carrying powerful kings. I'll be the strongest ship in the world!"

The third little tree looked down into the valley below where busy men and women worked in a busy town. "I don't want to leave the mountain top at all. I want to grow so tall that when people stop to look at me, they'll raise their eyes to heaven and think of God. I will be the tallest tree in the world.

"Years passed and the little trees grew tall. One day three woodcutters climbed the mountain. The first woodcutter looked at the first tree and said, "This tree is beautiful. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the first tree fell. "Now I shall be made into a beautiful chest, I shall hold wonderful treasure!" the first tree said.

The second woodcutter looked at the second tree and said, "This tree is strong. It is perfect for me." With a swoop of his shining ax, the second tree fell. "Now I shall sail mighty waters!" thought the second tree. "I shall be a strong ship for mighty kings!"

The third tree felt her heart sink when the last woodcutter looked her way. She stood straight and tall and pointed bravely to heaven. But the woodcutter never even looked up. "Any kind of tree will do for me." He muttered. With a swoop of his shining ax the third tree fell.

The first tree rejoiced when the woodcutter brought her to a carpenter's shop. But the carpenter fashioned the tree into a feed box for animals. The once beautiful tree was not covered with gold, nor with treasure. She was coated with sawdust and filled with hay for hungry farm animals.

The second tree smiled when the woodcutter took her to a shipyard, but no mighty ship was made that day. Instead, the once strong tree was hammered and sawed into a simple fishing boat. She was too small and too weak to sail to an ocean, or even a river. Instead she was taken to a little lake.

The third tree was confused when the woodcutter cut her into strong beams and left her in a lumberyard. "What happened?" The once tall tree wondered. "All I ever wanted was to stay on the mountain top and point to God...

"Many, many days and nights passed. The three trees nearly forgot their dreams. But one night, golden starlight poured over the first tree as a young woman placed her newborn baby in the feed box. "I wish I could make a cradle for him," her husband whispered. The mother squeezed his hand and smiled as the starlight shone on the smooth and the sturdy wood. "This manger is beautiful," she said. And suddenly the first tree knew he was holding the greatest Treasure in the world.

One evening a tired traveler and his friends crowded into the old fishing boat. The traveler fell asleep as the second tree quietly sailed out into the lake. Soon a thundering and thrashing storm arose. The little tree shuddered. She knew she did not have the strength to carry so many passengers safely through the wind and the rain. The tired man awakened. He stood up, stretched out his hand and said, "Peace." The storm stopped as quickly as it had begun. And suddenly the second tree knew he was carrying the King of heaven and earth.

One Friday morning, the third tree was startled when her beams were yanked from the forgotten woodpile. She flinched as she was carried through an angry jeering crowd. She shuddered when soldiers nailed a man's hands to her. She felt ugly and harsh and cruel. But on Sunday morning, when the sun rose and the earth trembled with joy beneath her, the third tree knew that God's love had changed everything. It had made the third tree strong. And every time people thought of the third tree, they would think of God. That was better than being the tallest tree in the world.

Immanuel (meaning "God with Us")

2007-12-05T04:02:00.001-05:00

This is one of my favorite Christmas songs. It is beautiful and true :-)

The lyrics:
A sign shall be given
A virgin will conceive
A human baby bearing
Undiminished deity
The glory of the nations
A light for all to see
That hope for all who will embrace
His warm reality

Immanuel
Our God is with us
And if God is with us
Who could stand against us
Our God is with us
Immanuel

For all those who live in the shadow of death
A glorious light has dawned
For all those who stumble in the darkness
Behold your light has come

Immanuel
Our God is with us
And if God is with us
Who could stand against us
Our God is with us
Immanuel

So what will be your answer?
Will you hear the call?
Of Him who did not spare His son
But gave him for us all
On earth there is no power
There is no depth or height
That could ever separate us
From the love of God in Christ

Immanuel
Our God is with us
And if God is with us
Who could stand against us
Our God is with us
Immanuel

Winter Wonderland

2007-12-05T03:23:00.000-05:00

Walking my dogs tonight, I was awed by the beauty of snow. It is the first time snow has fallen with any constancy this season. My dogs like to jump up and catch it on their tongues. So do I, if truth be told.

I love this time of year, when snow is still new and exciting. By February, snow becomes burdensome, gray, and depressing. But now, at the beginning of its winter reign, the snow is a gift. Something about snow makes life seem magical, as if anything can happen, at any time; the world is filled with expectation. While it is falling, everything seems bright, crisp, new, clean.

There is a section of trees not far from my front door. They are huge evergreens, all clumped together, with an antique light post directly in the middle. Tonight, surrounded by evergreens, standing in front of the misplaced light post while snow fell with unrelenting gentleness, I felt like I was transported into a Narnian land.

In C.S. Lewis's "Chronicles of Narnia" series, a light post is accidentally transplanted in the ground as Narnia is created. The light post becomes a landmark during the consecutive books, an oddity that stands out in the midst of the wintery forest. Narnia instantly captured my imagination as a young reader (it still does, as an older reader). Narnia is an enchanted land of surprises and wonders. It is a land of talking animals, most notably, Aslan...the Lion. Aslan is meant to be a Christ-figure.

Whenever I think about Narnia and about Aslan, there is one scene from the books that always comes to mind. It is a discussion about Aslan's nature--what He is really like.

(From: "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe")

"Is - is he a man?" asked Lucy.

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly.
"Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-Beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."

"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."

"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver, "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."

"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver. "Don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
-----

I love that line: "'Course he isn't safe. But he's good". What a perfect description of Jesus. Jesus is the Judge, the King, the Ruler, the One who "calls the shots"...but lest we become frightened that He is some despotic ruler, we remember that He is good.

That is a great reminder for this season of the year. Christmas is not just about a baby. It is about a baby who is King. He is so big and powerful that our minds can't contain Him, but He is so good that He takes on our weakness to show us His love.

I will close with lyrics to a song...a song about a King who became a baby...a King who is not safe, but is always good.

"Welcome to our World" by Chris Rice:

Tears are falling,
hearts are breaking
How we need to hear from God
You've been promised, we've been waiting
Welcome Holy Child
Welcome Holy Child

Hope that you don't mind our manger
How I wish we would have known
But long-awaited Holy Stranger
Make Yourself at home
Please make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence
Bid our hungry souls be filled
Word now breaking Heaven's silence
Welcome to our world
Welcome to our world

Fragile fingers sent to heal us
Tender brow prepared for thorns
Tiny heart whose blood will save us
Unto us is born
Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around You
Breathe our air and walk our sod
Rob our sin and make us holy
Perfect Son of God
Perfect Son of God
Welcome to our world

Atrophy

2007-12-05T01:26:00.000-05:00

Atrophy: any weakening or degeneration (especially through lack of use)

If something is really true (the "deep down in your bones" kind of truth) it applies to all aspects of life. I have come to believe in the process of atrophy as a universal truth. Unused muscles--of any type--will weaken, degenerate, cease to function. What is true of the body is true of the blog. Lack of attention to any area of life leads to a decrease in function. Ignore the blog, and the blog will cease to thrive.

As you may have noticed, I've been on hiatus. At first, it was intentional, to give me time for mission trips and other summer ministry demands. However, weeks have now turned to months (evidenced most clearly by the steadily falling snow outside). I've learned that if you take too much time away from anything, it is difficult to gain momentum again. The whole process of blogging and not blogging has made me wonder about the myriad responsibilites of life. With so many things demanding our time, how do you know which to put first?

I have long loved the quote: "The 'good' is the enemy of the 'best'". There are a million good things competing for our attention. Which are the BEST things, the most important things, the things worthy of our ultimate focus?

With blogging, for example, I contemplated giving up on the process. After all, I had gotten out of the habit and was sure that all two people that read my blog would move on to more profound reading materials in my absence. Amazingly, I have discovered that, perhaps, more than 2 people actually read my blog.

It is one thing when your mom tells you she misses what you have to say. This is the same woman who hung very sub-par craft projects on the refrigerator and considered them divinely inspired "art". Recently, though, I have actually heard from people I do not know--strangers wondering if I died or something. While it is flattering to know there are people that actually care what I have to say, it is not my main impetus for blogging again. Really, I just plain miss it. I miss writing. I miss the thinking about thinking that it takes to write.

The whole process has made me think about priorities. Maybe a way to choose priorites is asking the question: Is this something that I really want to live without?

At least for now, this is something I no longer want to live without. I can't speak for the future, when other important things that I want in my life may call me to reconsider previous commitments. But for now, I am back.

Customer Service Woes

2007-06-29T21:56:00.000-05:00

I am getting ready to leave on our youth mission trip to Kingston, TN this weekend. There are a lot of last minute details I am trying take care of before leaving. Tonight, I was checking my bank account online, making sure that bills had been paid and checking to see if a deposit had registered. To be honest, I have addiction issues with checking my bank account online. I check it probably twice a day, sometimes three times…just because I can.

Tonight, I noticed a charge from amazon.com for $5.95 that came out of my checking account. The thing is, I haven’t bought anything from amazon.com in a few weeks—but admittedly, I am a frequent amazon shopper. I went and checked my amazon.com account to see what that charge was from, and there was nothing in my account information that explained the charge. My computerized bank statement actually had a contact number that went with the charge, so I decided to call. Apparently, I am so desperate for $6 that I am willing to spend my Friday night on the phone with a customer service representative. Really, though, I was just worried that other unauthorized charges might start popping up on my checking account and I wanted to make sure that didn’t happen.

So, I call. The person who answers the phone is from India…seriously. She can barely pronounce the questions that her script tells her to ask. I am pretty good at understanding people with accents, but not tonight. I kept saying, “Could you say that again?” I felt like such a jerk! She seemed like a nice lady and was trying really hard, but the whole interaction was frustrating. It took 3 minutes just to clarify the spelling of my last name (granted, my last name is not that user friendly, but still…). Then she put me on hold for 12 minutes to “research the situation further”…yes, I sat on the phone, holding for an obscene amount of time, just for my $6. When you make 20 cents an hour, $6 is a big deal! Seriously, though, my real question was: why am I being charged for things that I did not purchase or authorize?

After being on hold forever, she came back and asked for more information…like my blood type, my favorite movie, and my deepest fears and desires…actually, the questions were somewhat more closely related to the topic at hand, but it felt like the conversation was headed in a completely unrelated direction. Seriously, how much information do you need to find out why I am paying $6 for nothing?

At the end of all this, she tells me that I will get an email in the next 1-2 business days from someone who has researched this further. I ask: “So, this email will tell me why that money was taken out of my account and assure me that it won’t happen again?” She simply repeats: “You will get an email in the next 1-2 business days from someone who has researched this further”. Then she added, “ok?” I think she said “ok” about 567.2 times during our 24 minute (and 20 second) conversation. That’s right. I was on the phone close to a half an hour over $6. I promise it was the principle of the thing that kept me going. And yet, after all that time, I know nothing more than I did before. Such is the state of customer service in the year 2007.

Christian Beauty Tips

2007-06-28T23:43:00.000-05:00

I was surfing the Reynoldsburg Emmaus website tonight and read their latest newsletter. In that newletter was the following article, which I thought was cute...so here it is...

REAL BEAUTY - submitted by Kimberley Scott
We live in a beauty-obsessed culture, where we long for perfection--doing whatever we must do, buying whatever we must buy and spending whatever must be spent--to find perfection in this less-than-beautiful, imperfect world.

As important as physical beauty is, so much more so to God is our inward heart beauty. To be truly chic and glamorous, consider the following Christian "Beauty Tips":
1) For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
2) For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others.
3) To improve your ears, listen to the Word of God.
4) Rather than focusing on the thorns of life, stop to smell the roses and count your blessings, giving thanks for each one of them.
5) To strengthen your arms, hug someone and touch them with your love.
6) To strengthen your heart, forgive yourself and others.
7) Wondering what to wear? For the ultimate in business, casual or evening attire, put on the robe of Christ--it fits like a glove, but allows plenty of room for growth. Best of all, it never goes out of style and is appropriate for any occasion!

Dogs, treats, and the grace of God...

2007-06-28T11:32:00.000-05:00

As I type this, I am sitting in an oversized chair with two dogs curled up on the top of the chair. It is like having a giant, fury headrest. I mention this because I am going to talk about my dogs…again.

We went out for a walk this morning: Ariel, Pepper, and I. Our usual routine is to go for a walk, come back in and take off the leashes, and then get a “treat”. The dogs usually stalk me until they get their treat. They act as if they’ve been stranded on a desert island without any food for days. This morning, as I went into the kitchen to get the treats, only Pepper followed me. I called to Ariel and she didn’t come, which was odd, especially since food was involved. I walked into the living room and found her sitting on the couch (the WHITE couch, mind you), looking as cute as ever. I threw the treat toward her and it landed on the floor, a couple feet in front of the couch. Ariel just sat on the couch, looking at the treat. I thought it was odd, but figured that she was just being independent. So, I ran upstairs to collect laundry and once I finished with that, Ariel was still on the couch. I realized something must be wrong, because normally she and Pepper both follow me around like I am a world-famous movie star and they are the paparazzi (it makes me think I am way more important than I actually am!).

I went over to Ariel on the couch and started touching her to see if she had any sore spots. I lifted her little bottom up from her sitting position and realized the problem. DISCLAIMER: something disgusting is about to be said!!! Turns out, it was a poop issue…a little stuck and dangling (did I mention that I have a white couch?!). So, being a good dog-mom, I went to get some toilet paper and we did a little “procedure” to free Ariel from her discomfort. She instantly ran to get her treat and commenced with stalking me all over the house.

I felt pretty bad that I made her sit there for about ten minutes before even checking to see if she was ok. She did a number of strange things, all of which should have alerted me that something wasn’t right. It made me think about God and how He takes care of us in a very different way than we take care of things. He knows instantly what the problem is; He knows even before we do. He doesn’t leave us to sit in our own poop, proverbially speaking. God rushes to our aid, to do for us what we are unable to do for ourselves. That means a lot to me and is a great reassurance, especially during the poopy seasons of life.

It also makes me think of a song, of which I only know a few lines (and am not even sure who wrote it). But I offer it to you today as a message of comfort and hope:

He didn't bring us this far just to leave us.

He didn't teach us to swim to let us drown.
He didn't build His home in us just to move away.
He didn't pick us up to let us down.

Nerdishness

2007-06-26T21:36:00.000-05:00

It has been a while, blogophiles. I apologize. Things will be hit and miss this summer, but I will be a little more regular and definitely back in full swing by the fall. For today, I offer you the results of my "nerd test"...not that I needed a test to prove the implicit nerdiness of my being, but it isn't quite as bad as I suspected.

Being Knit

2007-05-24T22:34:00.000-05:00

I came across an article entitled, "I was born in the wrong body" on an internet news site last week. I didn't read the article, but I think it was about people who are born, biologically, as one gender but feel, psychologically, that they are the other gender. My first response to that title was: "Well, who doesn't think that to some degree?" I mean, I have thought for a long time that I was, in fact, born in the wrong body. The body I was meant to have looked a lot more like Angelina Jolie's body than mine. I've thought about a lawsuit, trying to get my body back, but am doubtful that I would win.

I'm not trying to diminish the deep, internal pain that people with gender issues face. I'm just thinking that we all, to some degree, feel out of place in our bodies. Eating disorders are rampant in our culture. The cosmetics industry is a multi-billion dollar industry. Plastic surgery, hair implants, weight loss products and paraphernalia are all hallmarks of our intense dissatisfaction with our physical bodies.

The Bible refers to our mortal bodies as "tents"...giving the impression that this flesh is temporary, at least in the grand scheme of things. There is also mention of us having "resurrection bodies", which is an idea that brings me a particular joy. That doesn't mean our earthly bodies are of no value or that we shouldn't care for them as if they were a gift from God (which, in fact, they are). It's just good to keep in mind the temporary nature of this world. Meaning, even though I don't look like Angelina Jolie now (because, as I mentioned earlier, she stole my body in a top-secret sting operation), someday I will...

I wonder if our dissatisfaction with who we are as people is upsetting to God. He made us all extraordinary, different and beautiful in our own ways. Yet, we spend our lives trying to change who we are, deeply dissatisfied with God's creative genius in our unique situations and bodies.

God’s unique creative process has become a lot clearer to me as I've been learning how to knit in the past few months. Some of the ladies from church formed a group called the "Knit Wits", for knitters in all stages of expertise. I thought I'd give it a try and gracefully bow out if I knitted like a chicken (not sure how chickens knit, but probably better than me). I'm not the world's greatest knitter, but I am starting to get it. There are only two different stitches in knitting: the knit and the purl. Sounds pretty easy. It's not. That's what they told me to get me to start: "Oh Tina, there are only two stitches. You'll pick it up in no time at all". Well, there's a lot more to knitting than that, but I won't bore you. I am amazed at the myriad creations which are possible from the combination of some yarn, two needles, and two basic stitches (note to my family: prepare yourselves for a lifetime of knitted Christmas and birthday gifts!).

My knitting is still very flawed. I make mistakes and then have to backtrack just to figure out what I did...sometimes taking out several rows worth of work in the process. But a master knitter, she can look at what you did and tell you in an instant where it went wrong. Using the same two stitches, a master knitter can create works of beauty that I can't even imagine creating...even if I practiced for years.

And all this, of course, makes me think about God...who could be called the Master knitter of all master knitters. Psalm 139:13 says of God's creating us: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."

This makes me think a lot of things, but primarily that God intentionally and uniquely created each one of us. We are distinct, purposed creations. We are each meant to be here, as we are, looking how we do, being who we are, residing in the bodies in which we currently reside...God planned it all from the beginning. You don't accidentally knit something. It is intentional. It takes purpose and planning. We are not here by accident, or mistake. We are here because God chose to knit us into existence. I picture these big cosmic hands knitting me into being...and that makes me smile.

Another thing about knitting: it is very intimate. Both of your hands are involved. You have to hold the yarn and the needles close to your arms, your chest, your eyes. The more complex the pattern, the more detailed attention you have to give to your creation. What is more complex than a human being? I picture this knitting God focusing His whole attention on our creation, delighting in each completed "row" until the creation grows to its fullness. Then He must sit back proudly and say, "I made that. That's good stuff."

I felt pride at my first creation: a blue wash cloth that my mother received as a Mother's Day present. She appropriately gushed over my creation, the way only a mother could. I was amazed that I actually made something. It was so hard just to figure out what I was doing—taking hours and hours of practice before I could even begin to make something. But there I was, an imperfect creator making an imperfect creation--and still somehow, thinking it was wonderful. Imagine God, the Perfect Creator, making us...incapable of making anything but a perfect creation.

So, if you ever feel like you were born in the wrong body--or dislike the particular way you were created--remember that you were knit together by God Himself...and He thinks what you are is good…amazing, even. Who are we to debate God’s opinion of us?

Ten Things I Think, Part Deux

2007-05-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

Here are the rest of 10 things I think:

6) Boring Sermons
Even the best preacher has a "bad" Sunday once in a while. Maybe 'bad' isn't the best word choice. It's just that every sermon cannot be exceptional--that would defeat the purpose of exceptional, really. Sunday was such a Sunday for me. Sometimes you know it is going to be a weak sermon going into it: you don't really connect well with the Biblical text, you feel uninspired, you had a difficult week, you can't find the "so what?" factor (which is the part of the sermon that answers the question, "so what does this mean for me and my life?", which is the ultimate question people are asking), etc. There are a lot of reasons why every sermon is not a stellar sermon. Most times, you know it going in...but sometimes, like Sunday, you figure it out mid-sermon.

Any person who is a regular public speaker learns how to "read" an audience. You can tell when people are "with you", when their eyes are totally fixed on yours and it seems that everyone is waiting expectantly for the next word to come out of your mouth. You can also tell when people are doodling, thinking about their shopping lists, or staring at their watches. On those days, you sometimes want to stop, right in the middle, and say: "Would you like me to just stop now and we can all get to Bob Evan's a little bit sooner?"

I felt that "bad sermon" vibe this Sunday. Half the people were with me, but half the people looked fidgety and ready to go...almost before I started. There was one bright spot in the midst of the sermon, our sweet keyboardist, Marla. Every time I looked over at her, she smiled at me, nodded and looked like she was paying attention. On a bad sermon day, you need someone like that to cheer you on...and remind you that maybe someone is actually getting something out of the sermon.

The funny thing is, as I stood at the door after service (to shake hands and kiss babies) one man said to me: "Do you have a telescope straight into my soul?" I said, "Why yes, I do". And we laughed, but apparently, something in the sermon--which felt endless to me--spoke to him. The lesson I learned from this: maybe I am not the most objective critic of my own sermons!

Along those lines, I was in the church library this week with our librarian, Jane, and her husband, Tom. They were going through some books that were donated from another area church. Amidst the boxes of books was a book entitled, "Things to do during a dull sermon". We all laughed and laughed about that, and Tom put it in our stewardship chair's mailbox, since he seems like the kind of guy who would really get a kick out of that. I have a feeling that I will be seeing that book again and again. There must be a lot of dull sermons in order for a book like that to be written...and we have all, unfortunately, experienced them or else it wouldn't be so funny.

7) The Simpsons
I admit it, I am a Simpsons fan. I love the satire of it all. The show is intelligent and sarcastic and multi-faceted, plus most of the episodes are really funny. I realize it is a cartoon and that it is, at times, controversial. Multitudes of others must share my Simpsons affinity, because the show now has 400 episodes to its credit and is going on its 19th season in 2007-2008. One of the great woes of my life concerns the Simpsons movie which is coming out this summer, at the end of July, when I will be in Russia on a mission trip. I am hoping that Moscow might have a special Simpsons premier at the Kremlin or something (pretty positive that isn't an option).

The Simpsons were a big deal when I was in seminary. Every Sunday night was Simpsons night at our house. One time, for the Simpsons season premier, we had a huge party and were going to rent a big screen TV (but it was too expensive for our jobless budgets)...so we hooked up several TVs and turned them all to the same channel, while multitudes crowded into our small living room. It was like watching TV at Best Buy, but it is a beautiful and unfading memory. We even had a Simpsons-marathon sleepover one time, since one of my friends had taped virtually every episode of the Simpsons (this was before every season of every show was instantly released as a set on DVD). Most Seminary conversations contained some Simpsons quote or reference. It was like the Simpsons also attended Asbury Theological Seminary. So now, when I watch the Simpsons, it reminds of community, shared memories, and the closest relationships of my life. It is amazing how a group of little yellow cartoons reminds me of God's greatest blessings to me, but it does...and I love it!

8) Listening
People tell me all the time that I am a really good listener, which makes me laugh. I am very aware of the times I interrupt someone, simply because I want to say something. I am aware of the times my mind starts to wander when someone says things that aren't interesting or exciting. I am aware of times when I don't ask follow-up questions about something that someone obviously wants to talk about. I am not a "great listener".

In reality, I am an average listener. The sad truth: most people are such bad listeners that my average listening skills appear exceptional. People don't listen well. They don't ask questions, they interrupt, they talk about themselves more than anything else, they don't watch for nonverbal cues that communicate more deeply than words, and they don't remember details of things people have shared. I will ask people, all the time, about things they tell me...and they say, "I'm so impressed that you remembered that". It is not hard to remember what people say if you are really paying attention. Most people are not really paying attention. So, when someone does remember things, it stands out. Most people would label themselves as good listeners, but it is kind of like driving. Pretty much everyone things they are a good driver, and yet look at all the accidents. We are not really honest with ourselves.

I have had so many encounters with people where they talk 90 percent of the time. I am not talking about professional counseling sessions, where it is my pastoral role to listen and ask questions. I am talking about normal interactions at meals and outings. One time, I was at a meal with someone who talked about themselves for an hour straight, literally. I really didn't mind, because I like learning about people and enjoy asking questions. The thing that struck me as odd was, after an hour, the person said to me, "All I have done is talk. Now I want to hear about you." And I said, "Well, what do you want to know?"...and within a minute, we were back to talking about her, for another hour. I wasn't bothered by the fact that she talked and I listened. I was bothered that she noticed what was going and then just continued to talk about herself--like it didn't really matter. Most people are unintentionally self-centered...but to intentionally be that way is not as acceptable to me.

Overall, I like listening to people. Listening is a way to show people that they matter and that you care about them. It is a simple way to put love into action. I find people fascinating. I like to hear stories. I like to understand where people are from and how they think. I like to ask questions. It saddens me that the majority of people don't seem to share my affinity for listening to others.

The times that non-listening bothers me most, really, is when I am in a group of people and someone is sharing something significant, and another person jumps in with some tangent that really has nothing to do with what is going on and is generally just about them. We are all so rude to one another. We talk a lot more than we listen. We interrupt, constantly. We talk over each other. We think our opinion is the most important opinion--and must be shared before someone else has the chance to speak. My latest prayer is: "God, when I talk too much, shut me up; teach me how to listen; give me a heart that really cares; make it my greatest desire to show You to others, instead of getting my own way, making my own point, or saying something really profound; Jesus, just get me out of the way until all people see is You".

9) Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
I like to watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition". It is nice to see a show that isn't sleazy. I have a little problem with the underlying premise that material things make up for horrible tragedy and pain. Yet, some of the conditions that people live in are just shocking. I'm not sure that flat screen tvs and computers in every room are necessary all the time...but safe, clean, pretty homes and financial help and college tuition...those things are good things. Most of all, people really need Jesus and the community of the church, but that wouldn't be a ratings hit for tv. To me, there should be no need for this show...the Church should step up and be the church. Every community that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition has gone to must have tons of churches within a mile of those homes. I remember hearing in seminary that there were only two counties in the entire USA that did not have at least one United Methodist Church. And that is just the United Methodists. Where are these churches and what are they doing? People are living in squalor and can't feed their families and what are we doing about it?

This past Sunday, the family receiving a home makeover was a single mom who, as a social worker, ended up adopting several kids with AIDS. She talked about the prejudice and hate that her family had experienced. In one scene, at a camp for children with AIDS, one girl (from another family) stood up and talked about getting kicked out of church on Easter Sunday by...get this...THE PASTOR. The pastor asked her and her family to leave, on Easter Sunday, because she had AIDS. This makes me livid! First, no one should EVER, EVER, EVER be asked to leave on a Sunday morning...even if they have leprosy. Jesus pretty much showed us how to treat all people, even people that are scary or may be contagious (which AIDS certainly isn't...not from sitting in the same room...and even if it were, Jesus didn't care about that kind of stuff and neither should His followers).

I have heard of ushers at churches telling people they weren't dressed correctly for church (seriously, not making it up) and have heard other ridiculous things said by people who go to church but obviously don't get Jesus AT ALL...but a PASTOR...a PASTOR...a pastor should know better...a pastor will be judged more harshly for something like that (check the Bible), probably because he/she is supposed to teach/show people what God is like...what a bad example. The girl and her mother still cried as she talked about not being able to go to church on Easter. I am sure that Jesus cried too. If I could find out who that pastor was, they would be hearing from me.

10) Dogs
A day would not be complete without a story about my dogs. I give my dogs these treats called "bully sticks". The lady that I got Pepper from introduced me to them. The dogs love them, they last a long time, and they never choke on them. They are a bit expensive, but if you buy them in bulk (from ebay, nonetheless!) you can get a pretty good deal. When I researched what a bully stick really is, it turns out they are sometimes tendons from bulls, but mostly bull penises (that's right, I said "penis" on my blog).

The whole thing disgusts me to no end, but the dogs are crazy about them. So, I try to make minimal contact with these things...and usually, both the dogs grab them out of my hand faster than the speed of light...and then run away from me like I am going to take the treat back or something. Every once in a while, Pepper kind of looks at the bully stick I am trying to hand her, like she is figuring out if I am giving her something good or bad. You can tell she wants it but she is a little apprehensive. Since I refuse to hold onto those gross, smelly things any longer than I have to, I just drop hers on the floor. The minute the bully stick hits the floor, she snatches it up and runs away, usually to bury it. Sometimes, Pepper forgets where she buried her treat and stares at Ariel eating her treat and then comes to me, whining and looking pitiful, until I go searching for her treat and find it for her. I love Pepper, but she is not the sharpest tool in the shed, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, this whole treat process makes me think about God and the good gifts He tries to give us. I have never once given Pepper a bad treat or something that would hurt her. Everything I give her is either a toy or a treat or some people food. Most times, she freely and eagerly takes what I give. But every once in a while, she looks perplexed, like I am trying to trick her. This frustrates me endlessly because I have never done anything but love and pamper her. And I wonder how many good and wonderful gifts God offers to me--is even offering to me right now--and I refuse because I am scared or because I doubt His goodness. How many times do I hide and hoard the gifts I have been given, "burying" them, scared that it may be the last gift, scared that God will forget about me from now on.

I know how much I love my dogs (it is pitiful, really) and I know that I would never hurt them, intentionally. I occasionally step on one of them because they insist on being within an inch of me at all times...and I feel horrible when it happens. But I am imperfect. God is perfect. He never steps on us, unintentionally or intentionally. He chooses to bless us and form us and lead us and change us...and sometimes refine us...but always with His best for us in mind. I wonder why we are so distrusting at times. Why do we expect God to be anything but overwhelmingly good to us?

10 things I think, Part One

2007-05-20T20:43:00.000-05:00

I have a friend named Bryan Bucher, who has a blog (http://www.bryansoffice.blogspot.com). His blog inspired me to start blogging, though he is much more committed to consistent blogging than I am. (What can I say? I am a work in progress). Bryan has a feature on his blog called "Ten Things I Think I Think". I am blatantly stealing his idea, but I am calling mine "Ten Things I Think" so as to not totally plagiarize and because I am pretty sure that I do, in fact, think these things. I've contemplated the "10 Things" idea before, but was never certain I actually thought about 10 things all at the same time--at least not 10 things anyone would want to read about...but I'm stepping out on a limb, thinking that my blogging silence has stirred up a longing in my faithful readers for any kind of entry, even one filled with ten random brain trails. Here's hoping I'm right!!!

1) My dependence on computers

My computer was broken recently, for almost a week. It was torture. I had no access to the internet, other than the occasional trip to the library or via my cell phone (where I can check email but can't send it without taking an hour to type one sentence). The amazing thing: I got a lot more accomplished. I cleaned my house (not completely, but more than I have in a while). My dogs and I took longer walks. I actually made some phone calls (those who know me well realize I am not much of a phone person...that passed with the pre-teen years). I read some of the gazillion books I own and some magazines that I subscribe to. It was a great week. But then the broken computer part came in, and I have yet again become a slave to my computer. It is amazing how much time I can waste looking things up on the internet, as if I need to know all the details about any subject I see on tv or hear in conversation. For instance, the movie "Erin Brockovich" was on TV recently and I caught the last few minutes of it. Suddenly, I needed to know more about this Erin Brockovich and what she was doing now. I watched a movie about Linda McCartney a couple of weeks ago...same thing...I needed to know more details. So off to the internet I went. I now know a lot of useless details about both women that really profit me nothing, but it was interesting.

Thinking about John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, I realize why he was such a prolific author, social activist, tireless preacher, etc. He didn't have a computer or internet or a tv. If I lived 100 years ago, I would be a lot more productive. But I guess I'm willing to trade a little productivity for electricity and indoor plumbing.

2) shaving??? what is that about?

We went to an indoor water park today with our church youth group. It was a long winter and this was my first official "summer" event...meaning it was time to shave the legs. Being in hibernation mode this winter, I'd really packed on the hair. In addition, my grandma used to tell me I looked like a "hairy Jewish man" if I went too long without shaving. She was always one to tell it like it is! Needless to say, this whole de-shedding process took a good 45-50 minutes...during which, I thought, "Whose idea was this shaving thing? Who decided that bare skin is better than furry skin? Why wasn't I born in Eastern Europe?". The internet probably has answers to some of these questions. Another thought I had was about shaving as an Olympic event. I mean, you have to be incredibly coordinated and able to stand on one leg for significant amounts of time without falling over. You have to contort your body into odd position and configurations just to reach all the hair that can be seen when wearing a bathing suit. I was so tired afterwards I wanted to take a nap, yet I felt like I had accomplished something significant...and that is why I am sharing it publically.

3) Why I will never be bishop, D.S., or in any official leadership role in the United Methodist Church...

Today, we had our District's "Spring Conference". This is a time for all the people attending annual conference--and any other interested parties--to gather together for worship, information, some business, and to get all the materials you need for annual conference. Due to our youth water park trip, I had a limited window of time this afternoon to attend the conference (let me point out that I had this water park trip planned before I knew the date for district conference). . If everything went according to plan, I could be at the conference for half an hour, at the most--and they never start on time, so I would have been there for 20 minutes of actual meeting. The only reason I was planning on attending for such a short time was to get my annual conference materials--a purely utilitarian purpose; I may not be a perfect person, but I am an honest one! With the shaving extravaganza that took place, I was running late. When all was said and done, I would have been at the conference for 15 minutes...and I would have been wearing sport pants, a t-shirt, and flip flops (which I'm sure the district superintendent would find very noteworthy). So, I decided not to go and called some of my wonderful lay people to have them pick up my coveted annual conference materials...and I just went straight to the water park, where people were already arriving half an hour before our designated meeting time. There were a lot of precipitating factors for my lateness and consequent absence from the district conference, but ultimately, I missed it because I was shaving. One of the many reasons I will never be bishop.

4) Kissing pigs...some things are more exciting in theory than in actuality

To raise money for Relay for Life, our church had a "kiss the pig" competition. Whoever had the most money donated to them would kiss a pig after church (today). This is not the first "kiss a pig" fundraiser that I have brainstormed. It is a sure sign that I grew up in the city and not the country--and a sign that I am obsessed with pigs. I asked a farmer today, after church, if he was going to stay and watch the pig kissing. He said, "I've kissed so many pigs in my life time, it's no big deal to me". An interesting sentiment.

Our Pastor Emeritus, Pastor Chuck, raised the most money...and for his efforts, he was forced to kiss a pig on the church lawn after service today. I was so excited about the pig kissing, and especially excited that, in this fundraiser, I was not the one kissing the pig (though I have done it before). There were a lot of people and I couldn't really see the "kiss" very well. The pig wasn't really into the whole thing and looked rather traumatized afterwards. I talked to the poor pig and said, "You know, in the grand scheme of your life, this is definitely not the worst thing that is going to happen to you". Poor gal...she's going to the fair in June. It's really sad, especially considering that I just watched the movie "Charlotte's Web" and apparently, there are happy endings available for pigs...at least in the movies. All in all, pig kissing seems to be more exciting in anticipation than in actuality. That's probably true of many things in life.

5) Water parks and Jesus

Being at the indoor water park all afternoon/evening, I got the chance to see a lot of little kids playing in water. The place we were at (Ft. Rapids, right here in Columbus) has this huge water container that periodically dumps tons (maybe not actual tons, but A LOT) of water--from about 50 feet up--onto the kids waiting eagerly below. When it is about to tip over, the kids (of all ages and sizes) come running. The funniest part was the screaming...childlike, excited, anticipatory screaming. As I watched the kids, I noticed that the screaming always occurred just before the water hit them, not when it actually hit them. Every time, without fail, the giggly screaming would occur just before the water hit. They were so excited. You couldn't help but smile.

One of the little boys from church, named Hamilton, was there with his mom and older siblings. I don't think he'd ever been to a place like that. His eyes were the size of pizzas as he looked at all the slides and things to do. When his mom agreed to go down one of the slides with Hamilton, he looked so giddy, it seemed he might explode. He bounced up and down with excitement...and that was his reaction to just about everything, the whole time.

All those kids, and especially Hamilton, made me think about Jesus and what he says about little children...how we are supposed to become like them in order to understand what Jesus is all about. I am sure Jesus meant a lot of things, on a lot of different levels, when He said that. But today makes me think that part of what Jesus meant has to do with excitement and expectancy...about facing life knowing that God is good and expecting that God will be good to you...free to love, laugh, dance, and play in the water...to look foolish and funny and wet and not care what anyone thinks...to jump up and down with joy and anticipation at what is coming next, around the bend...completely trusting that the One who holds the future knows what He is doing. Mostly, today made me want to laugh more and play more...and not take myself as seriously as I do sometimes...to learn how to live in lavish expectance of continuous grace.

Stay tuned for "Ten Things I Think, Part Deux"...where I will share thoughts 6-10…hopefully coming tomorrow to a blog near you!

3 Prayers

2007-05-05T21:57:00.000-05:00

I offer 3 prayers to bless your night:

A Prayer by Mother Teresa
Dear Jesus, Help me to spread Thy fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with Thy spirit and love. Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly that all my life may only be a radiance of Thine. Shine through me and be so in me that every soul I come in contact with may feel Thy presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me but only Jesus. Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as you shine, so to shine as to be a light to others.

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Another prayer by Mother Teresa

Lord, help us to see in your crucifixion and resurrection an example of how to endure and seemingly to die in the agony and conflict of daily life, so that we may live more fully and creatively. You accepted patiently and humbly the rebuffs of human life, as well as the tortures of your crucifixion and passion. Help us to accept the pains and conflicts that come to us each day as opportunities to grow as people and become more like you. Enable us to go through them patiently and bravely, trusting that you will support us. Make us realize that it is only by frequent deaths of ourselves and our self-centered desires that we can come to live more fully; for it is only by dying with you that we can rise with you.

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A prayer by Thomas A Kempis
Give us, O Lord, steadfast hearts that cannot be dragged down by false loves; give us courageous hearts that cannot be worn down by trouble; give us righteous hearts that cannot be sidetracked by unholy or unworthy goals. Give to us also, our Lord and God, understanding to know you, diligence to look for you, wisdom to recognize you, and a faithfulness that will bring us to see you face to face.

Facing Giants

2007-05-05T00:47:00.000-05:00

I attended the Women of Faith (www.womenoffaith.com) conference last weekend in downtown Columbus. It was a wonderfully refreshing time for me, as I seldom get to just sit back and be a recipient of great Biblical teaching. Each person that attends such a conference could probably choose one speaker who stood out the most to her…the one who spoke mostly deeply into her particular situation and soul. For me, that person was different than I expected. The speakers were announced ahead of time, as was their theme: amazing freedom. I didn’t expect Max Lucado to be the one who spoke to me most profoundly, but he was. (Though Max Lucado is not a “woman” of faith, he was—for some reason—a speaker at the all-female conference).

I have to confess, I am a bit of a Christian literature snob. I like to critique Christian books, because many of them seem so superficial to me. What they say is not bad, it just doesn’t go deep enough for my taste. (In reality, I’m probably not as deep as I imagine myself to be!) My need to look disdainfully down my nose at some of the Christian sub-culture’s writings is changing, especially after last weekend. You see, Max Lucado has not escaped my critiques in the past.

I have read many of Lucado’s books and, while they have a nice devotional feel, they don’t plunge the depths like C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer, and Francis Schaeffer (just to name a few of the great authors who brilliantly unravel and proclaim the mysteries of the Christian life and experience). I will publicly admit, however, that I once received a “Max Lucado Award” from the Women’s Chorale, during my freshman year at Wheaton College. This was precipitated by my frequent use of Max’s books as material for devotions before choir practice. Like I said earlier, I’ve always admired his work for its devotional appeal, but that is where my admiration stopped…until last weekend.

Max was the keynote speaker on Friday night of the conference. I was instantly struck by his warmth and authenticity. If I had to give the same talk/sermon over and over again, all across the country, I wouldn’t have appeared so gracious and kind! You can’t fake caring. Somehow, Max seemed genuinely concerned for the souls of each of the 20,000 women present that night. He smiled a lot, but didn’t come across as cheesy. I have seen so many smiley, plastic-like mass communicators who want to seem authentic, but the harder they try, the more of a caricature they become. That was not the case with Max. He meant what he said. I liked that about him. As he spoke, I thought, “That’s the kind of guy I would want as my pastor”. Somehow, all of his fame has not gone to his head; he has remained a faithful servant of Jesus. There are some Christian speakers I hear and think, “They say pretty words, but I wouldn’t want to share my darkest wounds and fears with them; in fact, I’d be scared to talk to them”. With Max Lucado, I felt he was someone I could go to coffee with and it would be like talking with an average, every-day, normal person who passionately loves Jesus. I liked that about him.

Max spoke about the “giants” in our lives. He has a book out called “Facing Your Giants”. The talk probably came from there. I like his stuff better as a sermon. You can tell God made Max to be a pastor. His pastor’s heart shined through the whole time. Maybe that’s why he was instantly trustable in my eyes…why his words got past the barriers I often place around my heart.

You see, I’ve been going through a season of giants, myself. Max’s words spoke straight into my situation. Now I get why people often say to me on a Sunday: “Did you give that sermon just for me?” There are some messages that seem tailor-made for our unique situations. So it was with the idea of giants.

Max talked about David and his battle with Goliath, the giant. David, apparently, picked up 5 stones from a stream as part of his arsenal against the giant (a detail mentioned in Scripture that I somehow passed over). I think Max made 5 points, one for each of the stones (very clever, I thought), but that is not what spoke to me. The idea of having 5 stones stuck with me. At some point, Max read Scripture concerning Goliath’s siblings. The Bible lists at least 4 brothers that Goliath had, but there may have been more (and what if Goliath was the runt of the family?). Max said David had no way of knowing it would end with Goliath. For all David knew, the minute he slew Goliath, 4 more giants could have come up over the mountain, looking to avenge their slain brother. David would have had the ammunition to face them, with his 5 stones. It made me think of all the times in life when you are facing something that feels insurmountable, and then even more overwhelming things happen on top of it. Somehow, just naming that reality helped me (the reality that we might have more than one giant in our lives; or the reality that, the minute we conquer one problem, several more may rise up in place of the slain one). It is nice to be reminded that other people have faced giants…and that they have won the battle! But more importantly, Max kept reiterating the idea of letting God fight your battles and standing firm in the Lord—that we can only slay the giants through God’s power, never through our own. I often try to do it all in my own strength—and always get pummeled by the giants. That reminds me of the title of a book by Ellsworth Kalas: “If Experience is Such a Good Teacher, Why Do I Keep Repeating the Course?”. You’d think I’d know better by now that I can “do all things through Christ who strengthens me”, not through my own efforts. But I forget!

So, blogging friends, in my giant-fighting absence from my blog in recent weeks, I pray that you have experienced more and more of God’s presence. May you find Him more than capable of handling anything that comes your way, even the giants that seem so big. They ARE big, but not from God’s vantage point. He has a different definition of what “big” is. I pray for me, and for you, for new eyes, to see God’s perspective on the situations of our lives. May we stand firm in God’s strength and find that He never fails us.

Trying to Earn God's Approval?

2007-04-25T21:09:00.000-05:00

I've received some comments on my lack of blogging, so I am here to offer my apologies and provide a new blog entry. For me, it is one of those seasons of life that I will just label as "blah". Certain situations and obstacles are weighing heavily upon me, leaving me somewhat voiceless. Not really knowing what to write about, I do want to post something. I promise something more creative and heartfelt soon. But for now, I offer an article I found interesting and thought-provoking.

TOO RICH TO ACCEPT GOD'S CHARITY
by Clint Heacock
taken from: http://www.theooze.com/articles/article.cfm?id=1511

I wonder if this is true. For me, I guess I’ve always felt that I brought something to the table in my relationship with God. After all, there are some things I can do pretty well—like Napoleon Dynamite, I’ve got some skills to offer…

Thinking about it, the relationships I have are based on some type of reciprocation. After all, who wants to be involved in a relationship with a person who always takes and takes and takes? We call those people “needy” and either avoid them entirely, or if somehow we do get trapped in a relationship with a needy person, we roll our eyes when their number comes up on the caller ID because we know they’ll babble for hours about all of their problems. And the worst thing about people like that is, no matter how much or what advice we give them—and they even ask for, and agree with it!—they don’t follow it. How annoying is that.

Those kinds of relationships are draining. I think that for most people, their hope is to enter into some kind of healthy relationship with other people, a relationship that is mutually beneficial and mutually expanding. As I’ve said, the kind of relationships that are somehow emotionally or physically deficient we term “dysfunctional,” and they generally are seen as unhealthy. Hopefully we can successfully avoid these.

As we progress through life, it seems to me that people develop a kind of “relationship meter” that helps them gauge how they’re doing in relationships. Some people seem to have a lot of good relationships, whereas others can’t seem to make or keep friends. If we find ourselves as one of those kinds of people that others seek out, we feel like we have something positive to offer others. On the other hand, if we’re one of the people who are somehow ill equipped socially, we may feel that we have little or nothing to offer.

But one thing I’m learning is that somehow when it comes to a relationship with God, his “relationship meter” doesn’t work the same way my human scale does. He doesn’t seem to care too much about what I have to offer, whether it’s a little or a whole lot. In fact I know that he doesn’t care at all about our outward appearance, but rather looks on the inside. The Bible makes that abundantly clear. Of course, we place a premium of value on appearance—but God doesn’t care about that at all.

I have been coming to the conclusion that I’m too rich to accept God’s charity. I’m not talking about money, I’m talking about the reality that what I bring to his table doesn’t count for much in terms of value. What about spiritual disciplines? I always figured that if I read my Bible and pray on a regular basis, I was racking up Brownie points with God—I was earning my way, bringing something to the relationship. “See, God, I am worth something! I can earn my keep in this thing! You don’t have to worry about me!” And if I kept up, I would feel good inside, having checked off the boxes for the day.

See, if I’m earning my way, I don’t really need him a whole lot: only when I encounter situations that are clearly out of my control. When that happens, deep down inside I hope he’ll come through for me; but if he doesn’t, I’ve got a backup plan or two in mind anyway. Actually if I’m honest, the backup plan was really Plan A, and God was Plan C or D. I figured that if he came through that’d be great, and that would save me the hassle of having to work it out myself. And, if he doesn’t come through for me, well, it’s just like a buddy who blows you off on the day you were moving. Sure, it makes things harder, but what the heck—so it takes a little longer and is harder. Oh well, who ever said life was supposed to be fair?

Looked at this way, God and I are buddies on some kind of semi-equal footing. For the most part, I try to keep my nose clean, stay out of trouble, so I don’t actually have to ask his forgiveness if I blow it. That would put me in a position of having to take from him yet again. On the plus side, by doing my spiritual disciplines regularly, I put a bunch of check marks in his plus category. So I’m in good shape there.

Lately, after coming to my conclusion, I’ve been saying this out loud to God before I pick up my Bible to read or study it: “God, I just want you to know that I am about to read my Bible. I’m not doing it to earn points. I know that you don’t love me any more if I read it, or any less if I don’t. I hope that I’m doing it because I actually want to learn about you, and this seems the best way to do it. OK? Are we good then?”

I’m not sure if it’s for him or me.

I think there’s some kind of connection with God’s grace in here somewhere. I just don’t want to be too rich to accept his charity.

Why such pain in the world?

2007-04-16T22:25:00.000-05:00

Tragedy occurred at Virginia Tech today, where 33 people died as the result of a mass shooting. If you have not yet heard about this, go to cnn.com or any news site; it is the front page story, everywhere. Certainly, we must be in vigilant prayer for the families who have lost loved ones, for those injured physically and psychologically, and for the entire shocked and hurting campus and community. For me, and others, this event begs the inevitable question: “Why?”

Whenever tragedy happens, that question surfaces in one form or another. Usually it is: “Why did God let this happen?” There are myriad books written on this topic and I doubt I have anything new to add to the mix. In a nutshell: what happened today was the result of human choice, human sinfulness. That shooter made a choice--a horrible, awful, tragic choice--with life-altering effects for people who were just going about their ordinary days. God let’s us make choices. I believe it is a necessary part of being free people who were created with the ability to love God or to walk away. God didn’t want robots: He wants people who fully and freely choose to love Him. Who am I to question God, but I wonder if the “robot” thing wouldn’t have been a better deal. We really mess up this freedom thing. Is our un-fettered love really worth all this…worth 33 people needlessly dying? It makes me think of a short poem by Robert Frost, entitled “A Question”:

A voice said, Look me in the stars
And tell me, truly, men of earth,
If all the soul-and-body scars
Were not too much to pay for birth.

There are a lot of questions I cannot fully answer. The only thing I know with any certainty is that God has proven His love and nearness to us, in the midst of suffering. The Cross shows us God's loving nature more than anything else, reminding us: that we are not alone, that God understands, that God cares, that we will never be abandoned.

I remember working as a chaplain at a Catholic hospital. In the “chapel” (which was the size of a cathedral), there was a huge cross mounted at the front of the sanctuary, complete with a life-sized form of Jesus hanging on it. In the middle of the night—when I was “on call”—I found myself in the darkened chapel. An 18 year old man had just died from injuries sustained in a car crash. I had stood prayerfully with the boy’s parents during the holy moment when he passed from life to death. I wept with them and prayed with them—and after it was all over, I was drained and confused. I didn’t understand why an all-powerful, all-loving God failed to step in, failed to heal, failed to be what I thought God should be in that time and place. In my grief, I went to the only place I could think to go: to the chapel, to seek God's presence. As I cried and wrestled in prayer, my eyes were drawn upward to that form, hanging on the cross. I looked at the feet and hands, pierced by shockingly huge nails. I stared at the head, bowed in agonizing sorrow, imagining my God bleeding and hurting, for the world...for me. God spoke to my soul in that sacred quietness. He didn’t answer my questions, at least not in the way I expected. Suddenly, though, I knew that God was there, RIGHT THERE in the midst of the pain and suffering. God understands. God "gets" it; He's been here; He has felt raw, agonizing, seemingly endless suffering. God is real…in a right-here-right-now kind of way…closer than our very breath, closer even, than our deepest pain. The Cross proves God's suffering, sacrificing closeness to His creatures...to you and me.

I couldn’t believe in God if it weren’t for Jesus. I guess I just need to know that God is real and interacting in my life and in the world. Some far off God does not work for me. But the kind of God who walks our streets, takes on our limitations, and enters into our sufferings…that’s the kind of God I want to know. Good news! The Scriptures say that Jesus is the fullness of God, a tangible picture of who God is and what God is like:

“He (Christ) is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. ~Colossians 1:15-20

That is my comfort in the midst of tragedy and suffering: We have a good God that is with us, even in the darkest hours—maybe even more profoundly present in the darkest times. I pray for the overwhelming sense of Jesus’ Presence to be with those at Virginia Tech. I invite you to join me in that prayer.

In closing, I searched the internet for quotes on pain and suffering. I thought I would share insight and wisdom of people much wiser than I am. May you be blessed by their thoughts.

Quotes on Pain and Suffering:
In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world. ~Jesus Christ

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. ~C.S. Lewis

We all know people who have been made much meaner and more irritable and more intolerable to live with by suffering: it is not right to say that all suffering perfects. It only perfects one type of person…the one who accepts the call of God in Christ Jesus. ~Oswald Chambers

Far too often, however, we resent and resist any interference on God's part that might deprive us of our deepest desires. Many Christians who sing, 'It is well with my soul,' are lying. It is not well with their souls because they are not persevering, and they have no intention of doing so, because they are bitter and hostile toward God and mourn over their 'victimization' at His hands. Others are little better, for they 'persevere' with a cold, stony, stoic demeanor that constantly reminds God how much they are doing for Him despite His lack of reciprocity. ~Jim Owen

The world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it. ~Helen Keller

You may never know that JESUS is all you need, until JESUS is all you have. ~Corrie Ten Boom

My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon. ~Japanese poet Masahide

Pain is never permanent. ~Teresa of Avila

God is often (in some sense) nearer to us, and more effectually present with us, in sickness than in health...He often sends diseases of the body to cure those of the soul. Comfort yourself with the sovereign Physician of both the soul and the body. ~Brother Lawrence

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Camus

I have learned two lessons in my life: first, there are no sufficient literary, psychological, or historical answers to human tragedy, only moral ones. Second, just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. ~Elie Wiesel

Deep unspeakable suffering may well be called a baptism, a regeneration, the initiation into a new state. ~George Elliot

You desire to know the art of living, my friend? It is contained in one phrase: make use of suffering. ~Henri-Frédéric Amiel

In light of heaven, the worst suffering on earth, a life full of the most atrocious tortures on earth, will be seen to be no more serious than one night in an inconvenient hotel. ~Mother Teresa

Suffering becomes beautiful when anyone bears great calamities with cheerfulness, not through insensibility but through greatness of mind. ~Aristotle

If there is a meaning in life at all, then there must be a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death, human life cannot be complete. ~Viktor Emil Frankl,

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen. ~Elisabeth Kubler Ross

Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus. ~Wallace Stegner

Suffering is part of the human condition, and it comes to us all. The key is how we react to it, either turning away from God in anger and bitterness or growing closer to Him in trust and confidence. ~Billy Graham

fabulous article about healing

2007-04-13T13:06:00.000-05:00

I just read the most fabulous article about healing. The anonymous author talks about his struggle with homosexulaity and the amazing path of grace and healing that God has led him down. It is honest and realistic and presents a totally different perspective on homosexulaity, wholeness, and healing than today's media gives...and, sadly, a different perspective than many churches give. I encourage everyone to read it. We all know people who struggle in this area. For some of you out there, maybe this is your personal struggle. For those of us in the church, we need to learn how to offer the grace of God while standing firm in truth (which is a very difficult balance). This article speaks to that tension.

I want to paste a quote from the article, from C.S. Lewis, that I thought was particularily moving and convicting (the link to the article is below the quote; check it out):

"[E]very time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or a hellish creature."

http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2007/april/36.57.html